Middle Child

july 4th, 08

I'm going to stand up for what i care about. I'm scared
shitless. In my past relationsips I would let things
slide... A LOT. I care about my current boyfriend and I
don't want us to end it because of misunderstandings. I care
about him enough to ask him what is up his fuckin ass!!?!

The past week we probably spoke for 3 hours in total. He's
too busy to call me at all. In the whole week, we didnt talk
for 4 days. Am I'm being too much of a crazy girlfriend or
is it understandable for me to be upset at him?

I texted him this morning telling him, "hey baby, call me
tonight".

I need to ask him why he has this habit of not calling me AT
ALL? All I want from him, if he is too busy, to atleast
call me at night for a minute to say Good Night.

Is that too much to ask?

I'm being so patient and understanding. I fuckin hate this
about myself. WHy can't I just lash out as soon as I notice
something!!!!

Well, I wouldnt really like myself for being such a bitchy
actually lol.

I'm scared I'm going to get hurt. But I need to fight it. I
need to protect myself and no one else is going to do it but
myself.

I just want to talk to him. I want to get it over with right
now.

My buddy just invited me over to our friend's bbq this
evening. I'm going. I'm not going to stay home while my
boyfriend is out with his friends having fun. I'm not going
to be that pathetic girlfriend who has no life.

I'm just scared. I'm scared to hear something that I don't
want to hear. I hate relationships. I knew I shouldnt have
been in this one. I never listen to myself. But he's my
bestfriend!!! How could i not get into this relationship
with someone who knows me so well....

I'm going to tan, it's relaxing for me.

Bye.