Middle Child

Listen. Don't Speak.
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2008-08-10 05:42:43 (UTC)


I came home around midnight and I went straight to my room.
As I was getting myself comfortable I started to feel
lonely. A feeling of something missing, like I didn't want
to be left alone. I want company.

Sometimes I really wish I had a sister. I need a female in
my life I can trust and i don't.

I was out with my friend and her sister and they are so
funny together. How cool would it be to have a sister who is
like you, who thinks like you and laughs at the same thing
you do. AND are able to take them home and share a bed and
talk all night and share clothing.

I feel so disconnected sometimes and I don't know why.

This afternoon as I was getting ready to go out, I started
to think... if I had my family in canada, I would have grown
up a stronger, more outspoken woman.

Then when I think about my boyfriend, I hurt so much more.
It kills me to see him once a week. Especially since it's
the summer!! And then to not hear his voice. I hate it.

I want attention. I want to feel loved.

My house is so quiet now that my cats are gone. I had 4, now
I have one. The 3 went missing. It's so lonely.

I think I'm ready to say my confession... I still look at
guys and I find myself looking around for potential
boyfriends. I love my boyfriend, but I know he isn't the one
for me. I still see the little boy in him.

I feel so guilty because it's so wrong, but at the same time
I'm young. I think in a way I'm looking for someone I could
settle down with. I tell my boyfriend that I don't plan to,
but inside, I kind of do.

I'm thinkng of telling my boyfriend that I don't think I
could do us during the school year. If he's on my mind all
the time, I can't let it interfere with school. He;s working
all the time and I hardly speak to him, imagine during the
year?! I couldn't take it. Or, I could just toughen up and
take it like everyone else in a relationship. I mean, we're
going to the same school next year, hopefully I'll see him a
fwe times a week. I would love that more then anything.

I hope I'm not a horrible girlfriend. I'm sure he looks at
girls in his area a lot. He;s a good looking guy and i'm
sure he wants a girl who lives closer to him.

Anyways, im gonna go to bed. night :)

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