Silent Eyes

Lost in this place
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2008-12-11 07:54:55 (UTC)

Nieve by Nature Hopes for a Fresh Start

I was told tonight that one of my best qualities is being
unrealistically optomistic. Always positive and looking
at the bright side. But I can't help but wonder why this
perspective has been so intensely challenged this year. I
am not depressed by nature and the friend who told me that
was right. I love people, helping, and doing whatever I
can to put a smile on someones face. But here I sit upset
because as hard as I try to understand and live by what I
truly believe "everything happens for a reason" I just am
having a hard time.

I feel so alone and useless yet I know I'm not. This year
has been awful... each trial has pushed me further away
from everything. Almost losing my chance at school over a
stupid girl, having lost financially because I feel for
others when people really do not care about you...breaking
my ankle, losing the love of my life for almost 8 years,
and most recently a ticket. Coincedences? I don't
believe them to be so more like trials...

I'm hurting and nobody is around to help or hold me up.
It's actually always like this...I am the backbone for my
friends and the support because of my spunky attitude and
bright outlook but its hard to maintain in my state of mind

Everyday feels like autopilot. I am moving to a foreign
country in 3 weeks with nobody I know and it seems
unreal. I'm confused

I'm feeling like crap because of a guys. I wasn't looking
for any new friends or potentials but in came someone
else...a rebound? I don't think so I bad it
didn't work out but what was worse was why? I'll never
know Perhaps it needed to happen to pull me out of the
hole I fell in over the x, but it drove me even further.
We had fun wathing movies and chatting for hours and in a
few month gone without a word. It shattered my spirit.
Why would someone do that? Was it never about interest?
Did I do something wrong? I just want something...I'm so
angry at him. I want peace with the issue. Mind you I am
not even sure if I ever really mourned enough over the
first real one perhaps all my feelings were redirected but
it is pain in all directions.

Stupid is how I feel I want something more but I dont know
where to look. How do I get off auto pilot and back to
reality? I'm not who I am. I look blankly into the
mirror lost at the reflection staring back at me.
Confused, why is all of this happening? I just wish
someone could be there like I always have been...but hence
another trial that I will over come because deep down no
matter how lost I am I know where I am although its hard
to find sometimes.

Auto-pilot: A state of mind that has little to no
progression, regression, saddness, confusion, apathy. I
am no longer the person I am rather transform into
somewhat of an opposite which others still find fun to be
around, enjoyable, and attracts the wrong crowd.

Men: There is no perfect man. I have met many amazing
ones, a few ok ones, and 3 jerks in my lifetime so far. I
suppose I am one of the lucky ones but meeting the most
recent jerk had some intimidating factor. The first jerk
I met in highschool. He was a dear friend that time after
time tried to destroy everything I loved and yet I nievely
forgave him believeing and knowing he is a kind person
somewhere in that cold heart. Number two jerk I really
met after graduation. We worked together. We had a fun
cocky, friendship that he attempted to turn into a
relationship by treating my as a girlfriend and being
emotionally abusive. Nice but no cigar The third was
amazing. He swept me off my feet although I swore we
would only be friends. We both knew something more was
there. AMAZING KISSER but his line of work and my
schedule somehow became an obstacle which led to him being
a bastard and ignoring me? Who does that? I just wanted
to know why I didn't care if he was fucking someone or
just busy it was almost a feeling of self worth that he
took with him because I felt things were going well and
then BAM. I still want to know. I probably will always
want to know and it angers me. I'm no stalker but what
kind of jerks are out there that they can't face you??? He
really made me feel like crap number 1 did the same for
about 5 yrs or so before I came to grips with it. Not
that I hold grudges I couldn't understand why. I still
dont but now its more of your a moron and I dont care.
Anyways my immense down spiral is making me blah and
blocking anything from really falling out onto the
screen. I just want something....I just need
something...and I don't know what or where to find it...

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