nin137

Nick's Journal
2008-09-21 06:13:19 (UTC)

Where the fuck do I go from here and why do I even care?

i'm at the weirdest point in my life. i've never been at
such a point ever before. i am at the point at which i am
about to start real life. no longer can i cloak myself in
the veil of the student, pulling the cover of academia over
myself to shield myself from the every day rigor of 'real
life.'

what is real life? well it's getting a job i presume...one
which i will have to keep (not that i've ever had trouble
with that). it will be paying off my debt. it will be
acting responsibly? is that part of it? it will be having
kids...my god. i mean, i don't know. when am i to be taken
seriously, when am i an adult? i have facebook pictures of
myself that are ridiculous...how could i ever counsel
someone on land use regulation? negotiate contracts?
hob-nob at a 3,000/plate wine and cheese diner gala?

i don't know. i really don't. what's worse, i am at an
emotional state i don't understand and am frustrated with.
on the one hand i realize that the next step is real life.
a job, kids, life as we know it, i suppose. the next step
is paying my bills...NEEDING to pay those bills. so
naturally i fret, i don't yet have a job once i graduate.
it's funny, people (read: minorities) always bitch about how
things are handed to white people...handed? to me? when
and where? ha, i'm sorry all i can do is laugh and laugh at
that. i have worked so hard to get where i am right now and
i STILL don't get ONE thing guaranteed.

so i strive, i work hard, and yes, you know what...i am a
bit angry that things aren't at least SOMEWHAT guaranteed.
i mean for god's sake i'm in the top of my law school class
and i still have to sit down and bullshit in interviews?
sure, that's fine.

but then there's the other hand. why do i care? should i
care? what bugs me is that real life is me getting a job,
paying bills and doing what happens on wisteria lane. god,
don't i just at some point want to jump out of this slow
ride through life? wouldn't it just be great to raise goats
or travel for a few years? i don't even fucking know what
is crazy enough to satisfy myself.
and when i look at this other hand i just think to myself:
maybe it's a fucking blessing i don't have a job when i
graduate...maybe it will get me to just live.

not live life.
but just live.

26...and i am already hitting mid-life crisis...is this
possible? but it's not, you have to be unhappy to be in a
crisis. but i am so happy. i have been married for two
years and i can safely tell you it is the best decision i
have ever made. i am so incredibly, thoroughly happy being
married to juli that i can't even describe it. my life has
gotten so much better since i have. i am about to finish
the study of a profession that i can see myself loving for
the rest of my life.
and shit, i might even get a dog soon.
i am just downright happy.

and yet, i just think...wouldn't it be better if i just
comem out unemployed? i have my education and i can do what
i like. maybe its only when i allow myself to become
tethered to the narrow constraints life dictates for me that
i lose my happiness. maybe if i just allow myself to fly
just a little bit above my obligations i can come out fulfilled.

well whatever it may be, i can safely say that i have no
idea what i am doing or what is the best decision. i guess
what i DO know is that i just can't worry too much, i've
gotten this far with how i make my decisions and i love
where i am...continue on!