Metallicminds

The Metallic life
2008-07-17 00:39:13 (UTC)

entry 85: Feelings


It's been days, maybe weeks since I had these words stuck in my head. A
friend of mine once said to me: "Timo, you're trying too hard. Get back to
your real self and be more confident in yourself". Times have been stressful
lately, maybe I got caught up trying to expect things to quickly and trying to
do the right thing that I seem to have forgotten to center myself. So I spent
time thinking about who I really am as a person.

And then lately I've heard a song that has been helping me get back to my
real self. For so long I've battled stereotypes, misunderstandings,
miscommunications that I tried hard to dispel all of them that maybe I should
have just been me.

Allow me to think about this, I will start with this blog listing the qualities I
know I have for sure, maybe it will be a start.

I will start with some words that should inspire some sort of thought but I
will limit the time I spend 5 seconds thinking of a word that has to do with
the topic:

I am..........
abstinent
spiritual
Open minded
never judgemental
caring
loving
strong minded
determined
efficient
gentle
unique
sometimes unorthodox
resilient
energetic
always looking forward
learning about confidence
different
lonely..............

umm, well I guess I wasn't expecting the last word on that list. Well I knew I
had that feeling but I guess it just came out. I only had 5 seconds to think of
a word that deals with the main topic. Maybe I am trying to hard, maybe thats
why, in a way I feel lonely. I know I'm a normal guy, maybe better sometimes.
I know I'm a normal guy because I feel great when I'm around people. I feel
even more normal when I'm around people and not only that, I always seem
to find myself putting a smile on some one else's face. Either through some
kind of joke or through my randomness. But I don't always joke around. I
know when to be serious and when to joke around. Even when I'm serious I
still manage to get people to smile without the use of humour. So all in all I'm
a good person. I had a friend who told me to be more confident because she
told me that I make a good leader. She said "Tim, I understand. People pass
you off as a guy who could do no harm but be more confident and show your
true colours, then they will see that you would make a good leader". I had a
hard time believing those words because back then I had terrible self esteem
and little to no confidence and I just didn't understand. But slowly I'm learning
to have confidence as the days go by. I don't know about the leader part. But
if my friend is right about me being a leader, then it will be a nice surprise.
But me as a leader, if my friend is right, then I'll have to see for myself. one
more thing someone told me that got me thinking, a friend of mine told me
that when she became friends with me that she said I'm comforting to be
around. I haven't seen or heard from her in almost a year. But there are
things that people have told me that got me thinking about who I really am
as a person. Wow, just creating that "I am....." list got me thinking. Last list
(question in this case) for tonight before I head off to bed.

If I only had one day to show the perfect person who I am, what would I show
her.........


...... I'd spend it showing her............. why is this so hard?... Am I trying too
hard again? The only I can show her is.... well actually I have 2 ears and one
mouth. Maybe I should listen twice as much as I should talk...... as with my
spiritual beliefs.


........ just got me hoping that who ever reads these blogs can understand the
symbolism that I use sometimes..........




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