2008-07-23 10:18:46 (UTC)

Film 101 studies, and personal persuits being dragged behind it all...

Well... Bad way to start maybe but some stuff needs to get
off my mind YET AGAIN!!! It's nearly 5 in the morning and
i really need to cut out that not even addiction to Mob
wars. I don't even know why I do it any more. I feel like
it's the last remotely fun immediate thing I can do right
now. I don't have to set anything up for it, I don't have
to bust out video games that I have played for a very long
time, no plans need to be made with friends. I can just go
ahead and play, and play as often as I like. I go up in
rank depending on how frequently I do do that. IT is a
negative genre of entertainment and a lonely one, but that
is precicely why it works for me.

I've been farting up a storm. Don't know what is up with
me. Would love to drink some coffee right now but I'm
waiting just a bit for some more people to get up. That
way I could drink with the rest of them. Not have to
rebrew anything. Besides, it keeps me here and focused at
the matter at hand. And the matter at hand is ME!

I am the problem and the solution. I like writing this
fast. The whole writing thing surely did help.

I started writing a script. Series of short stories in
screenplay format call it what you will. Regardless, I
felt that I should start writing so I did. Whatever comes
of it, it does not matter.

I'm very much over I would like to watch
movies the way they were suppose to be watched.

Due to watching the Dark KNight recently *(with Heath
Ledgers amazing performance,) as well as watching Broke
Back Mountain, put me in a trance of a mood that has been
dancing around on top of a collage of feelings finally
coming out.

I felt bad about how I felt about Chris today. I felt like
I only like him. Not so much love him. This is the first
time I've ever felt this way. Falling out of love am I? I
hope not. But it's hard to imagine, cause I still miss him
a lot when he is a way. Maybe I'm just drawn to my current
projects a little too much, that I have forgotten him.
Forgotten my love for him. Forgotten what it is to love a
man. What is up with me?

Heath Ledger though, has put me in a trance of a mood.
I've been down and as if in a dream the whole time. I've
been somewhat fanasizing about him. What would it be like
to have known him? TO have worked with him as an actor/
director? OR maybe having a love scene together as actors?
Why do these things plague my mind? Are they hotter scenes
in my mind then they are between me and Chris?

Has the spark between me and Chris seriously just faded?
Am I bipolar, or is he just nuts? I think he is nuts.
TOday I had an EEG. All is well I hope. IF it is or isn't
one could only hope I won't ever have a seizure ever
again. It would save me a boat load of money. Next thing I
have to look into is canceling my life insurance. My mom
will get her own through a different provider. I'll
supervise so that it all goes as planned and that she
doesn't get suckered into a whole life policy. Besides
that my phone bill canceled and wrapped into a family plan
would be swell, but to be plugged into that miracle phone
that Chris had mentioned would be even better. Let's
evaluate my options...

Monthly expenses..
Life INS........42
____________ _____

Should all those expenses leave me be then I would just
have to contribute to my IRA. Assuming that I don't figure
out how to work out that new phone thingy then say up to
20 in a new phone bill. I bet it wouldn't go past 10 but I
wouldn't be so sure. Anything can happen when you are
working with not sure numbers. But that is a near 1/3rd
reduction of my monthlies. Whoohoo!!! Maybe to early to
celebrate. I haven't done anythign to get any of those
things yet.

I would like to attract some new monthly expenditures that
are more based on fun. I was thinking netflix, but I don't
need it cause I'll have a library full of movies I can use
at school for free. BEsides that I would like to add on an
extra 20 bucks on to my IRA to retire for sure quicker.
Can't wait till the day that I dearly do not have to worry
about money. Then Metra will take in to account. I assume
that will be a monthly fee of like 80 but must investigate
for sure. Gonna try and not make the monthly expenses
surpass 110. Don't know how much I will be able to
comfortably afford without straining with work. I'd love
to take it easy.