Life - so complicated
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2008-10-20 21:43:16 (UTC)

Always in love?

Now I'm in October 2008, I'm almost 21 and when I look
back at every entry in this diary I see every moment of my
life, good and bad, flashing before me in an instant. It's
true that life does go by very quickly and no matter how
many mistakes I continue to make, I only learn from them
months after I suffer the consequences. After Zante and
the end of another chapter in my life, one more began and
it's gone wrong already. I failed my re-assessments for
uni and now they're saying I can't continue to Year 3
which means one more year delaying my life plan. If I
don't win the argument I've started with them I'll only
graduate from uni when I'm 22, which means instead of
having 3 years to save up for the perfect house/perfect
marriage I'll only have 2, if I even ever get the chance.
If there's anything to go right in my life, please let it
be the dream I've always wanted to come true. I want to be
happy, but not just for a few days or for a few months,
for a lifetime. I want to share that happiness with
someone I love. I don't care what people think, that's
what I want, I want to be dependent on someone I know will
be there for me no matter what. I want to be secure and
have something stable which I know will never go wrong.
I'm tired of trying so hard to turn my life around, and
just when I think I have, something else happens to push
me right back down. It's happened so many times now that
all I can do is laugh. I don't pity myself anymore, I get
upset but I never see it as the end of the world like I
used to. And Andy has been incredible. He gives me
everything I've ever wanted, he does everything I've ever
wanted a guy to do for me, he kisses me in the most
amazing way and he looks into my eyes in a way no guy ever
has done. He isn't filling my life with endless promises
of a future, he's sensible and taking us one step at a
time - he's exactly what I need and what I've always
wanted. Debs was right, Ryan was dreamy but I don't live
in a dream, I live in the real world and Andy is
everything I've ever wanted in the real world. The
insecurities I had in the beginning, and have had in the
past with others, has completely disappeared. I'm not
worried when I'm not with him. I mean as much to him as he
does to me, I never need to question that.

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