Dreaming Blind
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2008-12-07 22:27:51 (UTC)

More thoughts

The more time passes the more I understand what you and I
were. The more I understand myself the harder it is to
understand what you were to me. My heart is fickle. I have a
dream like I had last night and suddenly it as if I always
knew, that you were the one and are the only one. That when
I made a promise I ment it. For good. But I give it time and
you wane in my memory. If I truly tell myself something long
enough, I come to believe it. But you keep coming back, and
your intensity doesn't wane. Was it because you were only
ever the one that could make my body work for you? I would
love to find the answer to that.

I don't love Tom. I KNEW that my heart would fail me at the
beginning when I was so sure that he and I had something and
because of that I deliberately refrained. Now today I am
confirmed in it. I do not. But is it because I never did, or
because I told myself I did not for 3 years? Could I have?
I'm not so sure.

You move me hard. Harder then all the rest. Is that because
I love you still? Its taken me this long to figure out WHY I
left, why we left. And talking to you made it easier. But I
can't get to you now, you are all prickles and no safe spot.
You hide behind the adorable gamer language full of witty
comebacks and funny retorts and I don't know what you are
thinking. Was your music for her? Did you reuse what we had
for someone else? Or is it all still me.

You moved on the minute I left you. In a way, I think
despite me leaving you, you cared less. She gave you oral
sex and you liked was so soon after. We lost each
other at Easter. You were seen shortly after with her.

Its been a long time....I guess probably about 6 years. But
I still check in on you. I see how you surround yourself by
people of your past and present. You want everyone in your
life. I don't want a reconciliation (contrary to what my
dreams told me last night), I am firmly on another path. By
the time our paths might meet again it will be too late. You
will be married, successful. And I will be successful. Will
you mate for life? One good thing about this era is that
this is happening less and less frequently. One way that I
can know where my heart is, is just to wait. To watch and
wait. If I am still there by the time all youth is gone from
me and any desire for adventure has gone beyond
recall....then I will have my answer.

Maybe sometime we can try again, where we had less then a
0.0001% chance of success.