The meanderings of a mind
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2008-09-11 17:02:43 (UTC)


These moments

I greeted the day in a nightmare,

tears rolling fast to dampen my hair.

Smiling at memories that rush over me like waves,

mourning the loss of the good ol' days

Wondering still if it was all just a dream

Your coming, your going, all the in between

Living for today and all that remains

Piecing together a heart and sorting through the pain

I gave you the best there was and you left it all behind

were you looking or was she something you didn't expect to

Was I not enough or not exactly what you thought you'd need

Does she make you whole again does she bandage you when
you bleed

Is your heart still searching do you still need something

Can you ever find your way back to the place you were

Will I ever know what it's like to feel whole and to trust
my own heart

Building a life together and watching it fall apart

I miss writing. I miss reading what I've written and
somehow separated and thinking to myself, damn, that's a
cool person. I'd be her friend. I miss knowing what to
call something. I miss knowing what something is. I was
never a label person, but at least I used to know what
something's label was. Aaron was my world. I had to
recreate. Reinvent. I guess the world doesn't allow for
someone else to be your world. Mine was taken
so it drove away, and then I found myself. I don't always
like what I found, but it's real and it's there and it's
probably gonna keep changing and keep staying the same. I
miss having someone get my rambling. Someone who gets my
joke, my wit, my facial expressions. I miss words.
I miss the way a hand fits so perfectly in your own. I
miss the feel of skin on skin. Foot rubs. Back rubs.
The in between.

Oh yeah, I miss being able to split a spicy chicken and
bacon classic at wendy's. The silly things I miss.

I miss all the things I hated too. How pathetic is that?
The wet washclothes in the bathtub. Washing clothes other
than mine. Cooking without the microwave.

I miss the music. Living life to music.

Somehow I got off track. I had these plans. I had a
direction. Then one day you come home from work and your
map is all torn up on the livingroom floor and I'm
zigzagging around life. Forward and backward. Side to
side. I don't know what tomorrow will bring or where it
will take me and I don't want to know. I don't want to
make plans because plans crumble.

I miss the parts of me that are gone.

That's when I knew. That I could never have you. I knew
that before you did.
I hope you take a piece of me with you.

Current mood: contemplative

I used to write all the time. Even if I wasn't typing my
thoughts, or scribbling in a diary, my head was writing.
Now, not so much. It's still back there. The desire.
The need. But so much other stuff is in my head right
now. So much. I have to just turn it off sometimes.
That's why I do stupid things. Say stupid stuff. My
brain is on shutdown. I'm not thinking.

I love reading the things that I once wrote. My online
diary. The three different diaries I have tucked under my
bed. Oh the stories and the secrets they hold. I don't
remember holding the pen that wrote some of the entries.
It seems like someone else's life. Someone else's

I need to use them again as a place to vent because
sometimes I feel I could spin out of control. I feel like
I'm all sorts of broken and jagged pieces held together by
rubberbands and glue....a quick fix to get me through

A friend from highschool shot himself. I was shocked.
What if we'd remained close? Could I have saved him?
Could my craziness make his craziness not seem so bad?
I'm such a girl. I really think I'm powerful enough to
change people? To fix them? When in reality evidence
shows that I get used and end up broken. Or I make them
better and someone else takes them away.

Where can I take my secrets?

Where can I hide my pain?

Where can I store my lonliness?

Where can I bury my shame?

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