kebab0816

Life - so complicated
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2008-12-12 15:13:47 (UTC)

December 2008

If this is it and I've finally found the one I will spend
the rest of my life with, why is it that every time I hear
Ryan's name, I see his profile on Facebook or he sends me
a message, does my stomach do 1000 flips and my eyes fill
with tears? I thought I had moved on but after not hearing
from him for several months and then suddenly having yet
another text off him I'm back right where I've been since
June 2007. I just don't know why I react they way I do. I
never think about him, I'm so happy with Andy I love him
so much. Recently Zante has been in my mind and although I
know I did wrong too, it makes me heartbroken and sick to
think that Andy had sex with someone else and was shallow
and cold enough to think it was ok to sleep with me after
knowing full well I knew nothing. I am trying so hard to
have a normal relationship but nothing has ever been
normal to me so some days it feels like such hard work.
It's hard to explain but I can't just sit back and relax
and let myself be happy because I'm constantly waiting for
a problem or a drama or an argument. And when none of
these appear I get uncomfortable and have to cause an
argument. Why am I so messed up?! It’s 5 months on Sunday
and I still miss him when I’m not with him even though I
see him every day. But unlike Ryan, he won’t plan. He
won’t promise a future all he sees is us living together
with a dog. He gives me whatever I want whenever I want
it. Everything he does is to make me happy and it works
because for the past 4 months, 3 weeks and 5 days I’ve
been happy. After the year of 2006 it took me almost 3
months to learn to laugh again and be happy I’ve never hit
rock bottom like I did then. Louise emailed me the other
day. I don’t know what to do, I’m trying to see it from an
outsider’s perspective. We had 4 fantastic years of
friendship and she made me laugh a lot. It took 4 years
for me to finally turn to her when I really needed a
friend so that says a lot. But the friendship I had with
her is nothing compared to what I have with Debs but does
that mean I’ve to throw it away completely? I think I
should reply. But for now I won’t tell anyone.


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