2001-10-09 21:40:52 (UTC)


i think i figured out what to do. ive experienced
emotional pain, mental pain, and social pain, and if i
remember my health class, i need physical pain to balance
everything. whenever i really self mutiliate myself, i
usually forget my feelings and am fine for the next couple
days. but remember hearing that you can get amnesia, a
condition ive wanted for a very long time, by going into
trauma, whether it be mental, emotional, whatever. i
choose physical. this way, i can hopefully kill a part of
my mind that is giving me all this pain. if i cut/stab/burn
myself while my evil subconscious is dominating my
personality, i can hurt it by hurting myself while im in
that state of mind. it happened once before, but not as
much as i wanted. and yes, this is all in my head. but i
can't help it. iris theory. of course this is just all in
my mind, im going insane and i don't want to. i just need
an escape. i need something over the top, like a burn mark
that hurts all the time. i can't just stop when i want to,
i need to go father that i want. i don't want to be the
product of my intentions. i just need an escape from
this. im thinking of boiling water, or some burn cause
that usually always goes overboard. i need to burn myself
somewhere where my friends and family will never see it,
like my thigh, i just hope i can still do karate w/ it
being all burnt. well, i did karate when i stabbed myself
with a colored pencil in the arm, so ill be alright then.
my ideal state as of now would be amnesia, because then i
could forget about everything ive done, everything ive been
told, and i could start anew. it would be like being
reborn, which i have yet to feel.