blkdragon

grounded
2008-07-21 02:21:07 (UTC)

Shaky Equilibrium

7/16--6:39AM--Woke from a dream an hour ago, some guy got me
to go walking with him, he was not in a peaceful state; he
wasn't agitated either. We'd stop at some woman's house, I
imagined it to be his Sister, he'd go upstairs for some
reason; she'd sign some form of hex in his direction. I'd
wake and roll out of bed, I began straightening up, went to
reheat yesterday's coffee. I thought of my Brother Bilal,
I'm supposed to be sending him a copy of the movie
"Equilibrium," I also thought of Pretty; we were supposed to
talk yesterday and didn't.
I did speak with Lynne yesterday, until the signal was
dropped, she was at the beach and I sent a text telling her
that we'd talk when she finished enjoying the waves. Paula
arrived with the key to the garage, she'd interrupt my
conversation with Lynne twice, she's doing aesthetic repairs
to the apartment; nothing beneficial!
Pelham called, when I conclude our conversations, he seems
upset; he merely continues to mention the same issues when
we talk. He'd tell me that the woman he was once seeing
married the man that had been living in her house, she
called to tell him, he immediately told her that he thought
they wouldn't be speaking anymore; she developed an attitude
and hung up on him. I told him that she wanted to share her
happiness with him, or make him jealous, he exacerbated the
situation by not congratulating her; I then told him that he
needs to have a talk with her Husband to get her to stop
calling him. I don't think either of them are done with
Pelham, the Husband checked her phone and called him once,
they don't trust each other and he's in the middle of that
shit; he wants to complicate matters by seeming to be more
intelligent than they.
I won't be calling Charlotte today, I'm feeling deceived,
dishonesty doesn't get anyone far with me; what I have to
say to her should only be said in person. If she's sharing
herself with anyone other than me, she's lost me, if she
can't be completely honest with me; she's lost me and
there'll be no debate on that score.
7/16--7:30AM--I had Paula come through the apartment
yesterday, we were heading for the garage, she'd comment on
how nice the place seemed; I'd forgotten to put away the
handcuffs I'd planned to use on Charlotte. The handcuffs are
an exercise in trust, she has a problem with me touching the
back of her head, her abuser would force her head to his crotch
Charlotte tells me that she'll have to get another job,
after training the new employee her earnings will suffer;
she's getting no child support and Carianne isn't giving her
enough money. Charlotte knows that I'd never move in with
her, her apartment is smaller than mine and I could never
have Carianne in my home. Three of my bills (phone/light/net
service) total less than $200, I'm paying $100 less rent
than Charlotte, my apartment has one more bedroom than hers
and the heat is included in the rent. Charlotte likes to
have all the lights on, I only use the lights I need, I
enjoy shadows in the night; I also enjoy candlelight. I
didn't need to turn any fans on while she was here, the
average temperature was 85, she kept mistaking the utility
closet for the bathroom; she'd ask about the little bat at
the other door and I'd tell her that it was crafted and
given to me by a co-worker.
I don't worry about intruders, anyone stupid enough to
believe they'd overrun me in my own home has a death wish, I
know where all the weapons are and they're poised for
instant access in the event of such an insanity; believe me,
I could kill a man!
The country was reeling from the effects of the Middle East
situation when my boy Lavon thought to start a wine tasting
business, I thought it a bad idea, he'd been suggesting that
he was doing rather well and I'm now of the opinion that
(like me) he needs to either return to school or find a job.
At the moment, 3 million residents are threatening to move
if conditions within the state don't improve!
I'm now wondering if the other cable wires into the
apartment are live, if I chose to move my office would I
have to call the cable company, I'll call them today and
inquire.
I'm pleased to find that Paula has finally removed her
Mother's remains from the apartment next door. As I changed
into work clothes, I thought about Obama and something my
Sister Donna said, she'd bought campaign banners to support
the incumbent candidate and said they'd be worth something
in the future; I almost decided to buy banners just for that
reason, it won't happen. I then thought about the comics I'm
storing, comics Joshua bought that we both read, 20 years
from now quite a few of them will have worth; that wasn't
the impetus for their purchase.
I have to ask Charlotte what she's afraid of when she thinks
of me, I'm getting a disturbing vibe, I'm going to make sure
to tell her that I'll know if she's not being honest with me.
I got a surprising email from my youngest Brother Mike, his
use of an endearment was unexpected, his response was in
reference to a movie we'd all discussed; "Equilibrium." This
has my vote for one of the greatest action movies ever made,
another movie that (although campy) has promise, "Shoot em up."
7/16--11:18PM--I've communicated with my Brothers more in
this one day than I usually do in the course of a year, it
actually felt good. I worked on the garage for four hours
today, I realized I was working with fiberglass and checked
online for handling instructions, I then finished for the
day; I put my clothes in the wash and showered. I should be
finished with the insulation removal tomorrow, I've been
troubled by Charlotte's actions last night, she called and
ended the conversation when her ride came; she seemed to
have been trying to hide something.
I didn't think her B-i-l came for her, why it would be an
issue is a mystery, I don't care whom Charlotte spends her
time with; but if she's sharing her body with anyone else,
she's not going to be sharing it with me. I didn't bother
calling her today, I didn't want to question her about the
situation, I do want her to understand that I inherently
know things; whether she tells them to me or not.
Cheetah got in touch with me today, she responded to a
forward I sent her, bad habits and being hard on ourselves.
It highlights how we have difficulty accepting compliments,
never being satisfied with a job well done, her response was
surprising; she'd tell me that she has been in counseling
for the last 5 months. Cheetah never told me that she'd been
raped, she'd go on to tell me that I seem to know more about
her than most, I think (perhaps) we should have that coffee
I invited her to?
So I'm not happy with Charlotte at the moment, I want to
have an open and honest relationship with anyone I relate
to, it doesn't seem as though such exists between us; I'd
turned my phone off for a moment. I expected Charlotte to
call late, I'm in no mood to talk to her, I'll be saying
things she won't want to hear and I'm not sure I can say
them without initiating her defense mechanisms; I turned the
phone back on. I don't see that I'll be doing much in the
way of answering it tomorrow either, I'd mentioned having
Pretty's picture on my desk while Charlotte was in my
office, she never mentioned seeing it; nor did she ask who
was in the picture.
I didn't bother trying to hide the picture either, then
there's the sketch of LaShun on the wall behind me,
Charlotte will call tomorrow; I'm not going to be in the
mood to talk then either, I hope. I'll be letting Charlotte
know that I don't keep anything from her, if she asks me a
question about anything or anyone at all, I'll give her
nothing but the truth; I have nothing to hide from anyone,
especially her. I'm not sure she can say the same to me,
that will eventually be her downfall, perhaps she got
jealous of Pretty's youth; how does one get jealous of a
photograph? Charlotte merely needed to ask and I'd have told
her whom she was looking at and what Pretty means to me.
I'll be working in the morning and skating in the evening, I
got an email today from Louisa's Cousin Becky, that's been
happening more times than not; I'm not in the mood to
explain the reason for my dropping off the planet.




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