i've never truly been a part of an "office party." you
know...those fanciful festivals that always end in a torrid
make-out session with the mailroom boy in one of the stalls?
and to wit...the party did not let me down.
of course the second i walked in with my legal buddies i was
assaulted with drunken exuberance.
"oh my god!" this girl that i vaguely knew from the halls
yelled at me as she drunkenly stumbled into me.
"you don't have a celebrity on your back!"
now first off, i had no idea how she managed to be fucked up
in the first 30 mins of the party (secret: she's a light
weight) and secondly that statement kind of wigged me out.
much to my dismay she promptly spun me around and taped what
appeared to be a magazine cutout unto my back.
"now, you have to ask questions to see who you are?"
"who am i?"
"silly! they have to be yes or no questions!"
and she stood waiting expectantly for me to ask her a
question...so i stuttered one out.
"am i a celebrity?"
"YESSSSSSSSSSSSS! see now isn't this fun?"
and before i could respond that it wasn't i was quickly
assaulted by one of the finance officers.
"oh you poor baaaaaaby!" our assistant vp of financial
operations gushed pointing at my cast, "still not off?"
now i see this woman every day, all day. in fact i had her
sign off on a service agreement that morning.
"can i sign it?"
aside from the fact that i felt weird having a 40 year old
mother of 2 autographing my cast, i felt that the cast was
not conducive to signatures.
i told her as such, but she was no longer listening as she
had engaged in what i like to call the "full flirtations fling!"
the full flirtatious fling! what is it? it is when two
people (normally in the same department) awkwardly have
flirtatious conversations with uncomfortable sexual
overtones hoping to sound joking, but probably hoping that
something sexual will actually come of it.
only, when you add alcohol into the mix it gets a thousand
times more awkward. not only did the woman giggle like a
little school girl, but the guy (the associate vp in charge
of financial forecasts)put his hand around her waist.
incredibly...rather than rejecting this advance, she turned
into him and craned her head up to him basically cooing at him.
let's just say if that woman's husband came in, he'd be
justified in loosening the guy's dental fillings.
so time went by and i hung out with my legal department
artfully keeping away from all other departments. you see
departments are like racial barriers in high schools. no
departments mix. and some departments are inferior to others.
so there we were when all of a sudden there was a commotion.
apparently a man had put a paper party hat on his head! oh
the fucking craziness! oh look, he's doing that bullshit
where he acts crazier the more people pay attention to him.
he started yelling.
"what the fuck is wrong with that 'should-have-been-abortion'?"
"oh that's just mike...he get's CUH-RAZY when he drinks!"
a girl in HR said to me.
wow. mike is fucking crazy.
so unfortunately i strayed like a sickly calf from my legal
herd and was promptly assaulted by some dipshhit in marketing.
"so...taht cast must suck in this hot weather."
"yeah. it sucks."
"so what you got pins in there?"
"wow...so do you like...set off metal detectors now?"
"wow!? really. that's like...a major security risk if you
think about it?"
"well. people could like...i mean terrorists could so sew
up a switchblade into them, or something metal, it doesn't
even have to be big...like a uh...a"
"yeah dude...a razor man."
this had to be the dumbest shit i have ever heard in my
entire life. but i wanted him to follow it to its logical
"how would they get it out though?"
"once they're all sewn back up...how would they open
themselves back up?"
"hmmm good question...sure they'd come up with something."
"don't you think that sewing a blade or something so
incredibly sharp would cause massive internal bleeding?"
at this he stopped and eyeballed me.
"dude, i'm not a terrorist...how should i know?"
but the joy was not over. no night is complete without dale
acting like a jackass. dale is 5'5, built like a lumpy
potato sack and completely oblivious that to the fact that
his name indicates that he's an ass. dale is constantly
hitting on one of the girls in our legal department. she's
the perfect girl for a sexual harrassment suit for dale.
blond, petite, young and hot as hell.
so dale saddled up next to her and started his barrage.
"sooooooo. how you enjoying the party?" dale said smiling a
lascivious grin which showed that he was missing his
molars...what a class act.
he was uncomfortably close to her too. i was standing
across from her to dale's left. and rolling my eyes.
"hey....boy you sure seem like you've partied already!" she
where are the asshole girls? i want to know. i never know
any that's for sure! she should have kneeled him in the
"you know it girl." and with that dale looked up and down
her body like a rancher must look at his prized dairy cow
when he decides to carve her up for dinner.
the look said enough so she moved to my left so that dale
was now to my right.
he stood there perplexed for a while then said,
"come on girl...why don't you come back over here? i don't
bite...i might nibble, but..."
"OK, dude, we gotta go get a refill on drinks." and we
boogied. that was all the awkward sexual overtones trying
to sound joking but really not that i could take.
i love office parties.
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