the major downside to being gainfully employed is that you
never seem to have any time to do the things you truly love.
yet i have still managed to save some of my day for my
favorite pasttime: people watching.
this really is mostly because i have no choice. working in
a large corporation you come into contact with A LOT of
people. the thing with people is that most of them are
completely off of their rockers.
there was this one guy who i had to talk to about some legal
issues. he had a small office which was filled with
insurance claims. he himself looked like one of those
people that kind of gives you the creeps right off the bat.
he was tall and spindly, with an elongated face and
exaggerated chin. all that and he was wearing those glasses
that only sadistic nazi doctors wear...you know, the round
spectacle kind that barely sit on the tip of your nose.
so there i was with dr. von insurance claim, thinking, "i'm
gonna freak the fuck out if he closes his office door," when
my eyes happened on something that made him infinitely moore
right in front of me was a gurgling water fountain. which
is all good and well. but in the middle of the water
fountain were two large hands, then i looked up to the top
of the water fountain (the whole thing was maybe 3 feet or
so tall) and it was the face of jesus christ. the water was
tears. they were streaming out of his eyes over his hands.
but as if people themselves weren't weird enough, machines
supply all the added agitation which is necessary for a
properly entertaining span of people watching. so there i
was sitting in our kitchen eating my kung pao chicken when i
watched someone walk up to the vending machine.
now let me tell you something about this vending machine, it
must have been designed to piss people off. they sell 24 oz
diet dr. peppers. the problem with selling 24 oz diet dr.
peoppers is that the bottle is too big to be able to tip
forward and fall down the chute. so, inevitably, when
someone tries to get a diet dr. pepper, it will clunk
against the wall and sit mockingly there. it won't move.
believe me i tried and damn near toppled the machine on top
so there i was, in the kitchen, enjoying my break, when i
saw a quite heavy-set guy from marketing come in. i had
never talked to him before so we did that thing that is
apparently the common courtesy in corporations which is to
act like neither of us existed.
so he puts his crinkled dollar bill in, and after two
unsuccessful tries i hear a grunt of approval followed by
the sound of him keying in the numbers.
of course the diet dr. pepper got stuck. so now the guy was
in this awkward position of trying not to look like he was
about to lose his shit over a diet dr. pepper (he plainly
looked like he was). he ever so slightly craned his neck
around to see if i was still watching him. i was.
so he hit the glass quickly...trust me, doesn't work. then
gave a grunt of dissatisfaction, then slightly jostled the
then he did what has to rank up there as one of the dumbest
things i've seen in a while. he put ANOTHER dollar in, and
bought ANOTHER diet. dr. pepper for some reasong thinking
that that row was the only that had a problem.
so there he was staring in disbelief at his own stupidity.
two diet dr. peppers mockingly tilted towards him but
forever out of his reach.
finally he gave up and bought a frappuccino, hurriedly
telling me, "someone really has to fix that machine."
and apparently i am also weird. during casual conversation
at lunch the other day i happened to mention that i watch
curious george every morning on pbs. the table talk went
"because i hate those morning talk shows."
"so you watch a KID'S show?"
that was said in that mocking tone of, oh man i can't
believe this nigga watches curious george!
apparently i am.