Mrs_Goodbar28

Lyrics of a Soul
2008-11-23 07:06:04 (UTC)

Exit Wounds

It's often hard for me to shift my moods. For instance, how come it's so easy to go from being happy to being angry/sad? But to try and do the reverse takes me hours?! It's like more natural and comfortable for me to feel angry/sad more than happy and that fact makes me sad all over. I realize life can't always be peachy but the good should outweigh the bad and that includes emotions.

So Wasalu & I had an emotional nite after work. It took everything in me not to snap on him today. We had our first full Saturday of work for the program and he seemed to just keep disappearing. On top of that, there's this girl he'd recruited to volunteer with our program who seemed to have a lot of conversation for him. I tried to ignore him as much as possible & never said more than two words to him. And didn't intend on speaking to him for the rest of the day. Then I saw them walking, his arm around her shoulder. My first inclination was to follow them around the block but I went the other way to my train instead. I didn't make it to my car before askin if that was him who had the nerve to walking away with his arm around some other chick. When he confirmed, I told him that he'd fucked up with me and proceeded to slowly weeze and break down as I walked to the car. My heart ached and I could barely breathe so once I was in the car I let it all out and screamed!

He called and kept asking where I was. I wouldn't tell him so he said he would find me. I didn't want to see him. I wanted to deprive him and make him suffer but my gear got stuck in park. So I sat there fighting with it when he walked up, opened my door (which I forgot to lock) and threw himself on his knees and hugged me. I didn't want to touch him, I told him not to touch me and I couldn't stop crying or being angry.

I thought all this meant he didn't want me anymore and that it was over. I yelled at him about everything he'd done wrong to me for the past two days and said it's just too soon for this bullshit. I asked him how he thought it looked to me watching him chat up that girl all day. I told him I was goin to the Cheerful One's house for a while. He begged me to sit in his car and talk to him.

He apologized over and over and I told him how I'm sick of his apologies. That something needs to change because I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. I can miserable all alone but if I'm with someone, it should be a source of happiness. In his car he broke down and old me that he needed me in his life - how I was the closest person to him who didn't just use him. The truth is I need him too because he inspires me to be proactive about my life and responsibilies. But I let him talk b/c I needed to hear that - that he does in fact need me!

It makes a world of a difference knowing that someone isn't going to throw you or your relationship away when you both know you"re needed. I wanted to wipe his tears but I didn't. He kept saying I shouldn't give up on us and afterwhile I finally told him that I wasn't giving up, that I just needed time to think.

He assured me that although he knew he jumped into this relationship pretty quickly, he doesn't want to lose it. Before long we kissed and stared into each other's eyes. I felt still a tinge of sadness when he smiled at me for what seemed like the first time in a while. I guess like I said earlier, this cynical world makes it hard for sadness to fade away as rapidly as happiness seems to. He asked me to stay with him til he went in to his overnight job. I agreed so I followed him to get some food and then to his house. He decided to call in sick & avoid exhaustion. So now we're lying in bed. He's sleepimg soundly but I can't seem to fall back to sleep.

I think we will be okay as long as we stay committed to each other. He asked me what I needed and I said consistency in letting me know we're on good terms. Meaning good morning kisses before we get to work and have to be professional (and unnatural) around eachother all day. Meaning leaving the bullshit that makes us angry by the wayside and not taking it out on each other. Meaning the good outweighing the bad in this relationship and less fighting.

I know we can make this work b/c we're so good for eachother. I'm happy we put it back together b/c I wouldn't know what to do with myself if he didn't want to work it out. I am still trying to smile about the fact that we're still doing this. . . I think it'll come easier in the morning.

Until next time: Laugh. Love. Live.




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