Aeryn Sun

Uncharted Territories
2008-11-20 00:08:37 (UTC)

Its been awhile...

For some time now, I've been meaning to write but I just
haven't gotten around to in until now. So much has happened
since the last time I made an entry.

New guy and I are official, as of last Saturday. (I need to
give him a new name, how about MG). It still feels weird
though. Today someone asked me if I was dating anyone, and I
was hesitant, but eventually said 'yes'. He's so
affectionate, even in public, and I'm not used to it. We
were walking together holding hands last week and he made a
comment about our shadows being "so cute". Man, that freaked
me out, I froze, could move another step. I felt like a
guy, b/c you know how guys are the ones who normally freaky
out when it comes to that sort of romantic/mushy stuff. I
told him it will take awhile for me to get used to the
relationship and become comfortable showing my affection for
him in public. And surprisingly enough its not taking as
long as I thought it would, ie: I allowed him to kiss me in
lab (while one of our friends was there) before he went home
last night. But I'm still not completely cool w/ the pda
thing. I like the dynamics between us, he's sweet and I'm
mean. But I'm only mean to him in a joking way. He's gotten
into the habit of being really mushy (ie: ends a msg w/
the heart symbol) just to annoy me, and since he doesn't
like me referring to people as 'man' I do it anyway just to
annoy him. Its a total role reversal for me. I'm usually the
romantic/head over heels one. Monday night he came over and
we did homework together - he programmed while I did physics
- it was sweet. See I can be mushy, but I rarely let him see
this.

I feel like I'm corrupting him. Before me, he's kissed like
one other girl. That's one reason why I was hesitant about
getting involved
w/ him... makes me think about the club scene in 'PS I love
You' when Lisa Kudrow's character made sure a guy was a good
kisser before getting involved w/ them). I swear, my ex was
the best kisser I've ever had, and his kisses are my
benchmark, so guys that come my way have high standards to
meet, hehe. Anyway, each time MG and I are together, we
progress a little further. He's like a kid in a candy shop,
so excited about it all. For me its
like whatever, nothing new. But I'm taking this relationship
slow, so nothing beyond 2nd base for a very, very long time.

Last week I was kinda stressed about MG and I though,
because roomie and her bf said that I should choose between
MG and my dance partner b/c it wasn't fair to MG for me to
dance so intimately w/ another guy. I can understand that,
but its just dancing and I think MG just needs to trust me,
esp. since he doesn't dance. And the partner thing came
about before MG and I got together, so I don't think he
should expect me to give up something I really enjoy b/c of
unfounded insecurities on his part. However I spoke to him
and he totally agreed w/ me, didn't think I should give up
the partner b/c its something that I enjoy, as long as I
don't cheat on him we'll be fine. Which brings me to my next
topic, the dance partner.

Dance partner and I finally met, went to salsa several times
and he's even gotten me into swing. Swing is fun, was never
a dance that I was interested in, but I'm glad I tried. I
really like dancing w/ him. He gives me feedback and I don't
feel intimidated dancing w/ him, even though he's been
dancing for years now. He graduated in CPE from CP last
year; I'm surprised I never saw him around campus. Its cool
that we have our majors in common, along w/ Burningman,
makes for good conversations. He's a cool guy, someone I
could definitely be friends with (and possibly be attracted
to, oh no). He's moving to a house about 10 min walking
distance from me. Very cool b/c now we can practice during
the week w/o one of us traveling a long way to get to the other.

Also last week, the ex contacted me twice. First through
text, to which I did not respond. Second through gtalk. I
forgot to go invisible/logout about a conversation w/ an old
roommate, and since I no longer have him on my contact list
I didn't see that he was online. I responded that I was
between classes so I couldn't talk, and ended the msg w/
'take care'. How would you interpret that, when someone ends
a convo w/ 'take care'? I dunno, I'm still not over him,
still very upset, still missing him. I feel like Izzy from
Grey's Anatomy. Even though she's w/ Alex right now, she's
still in love w/ Denny, and even seeing, touching, and
kissing his ghost. (God I hope they get this girl some help
b/c her and Alex are a cute couple; Denny ruined it for them
the 1st time when he was alive and now he's ruining it again
even though he's dead; but this makes for good TV drama and
she's sort of an expendable character so I guess there's
little chance of her getting any real help/closure on the
Denny thing). Anyway I feel like her b/c while with MG last
weekend I kept thinking about the ex. I don't know when I'll
get over him, be able to forgive him. I've realized that me
burying things isn't helping. Well it does help give me
closure, but it takes such a long time. And that's something
I don't have right now. I don't want to lose him as a
friend, but I need to take care of me, completely get over
him before I can interact w/ him again b/c if not then I'll
just fall for him all over again. I don't do the direct
approach, but maybe that's what I need right now, to talk to
him. Our convo would go something like this:

D: hey there, you've been busy.
me: yea, ... I'm still upset about our breakup. Its become
an issue again b/c I see that you're involved in a long
distance relationship w/ someone living in SF ...blah blah
blah... I can't be friends w/ you right now, not until I'm
over you (aka stop contacting me). I'll miss you, take care,
good bye, D. *tears, sniffle*

I'll get over him, eventually. Anywayz, this entry got kind
long so I'm cutting it here. I'll try to write more often as
to not be so long winded.

Until next time,
Me




Ad: