Amnesia

dude
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2008-07-03 06:05:11 (UTC)

Finding life's passion has timelines...

Sometimes I wonder whether I really am a writer at heart.
I don't like to write sometimes, I just like to sit and
think about everything. That is because no matter how
faast I type I can't seem to get it all out fast enough. I
think in this particular entry I will try to test that. So
just a warning there will be spelling errors. And if you
can't read this I don't care./ I'm trying to set up a new
speed for myself in which I am confident in writing. One
that comes more naturally. Because if it comes more
naturally then more of me as oppose to the ego will be
recoreded and that all equals good stuff.

Right now I am living with my parents. I love the room I'm
in it's so very nice. There's just this nice energy about
it and ther is this nice routine I've somewhat set up
here. That is that I wake up, check my mob wars, make some
coffee, drink some water or change somewhere in there.
Then eventually I get or make food after that. I have
absolutely nothing to do so I've been taking care of some
stuff, and today is my big day of reflection. I really
need to do this, and the fact that the movie I want to
watch is loading really slowly is a good sign that helps
me just get on down to it.

The things I've been meaning to improve on included my
overall general health. So I started jump roping every day
as a little bit of cardio before breakfast. This is good
and I like it very much because it's suppose to help me
burn fat. More then that I would just like to stay fit.
Therefore I've almost fully abandoned my car and will be
taking the bicycle. I'm getting better at riding it
consideering that I havent' got much endurance. I would
love to be a ble to ride my bike to school, but I think
that taking the metra will save me a boat load of hassles,
such as traffic, time, and so forth.

From the move that I've done recently I have noticed that
being physically active to the point of exhaustion every
day gets me motivated for life. Maybe that is the ultimate
perscription to getting rid of epilepsy.

I scare myself sometimes. I stopped taking my pills for a
while. Every now and then I'll pop one or two of them
things. But tomorrow I really need to make an appointment
with my doctor to see if my levels of whatever they
measure for are okay. If they are then maybe I can get off
these things. That would save me about 60 bucks every
month and a half if I take them as prescribed.

I'm all about saving money now a days. THat whole getting
rid of the car thing was a great Idea. Soon I'll hopefully
abandon my drugs, I'm on the fence about he life
insurance. Perhaps we can get a cheaper quote for my mob
wrapping it up in with all of those policies. No car
insurance, no sticker fees. Just the occassional fill
someones tank fee. I'll pay that as I go. Takin in to
account the current situation at hand I'll drive
accordingly. The IRA is for me, so even though it is a
monthly payment, it is something that will come back to me
in years to come, and I am glad for doing it. I would love
to put more money in it actually. Perhaps this lifestyle
change will allow that.

I was thinking of not having a cell phone, but I think
I'll help my mom get rid of her lan line instead and wrap
in internet and cable into something for a similar price
to what she is paying now. Besides that I'm gonna resign
from the greatest plan on the planet when talking cell
phones. Instead I'll indulge in a family plan. I don't
talk that much anymore anyway. I just have to figure out
when my plan expires. That will be about 30 dollars of
saving every month that will go into either my IRA or my
metra.

Have to get my debit card back from the bank, or get a new
one. I'm not liking this whole thing where I can't do
debit. I don't mind discover at all, but I don't like the
idea that I have to watch it. THen again they do have 5 %
cash back. So what I might do is just dump a weekly
allowance in there every week and know that if I go past
that then I'll be over for the week of what is in my
budget and I will bueget accordingly. I'll splurge with
Chris or Karoline every now and then, and sometimes I"ll
withdraw cash from a WAMU atm, but all an all I'll have a
budget. Which is the next thing I'll get into after this
whole thing.

Flashpoint starts in 2 months and I can make a lot of
damage financially and on a personal level, on a career
level and on a friend level. Unemployment is great because
it gives me time and money. Granted it's not as much money
as I would like to have but hey, I am not really working
for it. I could take the time I have to spend with people
I've lost touch with, like Oscar, Anna, etc. Then again
that brings up the whole, were we even taht tight anyway,
and if this friendship dissipates, does that mean that
weave evolved like we were suppose to?

I could get another job so that Japan becomes a
realization not just a fantasy. So that I can upgrade that
Mac I want to get, so taht I can actually get the 3 year
warranty like maybe I'm suppose to, or just more
harddrives that I can store movies on. Then again, do I
really want to store movies on hard drives, I'm sure I
wouldn't mind, but maybe I can just view them all online.
Perhaps not. Those things are always half hit half miss.
Anyway...Basically if I get a job that's under the radar I
could double my money or even more, and not give me so
much time to spend it, or actually it might give me more
of an opportunity to spend on gas, clothes, food for work,
transportation or whatever. Anyway, I wouldn't mind some
new clothes.

I have to figure out how I would like to build up
my "image" for flashpoint. I could walk in there like not
in a cocky way , but just act the part until I am the
part. Problem is I don't know what part I am to play. THat
ties in with teh whole thing of how I could be using my
time right now. I could be directing stuff, writing screen
plays would probably be the simplest, but I guess I'm just
not as motivated to that because of a couple of things
that keep me back. One of them being that I've always been
waiting for my life to start. Not really being in it. Just
always striving. And once I pass that line, it's gonna be
balls to the wall and no way out. Maybe previously I"ve
been scarred through overworking and not being able to
have fun. If that ever becomes the case with me and
directing I really hope that I can identify it as so, and
give myself ample time off when neccesssary.

The other reason why I am not raelly pursuing my passion
actively is that I kinda worry that I might set up some
bad trends that once I get to school I'll think, oh crap I
did it wrong and now I have to relearn it. Well, that
really shouldn't be a problem too much IF it happens
because then I jsut say oh well, and adapt. Good lesson
Adapting. But then there is the act of a scheduled
regiment that would have to break as soon as I start
flashpoint because I keep different hours right now. I
would have to have a time at which I only write, or only
work on my creative ideas. THought I would love to
dedicate some hour of the day on such endeavors, there are
times when my life is somewhat out of my hands, whether
due to a party, some kind of high status, hosting to
friends, just something I'd have to get past. I would like
to spend this time hanging with friends and Chris because
as soon as school starts I will have minimal time for
them.

Sounding like me would be, the ambition coming through: To
work full time, under the table, and make some 400 per
week. That would come out to let's jsut say 3200 buck
extra. I can repay Chris, save a bit for Japan. But at the
same time I would love to work more hours, make more
money, doing something I would at least have fun at.
Whatever it is. Be it hourly or tip pay. Then in the mean
time I would love to squeeze in that creative time. Which
would be hard to get started with but There are so many
ways in which I can do it.
I could ease in to it where at first I start doing morning
pages some couiple minutes a day on the computer writing
in this diary. That would atleast improve my typing
ability. That would be great in itself. Besides, if I end
up being a writer, I'm gonna have to write a lot.
Anything, everything, criticisms, blogs, observations,
experiences, SCRIPTS, jokes, everything.

Getting in that movie mentality is really interesting.
Like right now I'm watching the bucket list. IT is a whole
different perspective watching the film from a film
perspective. For example I was noticing the line you're
suppsoe to keep as a cameraperson ina shot. That was very
well done when they were sitting on the pyramids. Heck an
averagae person would of not even probably cough that tiny
twist when Nicholson moved his head up a bit. THen theres
the lines. The way that they aren't so direct, and how you
know what's gonna happen cause it was kinda given away in
the previews but you still lose hope every now and then
that that is the direction that the story will go in. Like
when they were in the hospital and Samuel Jackson crumbled
up that piece of paper, and how the next day he reacted to
it lik it's jsut jibberish. I love the dynamics of the
characters.

They say, if you want to be a photographer, take pictures,
if you want to be awriter, write. I know its not really a
good thing to feel bad comapring yourself to other people.
I feel as thought I shouldn't be doing what I am currently
doing. Seems as though I feel as thought I would be a big
phony. Being so hyped up, saying I'm gonna be great, but
not even bouncing off ideas anymroe. Not keeping that
whole thing active. Makes me wonder what happend. It
doesn't matter. And I shouldn't compare myself to other
people, but should do it for my own joy

That's why I was thinking of YOUTUBE and the videos there.
I would like to post up those experiments I was thinking
of. How would the crowd react, and how would i have to do
this. Will it get a lot of hits, will it matter? Is taht
my original idea that is going to get me into the big
times? Not really what I thought I'd be known for. And why
think of the future so fast. Haven't done anything but
have an idea and then I'm thinking of the greatness of the
outcome and not doing anything about it now. That is
something I am working on with myself, and I am getting
better.

Other things I'd like to work on with myself is more
personal affirmations in my world. More time for books. If
I can increase the speed of my typing just by saying that
I will do it because it is neccessary I'm sure I can do
the same with my reading. But will it stick is the other
answer. Will i will it to stick? That usually requires
much slower reading, or total focus. That I usually can't
keep for a long period of time. Meditation. What ever
happened with that?


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