Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2008-11-18 18:00:53 (UTC)

Small Update

It's 1118, Tuesday. 1223pm. Snow. It's maybe a degree above
or below freezing.

I went to get some of my medication on Saturday, after the
doctor gave me a prescription. The drug I'm taking is a
corticosteroid. I like the way the word sounds.
Corticosteroid. Basically, it's to regulate the inflammation
in my lungs. I feel better, actually. The past two nights,
I've been able to sleep fine. I'm not waking up feeling all,
like I can't breathe.

It feels nice.

...

I've been chit chatting with Miss December, for a bit. It's
nice to talk to her again. I've missed her.

...

Speaking of missing, I still miss Brittany. Every now and
again during my day, I'll be reminded something about her
that she did or that we did together, and it will make me
smile. I'll just reminisce, for a few moments, and for those
few moments I'll forget that we aren't talking to each other.

However, I don't feel the need to talk to her or try to work
things out anymore. I think I'm done with approaching, and
if she wants to talk, she can approach me. I don't really
know what I'd do if she did approach me again. Probably be
happy, but I'm not so certain I should be.

I just get irritated once again when I think about the
supposed reason she doesn't want to talk. Because, I had
made that comment about her grandmother. I know Brittany
well enough to realize that Brittany could not care less
about what I said about her grandmother. She can pretend
that it's terribly offensive, but the truth of the matter I
know she doesn't care about it one way or the other. She
said as much the last time we talked. The reason she doesn't
want to talk anymore, well, is just because she wants me to
come back to her like some young boy who can be controlled
or who's strings can be easily pulled. I'm not a doll. So,
whatever.

Just, the whole thing about her trying to control me makes
me really angry. I think that's what it is more than
anything. Like, I am so stupid that I can be so easily
controlled by someone like her?

At the same time, I feel disappointed. The relationship had
so much potential. If only she weren't such a bitch.

But maybe that's just it. I think it had potential, but she
didn't want what I wanted, did she? No, I think she wanted a
puppet and something a little more amusing. I am neither.
I'm boring and I don't like to be controlled.

Oh, I don't mind admitting I'm boring. I know how I am, and
my interests. I know that I fluctuate enough that not I'd
like to try and do a variety of different things.
Experience, different things. I just know I'm not going to
live long enough to see or do everything I'd like to do.

...

I shoveled snow today. It wasn't fun.

...

Last night, I slept for about eight hours. Whereas,
previously, I might get four hours or so if I was lucky. The
corticosteroid seems to be working well. I really like that
word.

I read the list of common side effects of the drug, online.
All I could think while reading the list was, how cool. I
suppose, ... my priorities are a bit misaligned. Anyway.

I'll write later.




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