lukeryu

Mental Screamings
2008-06-24 06:05:49 (UTC)

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas?

I was deeply saddened when I heard of the death of George
Carlin last night. I was reading a thread of his death and
found the following. I got to the last line, and for
whatever it struck me as funny as all hell. I was laughing
for a solid 5 minutes.

Always do whatever's next.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should
always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a
long period of time.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put
things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next
dusting has already been established.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul
goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you
is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as
many people who believe it.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located
in something called the Professional Building. I felt better
right away.

I think it would be interesting if old people got
anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover
other people's lost memories.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want.
We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me -
they're cramming for their final exam.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat
the purpose.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol
was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and
I realize I'm listening to it.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and
State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up
enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a
PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made
our arms shorter.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then
I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled
for very little.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the
circus has left town.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get
paid just enough money not to quit.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what
to do about it if I did.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

People who say they don't care what people think are usually
desperate to have people think they don't care what people
think.

Religion is just mind control.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people
dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some
people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we
need are ovations where the audience members all punch and
kick one another.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where
all the bad girls live.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant.
Every table had an argument going.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose
answers I accept.

The status quo sucks.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time,
somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to
set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close
enough to get the job done.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the
moon howls.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and
the recent past.

Think off-center.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight
fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention
that part to us, do they?

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day,"
I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the
electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm
sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When
you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a
chocolate candy bar.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas?
Fewer Texans.


Gnight




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