Mimi

All that is
Ad 2:
2008-08-06 12:02:42 (UTC)

rant

When you did something you were good at, people expected
something of you. They counted on you and you never let
them down. That was the best feeling in the world. The
problem is when that stops you don’t know who you are
anymore. You forget who you were. You had become so
wrapped up in this image, or becoming this person that you
loose sight of the person you’ve become. Who are you? And
it is scary to not have an answer to that question, to
loose your way like that.
So remember this night for it is the beginning of always.
A promise, like a reward for persisting through life so
long alone. The belief in each other and the possibility
of love. A decision to ignore or simply rise above the
pain of the past. The covenant which at once binds two
souls and yet severs prior ties. A celebration of a chance
taken, and the challenge that lies ahead. For two will
always be stronger than one, and love will always be the
guiding force in our lives. For tonight is mere formality,
only an announcement to the world of feelings long held.
Of promises made long ago.

Ok, I really want to do this – this writing thing. But I’m
hesitant, for reasons I’m uncertain of. Shit, its like I’m
about to write down shit and then I – gosh, like now for
goodness sake!! I cant even do this.. It’s the thought of
the possibility of someone reading this. God there, I’ve
said it. And feel better for it too. Yep the horrid
thought that some1 might read this and whatever, is
stopping me. Plus I don’t know exactly how to put myself
in it. I’m embarrassed to write about myself. Why? I know
what I want to say but is like I don’t want to say it. But
I don’t get it because what bloody difference does it
make? Its me, my thoughts, (get these causes for
hesitation out of your head!! – 1 – your not on the
central line and DS or anyone for that matter, is not
peering down and reading the strange wonderings of your
strange mind, 2- and even if you were on the central line
you wouldn’t have your laptop on typing and 3 – DS would
never EVER be on the same tube as yourself. Ever. It would
never happen. Not in this lifetime anyway coz your chance
has come and gone. So realize that and get up and over it.
It’s just not on the cards for you. Nope. My luck is not
that generous. Besides, he’s much too tall for public
transport.)
These thoughts are in my head anyway so putting them on
paper should not be a problem right? But I’ve come to
realise that that’s not the main problem. Just like the
possibility of somebody reading these words is not the
main problem, whether or not that possibility is real or
imaginary… The problem is myself. Yeah whatever, big deal
you say. When these thoughts or emotions, I should say,
both good and bad are floating about in your mind, you can
block them out. You don’t have to face them because
they’re vague and foggy, and so might as well be surreal.
They don’t have a life in their own right. But when these
emotions are translated into words, words that others can
understand, that you can understand then they become real,
a matter of fact, even though they’re subjective. And it
means facing your emotions. Literally. And for someone who
prided themselves on their self awareness – being
emotionally aware, confident and ‘sussed’, it means
swallowing a certain pride. It means admitting weakness or
even failure, on the grand scheme of things. So when I
think of RMS and how I endured my time there, how I told
my self that I was simply ‘waiting it out’ because much
better things were in store. Like rewards for persisting
through it for so long alone. That I’d look back at these
moments and these people and revel because my position by
then would be far more envious. Those were the thoughts I
used to keep myself going. But its heart breaking to think
that I’m in the same place I was this time last yr. Was I
in partial denial at rms? I said it was the people there –
that they were the ones who were incompatible with me and
the place just wasn’t my element. But sadly, I’m beginning
to realise that it wasn’t them. And I’m also realizing
that you can’t keep placing your happiness in other
people’s hands. On external factors. You can’t keep
blaming them for your unhappiness, no matter how much you
think that they are to blame. Because it takes away from
your will to move on and better yourself. You just become
lazy otherwise. You begin to use them as an excuse for
your shortcomings, your self disappointments or lack of
ambition and lack of success. You secretly tell yourself
that you’ll change when they change, allowing yourself
more room, and a greater tolerance for failure. Because of
course, if it weren’t for their behaviour you wouldn’t be
in the shit that you’re in. And unfortunately the truth
sometimes is that people don’t change. Not those who are
self righteous anyway – when you believe everything that
you say and do to be impeccable beyond question then what
changes are there to be made? Really? But should that then
mean that I should remain as I am?
It wasn’t the rms lot that was the problem. I was. Its
easy to attribute your failures to the behaviour of
others. But too often, we forget to stop and ask ourselves
this: Who the hell am I? Who have I become? Who am I
becoming? Am I afraid of the answers that I might find?
Or afraid to face the ones that already exist?

But you can make things happen, things that you believed
to be beyond your control at one point. And the other day
I did. At least I tried…
Ride back from London – crowded bus. Seats are quickly
filling up and I now know that comfort is not an option
anymore. 3 more men board the bus and the last of the
three is gorgeous. I’ll have to share anyway so I shuffle
over onto the next seat with perfect timing might I add,
so that just as he approaches my row and he sees a free
seat. He slides in and genuinely thanks me at the same
time. I feel appreciated. A small rush. I organise my
baggage, a little too pointedly perhaps and for a little
too long... I then went into the toilet (horrid ast they
were) to 'freshen up' no, nothing dodgy...blah!


Ad:2