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2008-08-22 17:25:03 (UTC)

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So here we are again. I can honestly say that I am feeling
a little bit better. My horoscope knows I'm not a 100
percent. So it recommends I spend some time with children
or teenagers. Their naivety would send me back on track to
what I want. How silly that sounds. Taking advice from a
teenager who doesn't know how the real works as much as
most other people. It is like they say a good way to focus
on what you want as oppose to on the things that get in
the way. I guess they don't see the things that get in the
way yet.

I don't know what else to say. I started calling Damien
notoriously back to back yesterday at like 1 in the
morning. At some point he actually picked up, and made a
call. at another point he picked up my call, but didn't
say anything. He turned off his phone, but tuned it back
on a moment later. what an ass. I just want my laptop back.

Well what else, I'm still in low spirits. I am actually
gonna make a list some time soon of priorities and reverse
them. Just like in my book, or screenplay.

Right now I'd like to just get done with my morning
routine so that I can head off to the library and read the
next two castellante books or whatever they are called. I
want to get sucked back into that world. Then I would like
to go to Chris's but I think my dad went back to work,
cause yesterday I woke up and he was gone. Darn I said, I
wanted to get the car, and I had put a lot of gas in it

I haven't looked at my stomach, but my diet, and excercise
is going over very well. Who knew that basic toning, and
dancing every morning could help so much. Makes you wonder
how much people can accomplish with just a little bit of

Anyway, I just want to have some fun. The other movies I
have rented are the Deer Hunter and the english patient,
the devils own adn that's it. I can't wait to get done
with these movies cause I realized I didn't rent enough
happy movies, way too many classics. NOrth by northwest
was really good, but, I really need to start watching more
recent movies as well because what was stunning and
amazing back then is doing nothing for me right now
besides the value of acknowleding that back in the day it
was a lot.

I want to go back to feeling radiantly happy. I want to
have my books done with the reading. The way one dude put
it on the flashpoint group on facebook was that you have 2
classes every day for 4 hours with and hour lunch in
between. So if that is the case, I still wonder, is it
different classes every day or is it the same class for
like 4 weeks, if that is the case, what books should I
focus on reading. I mean, if I am gonna go in there and
the books I've read aren't gonnna have to be read till
like 8 months from now, that relieves a hell of a lot of
stress that I have put on myself. in the mean time I need
to focus on getting a job.

I still have to call terry kiwala and ask him to resend me
that ap, and how can we do monthly payments. I just don't
like having this coversation. Okay I'm glad it went to
voice mail. The one thing of many that I like about
morning pages, is that it helps me get shit done. Like I
think of somehing and I don't wanna do it, but it's all in
perspective out there on the page of why I need to get it
done, so I swallow the pain and dial or apply somewhere,
or whatever the fuck.

A new sense of energy has just come over me. I want to
write more stuff down buy I don't feel like it really. I
guess I feel like if I start writing the deeper things I
will be here for a while and the hunger thing is kicking
in. I am very glad that I type this fast, sure I'll make a
mistake here and there and sometimes more often then that
but it is all good. SOmetimes I feel I should really type
faster cause that is the spirit of morning pages.

Man it is gloomy outside. Freaking 1 p.m. and it is dark
as 10 p.m I can hear the rain now. Interesting sound.

Sometimes I get like this jolt somewhere in my body. It
could be a partial seizure. I'd like to think it is
something else though. The pains in my side have gotten
worse. I think they are maybe less frequent then usual,
but they are appearing sometimes, and sometimes, they are
worse then before. I guess that fortune teller was right.

I need to relax. Calm down. How do I do that? I guess I
will go applying tonight. I really have to. Perhaps I
could get a job by tomorrow.

I get jealous of people now. People that have money. Like
the ones talking saying they bought Final Cut Studio for
1300 dollars just so they can have more features to play
with. I'm just trying to figure out if I'll have enough
money for a Metra pass. When reapplying for this loan, I
am gonna reinput some figures. like 8750 plus 3000 for the
laptop plus 1250 for software and stuff, plus 5,ooo for
credit card payment so it still adds up to 18K