I'm Sick of Ironic Conversations
i've had to deal with way too many ironic conversations as
of late. it seems as if every dumbshit i work with makes it
a point to steer every topic of conversation i have into an
ironic perspective. it's gotten to the point where i'm
quite confident that everyone is so insecure that they will
NEVER EVER utter a single honest opinion. nope, everything
is shrouded in that thick veil of irony, in the hopes of
cloaking their own naked fear of judgment and deflecting any
form of actual intellectual conversation.
the topic of conversation that has precipitated the most
irony has been that of my desire to purchase a gun. a .357
magnum revolver 6" barrel, taurus to be exact. every time i
broach the subject (which admittedly isn't the best one to
broach in a corporate environment) i am lambasted by overly
sarcastic comments and moronic irony.
mostly irony takes the form of over-exuberant empathy.
"oh i loooooooove the 357s" someone who has obviously never
seen a revolver much less handled one would say to me.
well, last week, i was in the midst of such a conversation
when i decided to drive this guy's car of irony off the
bridge of extremism.
"yeahhhhhh, the 357s are real luggers." aside from not even
knowing what the fuck that's supposed to mean i came to the
conclusion that it was show time.
"yeah, i thought of getting hollow points."
"oh reallllllly? more devastating huh?" the snarky response
"no. not really. i think i'm going to get SEMI-hollow points."
"mmm." a somewhat less exuberant response came.
"you see, the hollow points explode on contact, ideally
lodging itself firmly in the victim thus doing much more
damage than a normal bullet which may just pass through."
"oh." the irony was starting to fade...the car was driving
faster and more recklessly...
"but the semi-hollow points. now they'll damn sure
penetrate. so if the guy has a somewhat heavier coat on you
don't run the risk of them exploding too soon. you know
what they call them?"
"mm?" the meek response came.
i whirled around to see the corporate counsel (and my boss)
staring at me with mouth agape.
i bit my lower lip and twiddled my pointer finger in a circle...
"at exactly what point did you enter this conversation?"
"about the point you started explaining why hollow points
are the most efficient."
"now let me get this straight," she started with what (thank
god) appeared to be a bemused smirk, "you have a black belt
in karate. you currently practice brazilian jiu jitsu which
has put you in a cast. but you are still looking to get a
gun which will shoot hollow points."
"yes, a 357 which will shoot semi-hollow points to be exact."
"remind me never to startle you."
aside from the fact that my boss is awesome, i'm seriously
thinking on toning down the gun talk...i don't want to seem
crazy...or god forbid...sincere about a topic!
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