Amnesia

dude
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2008-08-21 19:24:18 (UTC)

MP 1307, 2008.08.21

The time is running out. And so are my funds. Yesterday I
went to coyote again to fill out an ap. I didn't need that
red bull but I spent 4 bucks on it. Then when coming back,
I didn't need to buy everyone a beer, just me. Why do I
keep doing that?

Well yeah. So here I am. I want to make a list of stuff
that I want to be able to afford better for. YOu know
like. the coffee i drink in the morning, it tastes like
crap, and I don't want to drink it anymore, but when I
wake up I want coffee, and the shitty kind is all I got,
is it really worth spending money on other stuff?
Maybe I should buy that Monster 24 pack because that is a
way to save money.

So here is the list:

CURRENT___________________________IMPROVEMENT

coffee..................experiment with dd brand or others
clothes............major need of shopping spree
....................but not until I lose some more weight

Let's make a better list.

Coffee was previously explained. Just to add to it, I
would like to try maybe buying whole roast, try something
darker, richer, maybe invest in coffee creamer that tastes
good. Trying different brands would be nice. It would be
grand. A fun thing to do.

CLOTHES....
The current situation is that I have 2 pairs of long
pants, (jeans) that I am also highly getting over, seeing
as one came with a belt to keep them up, and now that is
gone, and the other ones are tight as hell, don't have
pockets, and give me camel toe when I pull them up. And
they are starting to crack in the bottom.

(By the way I thought it was kinda funny in a negative way
that Kim got up on the fucking bar yesterday and she had a
freaking bust on the ass crack of her pants. how
embarrassed I would be. I would try to atleast get some
shorts under neath. I mean, like they do have a
merchandise store right there, maybe they don't have those
kind of shorts. Anyway...)

so back to clothes...
Besides the messed up jeans I've got a pair of long
comfortable pijama pants with a small whole on them, a
pair of adidas black and white jogging pants that make me
look fat and I don't like them too much, and another pair
of pijama pants that is fine, but no pockets. Now the
shorts... I have a pair of well covered with pockets men's
shorts that don't really lay on my hips at all, and I have
to resew the button, then there's about 3 pairs of short
shorts one of which I can't wear in public. I don't like
my underwear. The Kmart brand where you buy 6 for like 4
bucks. I'm not saying I want anything fancy, or something
with letters on it, but not like with designs on it that I
really don't want to be seen in. Just plain o colors
please.Shirts are ruckamuck. I don't really need much
great clothes since I'll be working on a set or in school
all day, but when I go Out, I'd like to wear something
that isn't in twenty pics from 20 different events from
the last 8 years. Some people may even not notice, but I
do. I would like to have bras, Like 7 of them different
colors and all full coverage so I don't pop out, and that
all fit. 2 sports bras, 3 hundred way white, beige, and
black. and a regular full coverage that's black, and one
that's white, and has adjustable straps, so that the other
ones can have a rest. new skirts. Not ones that my mom has
bought for me. A dress or two that I can wear out in
public. A couple more tank tops that DON"T show cleavage.
shirts that are comfortable and don't show cleavage.


FEMININE CARE...
I need to seriously invest in pads that are long, with
wings, so that I don't have to keep washing underwear that
I don't even like and are busting because of insufficient
pads. Also deodorant...dove ain't cutting it recently
gotta invest money in something more... good.

SURROUNDING...
I would just like to have for once, the area I live in be
tailored to me, not me tailor to the area, you know what I
mean, like buy my own furniture, or fix it up to my
convenience. That's just not really gonna happen, cause
hopefully I'll only be here for 2 and a half years at the
most and then I'm off to live with Chris.

WHAAT ELSE WHAT ELSE?

WHOLE FOODS...
Just being able to buy the bread without the high fructose
corn syrup, the veggies, steam them as oppose to boil the
fuck straight out of them. Enough money to eat shrimp like
I used to back in my old place. those were the days. Movie
at my own place, and a bag of really good shrimp with
cocktail sauce. I will watch some movies today maybe they
will put me in a better mood.

Too much research going on. Why do I do this to myself?

That really isn't much to ask for. I mean really. To have
food you actually want to eat and is good for you, to have
clothes you want to wear that fit you and aren't 8 years
old, or something your mom bought you. To not have to
scrub your ugly as underwear because you can't afford
better pads. I think that's sad.

Teresa says it will end soon. Shit. When? I've been
through this hell whole for the most of my life. When does
the white light come in to take me to safety.

I'm thankful fo my knight in shining armor, who at least
has rescued my heart from the awfulness that is the
absence of love. I love him so much. he is the best thing
in my life right now. I wish I would be able to have fun.
Not think about what needs to get done, or that if I don't
do something I'm gonna have to double it up the next day.
Have that thought leave me all together so I can fulfill
my I don't know, I'm just sad.So much more to write, but
I'm getting hungry and an onion sandwich urgh.


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