blkdragon

grounded
2008-07-03 03:49:43 (UTC)

Strolls

7/1--4:31PM--The street experience Charlotte has garnered
has been by proxy, by knowing people that have been streetwise.
7/2--6:32PM--I woke at 3:30, I always seem to need something
to put in my mouth at this time in the morning, I grabbed
slices of Swiss from the frig and returned to bed while
eating them. I immediately began dreaming, didn't bother
trying to remember it or them, didn't get out of bed until
the sun was well above the horizon. Paula and Brian came by
yesterday, don't know why, it was the first of the month and
I didn't feel like writing her a check; I didn't bother to
acknowledge their presence and receded to the recesses of
the apartment. Paula has noticed that I'm not taking out any
garbage but my own. I was on the phone with Pretty, I'm sure
we talked about her dealing with the fact that Chris has
difficulty accepting her love, she's decided not to stress
about it; to love him regardless.
Charlotte called while I spoke with Pretty, I let the call
go to voicemail, she told me that she wanted to see how I
was doing and that I could call her if I wanted to; emphasis
on the fact that I "could and if I wanted to" call her.
I have to hand it to her, she's perceptive, she immediately
picked up on the fact that I didn't care to hear what she
may be doing with anyone else; she's also noticed that
because there's someone else, I'm ghost. This is why she
left that specific message, I didn't call her and that
should have told her that I didn't want to call her, her
message told me that she wanted me to call. I never call her
to tell her what I'm doing with anyone else, what would be
the impetus for that, especially knowing that it would
bother her to know that I was seeing someone. What was it
about our conversation that she thought she should give me
permission to call her, perhaps she thought I'd felt
rejected because of her "friend" and her "invitation" is to
prove that she wanted me to continue calling her, fuck all
that; I've got to concentrate on my life here, my life
without her. I don't care whether she's doing anything with
her "friends," I've got nothing to say about any of that, if
I'm not calling her or answering her calls; I don't have to
hear about her escapades and my not calling will let her
know that her escapades don't excite me.
She has rapidly become a distraction that I don't need, I'm
getting to a point where I don't really care about her life,
I'm also getting to the point where her life is not going to
be more important to me than my own. She knows something is
changing, she also knows that she doesn't like it, normally
I'd make time to call after she's called me, I haven't done
that because I have neither the need or desire to do so. The
reality is that she is on the very fringe of my life, that's
where she chooses to be, the fringe is nowhere near close to
me and I'm in the process of relegating her to staying at
the outer rim; maybe she can become my fukbuddy, nah!
When all is said and done, she and I don't have a life, we
have conversations that I can do without, I'm not asking
anything of her; she's going to feel as though I'm putting
pressure on her to do something and I'm not. I'm making a
decision that has very little to do with her, she's not
going to like that, there's no alternative to that choice;
too many obstacles in the way of our having a relationship
that would be healthy for any of us.
I decided to buy pedals for the mountain bike Joshua left
here, the bike shop is 4.35 miles from my apartment and I
chose to walk, I'd be going through neighborhoods I normally
do 40mph through; I'd get the standard intimidating stares
that didn't work on me. I'm not easily intimidated, there
were times when I felt followed, as soon as I got the
attention of my shadow it would disappear.
If someone caught my eye, I let them have it, I never avert
my gaze; whatever you want to do is alright with me. I made
a point to take my time, I was out for a leisurely stroll
through the hood, it didn't matter that it wasn't my hood;
I'm not afraid to update my ghetto pass. It took me 2hours
to do 8 3/4 miles, I made the return trip through the same
hoods. I did notice a beauty walking in my direction, on the
way to the shoppe, I'd soon recognize her as a street
walker; she stopped to say something to a man at his car.
Red Capri pants, yellow heels and her slamming figure were
all I bothered to remember. She stopped to speak to the man
to see if I'd give her a double take, I'm not a trick and
she had nothing I wanted to buy, if I stopped it would have
been because she was paying; I didn't bother to turn around
as I passed her, nor did I glance in her direction.
The game is non-stop, there is a price to pay, the man at
the car was about to pay for his lesson; the female didn't
catch my eye because it's construed as "reckless eye
ballin." In the street, it's how a female chooses, there are
no women in the street; women don't sell themselves. The
female did look at me, hoping to find a prospective
customer, that isn't what she saw in my demeanor; that's why
she turned to the man at the car. In the street, if you
don't have something to sell, you have something to buy!
I wasn't bothered as I strolled, I was tested a couple of
times, had I come up short; had I not been on my toes, I'd
have been a casualty. In any, every hood, the same faces
surface; new faces are customers or competition. Being that
I was just passing through, I had no beef to serve or take,
I stayed in motion; had I stopped there may have been
problems. Were I to have stopped, I'd have found myself on
someone's turf, someone's corner; that would have made me
competition or worse, 5-0!
I put the pedals on the bike, as soon as I got home, I took
the bike out for a spin and everything was close to gravy. I
had to adjust the front tire, it was rubbing against the
brakes, I'll have to make an adjustment to the gear box, the
bike is supposed to have 18 speeds and I seemed only to
command 12. I'd stopped at an upholstery shop, I inquired as
to a headliner, I'll bring the car by tomorrow and they'll
give me an estimate; should round out to $220; then I'll
figure when I'll be able to get it done.
I noticed a young lady blading past the house, she was
having such a great time, not much dancing can be done on
blades; she was losing herself in motion though and it was a
joy to watch. She'd roll past the apartment a few times
before calling it a day. I would notice Paula and Brian as
early evening rolled in, I see she isn't wasting time to get
paid, but she will waste time to mow the lawn; I wasn't
planning to give her a check. I wrote the check and took it
outside, Brian exited the car, I'd give Paula her money and
mention the work that is pending; the plate outside the door
for one thing. She told me that she was going to get on that
soon, she needs to get on it before the shelving I'm using
begins to come apart.
She asked if I wanted chairs to leave outside, she has them
in the garage, I told her no; I didn't want to come outside
and find anyone camped in that area.
She would tell me about guys coming to the door, when she
and her Daughter lived here alone, they'd even come after
Brian started living here; he's such a pussy. Paula told me
of one man jiggling the doorknob, that's an automatic
whooping, then we call the police; Brian's not going to get
in any man's face. Brian would want to have a discussion
with the perpetrators of such actions, talking isn't the
first thing I'd do, boundaries would be established; physically.
Paula would ask how I felt about being a hall monitor, I
asked what the job pays, she would give me a phone number to
call and said the man would discuss the specifics. I would
get a call from Pretty, we'd discuss Chris and Charlotte,
have a few laughs and she'd head out for a run.
I'm imagining Charlotte wanting to ask if I'm angry with
her, why I'm not calling her, I'm not angry and what would I
call for; to shoot the shit? I'm starting to feel the same
way I felt when I told Kathy she had to leave, what other
alternative is there, what are we doing with each other? I
want to tell Charlotte to find someone to spend her time
with and stop thinking about me, then I can stop thinking
about her without feeling guilty. Stepping away from her
hasn't worked so far, she keeps coming back, it's after 11;
she hasn't tried calling me today. I'm of the opinion that
she knows I don't want to talk to her, otherwise I'd call,
she's trying to figure out why; for the same reasons that
she has mentioned our not having a relationship, they're
good reasons. Apparently I'm farther under her skin than she
lets on, that situation can be remedied, step away and stay
away!




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