Middle Child

Thurs. Nov. 20

I haven't been in school for 3 weeks now. My university has
been on strike because the TA's want a 41% wage increase.
ugh... this money hungry world we live in, i will never
understand...

So, what have I done for 3 weeks? nothing. I sleep all
day. I get distracted by going out. My fault. I need to
start doing some readings because I feel like the strike
will be over soon and I haven't done anything. I should
start ASAP!

Hopefully this is the last time I will ever speak of my last
ex again. I feel the need to write it in here just in case
I need to refer back.

Saturday evening (nov. 15) at around 1:30am I recieved a
text msg. So I flipped open my cell to see it was a msg
from him. I threw my cell back on my bed and I started to
calm down. I could not believe he texted me again. I read
the msg and it said something along the lines of '------ we
are adults, can we please talk i really miss you, text me
back pls' and 'doesn't it even bother you that we haven't
spoken. we've been friends for so long, pls text me'.

**** I should probably add that I do not like to stay close
friends with my ex. Something about being intimate with them
and then staying friends doesn't make sense to me. that's
why I cut all communications with him...

my reply (mind you i was sleeping): "omg look at the time,
stop drunk texting me. i'm upset about what happened when we
last spoke please move on and leave me alone" ( i wish i
didnt mention about being upset)

His 5 page msg, I can't remember all that well but he
basically told me to grow up and to stop acting like he
'beat me' (what the fuck? LOL!!), and that we wanted to stop
this texting business (he's always the one who started it),
that we can't throw our past away and that i asked to be
friends after the break up.

My response: (i remember what i said clearly) "you're not
mature. the mature thing to do was move on. we haven't been
talking for awhile. buy a fuckin clue. friends? at one point
you didn't know what you wanted. this shit happens all the
time fuckin time. please do not call/text me again. it will
be deleted. i'm sick of this high school shit"

His response: "alright... fuck you.. you need to fuckin
grow up.. ur not even fuckin worth it anyways. bye"

Ouch.

I was really hurt. I was hurt that he went that low to start
swearing TO me.

I was hurt that he said I wasn't worth it. I don't think
I've ever said anything so mean to him, expect how i told
him to stop drunk texting me. (he did this twice since we
broke up and when we dated he didnt even bother texting me
at night, he was too tired.)

I hope this is it. I know I might see him at school and I
hope he doesn't approach me, because he will be non-existent
to me. He hurt me, when all he had to do was leave me alone.

I'm thinking, what hurts the most; being told by someone who
you have strong feelings for that they just want to stay
friends or being told by your ex that your not worth anything?

I don't know. Whatever. I've been feeling numb/black
hearted since him and now I'm happy I'm not in a
relationship. Sometimes when my friends tell me cute stories
about their rel. i just smile and say "i'm glad thats not
me". I don't want to be in a rel. for awhile. But i'll
admit, I do get lonely sometimes, but whatever... I'm
dealing with it.

I guess dating your bestfriend doesn't always work out. But
it's a risk I took and I'm kind of glad I did...

I think I'm going to take an advil, i have a headache. Damn
computer screen... nite everyone :)

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