blkdragon

grounded
2008-06-14 20:05:23 (UTC)

No surprises!

6/14--11:06AM--I woke at 6, started a load of laundry, got a
cup of coffee and returned to bed. I woke from a dream
yesterday morning, I was in some woman's house, I appeared
to have been working; something came out of a room. The
thing skirted across the floor, I didn't know if it was
electronic or organic, she told me that it was electronic;
she then went to get comfortable. I could see that our
relationship was about to become more personal, then I woke.
Skated last night, saw a beautiful chica, great body and
smile; I think she was celebrating someone's birthday. She
had a friend there that reminded me of Ellie Mae Clampett,
two braids in her hair, tight Capri pants and striped
t-shirt; she also had one hell of an ass. I thought she was
trying too hard, the chica was mellow and rolled with her
stomach exposed for a while, she either knows how to eat or
does some type of exercise regimen, as I said; she was
attractively mellow.
Skated Thursday, saw Paula, apologized; she'd tell me about
her motorcycle burning up. The place would fill with
Philippina's and 4 of their respective mating prospects,
they would become white by association, I'd get a call from
Luv; I'm supposed to watch the game with him tomorrow night.
I ended my night early, headed for the store, I stopped at
Hollywood videos; grabbed a couple of films. As I went to
pay for the video's my phone rang, Charlotte, I can't say
that I was surprised. She said she wasn't sure I'd answer
the phone, she also wasn't sure I wouldn't curse her out,
yet she called; I asked when had I ever not answered the
phone or yelled at her? I don't make it a point to be rude
or inconsiderate, that's why she called, she went on to tell
me that she wanted to wish me a happy Father's Day; I hadn't
considered the fact that it was just Friday the 13th.
I told her I'd moved, I mentioned the job prospect, she
asked when I'd start; she has motive. She called because she
knew I'd answer the phone, I don't have a reason to ignore
her, or do I; I answered the phone and wasn't the one left
wanting.
She would tell me that she'd been in contact with Billy,
that I feel towards her the way she feels towards him, in
that she'd prove to be wrong; she lacks self control and I
do not. She would read to me the last email he sent to her,
she needed help understanding it; they are both (apparently)
illiterate, his sentence structure lacked cohesion. Billy
would start with a particular point to make and get lost in
the construction, he wasn't the focal point of her intention
with me, she wanted me to respect her (supposed) honesty;
Billy was the focal point of her emotions during my time
with her, even though she suggested otherwise. She gave me
her undivided attention, he was the one in her heart, she
can keep him there; I can be elsewhere.
I would go on to tell her that when all is said and done,
Billy left her and sleeps with another woman each night, a
woman he chose over her; he's being unfaithful to that woman
in communicating (desire to and) with her. Why should she
believe that he'd ever be faithful to her, she doesn't know
that she disrespects herself in her attempts to win him from
this girl, I told her that it made no sense that she was
trying to win a game she didn't understand; if he'd have
wanted her, he'd have never left her. And yet, he was
telling her that his life with this woman was a living hell,
in reality; Billy isn't worth any woman's time, they don't
know that! Charlotte tries to tell me that women are wired
differently than men, the truth is the truth, reality is
reality, regardless of emotional wiring. I can live without
Charlotte, I can live with the memory of her everyday and
lead a fruitful and productive life, watch me! Charlotte
made a point to tell me that my Son told her that if she
ever left me, he'd be unhappy with her, because he'd never
seen me as happy as when I'd been with her and you're point
is what? I never knew my Son said that to her, it may have
been a veiled threat, his way of telling her not to play
with me; it made me feel closer to my Son, not her.
I told Charlotte that I'd always been aware of the fact that
although she was physically with me, she was emotionally
with Billy, that's why I had to say goodbye to her; because
I knew her longing. I told her that she's addicted to him,
being the eternal gambler, she believes she can win;
regardless of the fact that she doesn't understand the game.
I told her I don't need to play, I mentioned a well-known
Kenny Rogers tune, she was familiar; yet she ignores the
obvious advice. I mentioned what Bea told me, Charlotte and
I weren't done, only because she understands Charlotte and
the dynamics of a woman's addiction; Charlotte wants to have
her cake and eat it too. Charlotte was at that moment (as
always) trying to hedge her bets, in her heart she knows
she's wasting her time with Billy, she doesn't want to lose
me while wasting her time; it's already too late. When you
can't see the forest for the trees, you shouldn't leave the
house, we would talk for 5 hours; she told me that I was
burning her up (pissing her off)! She still didn't want to
hear the truth, she called me, I didn't call her; where I
find myself with her is not where I want to be.
I thanked her for finally being honest with herself, now she
could truly be honest with me, to little and no avail; it's
too little, too late. She'll be having surgery on the 25th,
she wants to have sex before then, she won't be able to have
sex with Billy and hopes she can have sex with me; in this
she will prove to be wrong. She mentioned returning my keys,
only so she could see where I was with her, I told her to
keep them. In telling her to keep the keys, she believes she
may have an opportunity to use them, I told her the only key
that would be of any use is the key to the outside door. I
told her that I usually keep the doors open.
She led me to hope, even when she knew there was none, it's
time she bites the fruit she grows. I told her that all the
while she was telling me that we weren't on the same page,
she was longing for Billy, her longing was an insult to my
existence in her life. I asked her why was she telling me
how much she loved and cared for me if she was secretly
plotting his return to her life, why was she telling me her
thoughts of moving to NY and denying my getting closer to
her; she wasn't ready for these questions. She was hoping
I'd accept everything she said without question, she knows
me better than that, I'm not Billy; I'm more and then some.
If being used is her wish, she doesn't want to ask me to do
that, I'll make him look like a rugrat and she will never
get enough. I told her that she wouldn't be my next habit,
it appears she's looking for hers, she can't afford for it
to be me; I can't afford to have this type of character in
my life, I'll become a demon.
She would tell me of a dream she'd had, she'd come to NY for
Rum cake, she'd gone to Villa Italia to get it; she said
that I'd been watching her and she'd been unaware of me. She
didn't notice me noticing her until she decided to leave the
shop, then she woke up.
She didn't understand the dream, what the dream told her was
that I was more aware of what she was doing (from the start)
than she'd ever given me credit for, the abrupt end to the
dream was the end of her options with me; the end of any
control she may ever have had.
I would go on to tell her about the wall size mirror in the
living room, knowing how much she enjoys watching herself
engaged in sex, I began telling her what I had planned to do
with and to her; how she would have (absolutely) no control
in our sexplay whatsoever. She would go on to ask if she
could be actively involved, only to the point of following
my instructions, I would tell her that she's always in too
much of a hurry; that I was going to make her slow down and
allow things to happen in the course of their own time. That
I would make love to her so slowly that she would beg me to
allow her to come, that her body would scream at my touch,
that she would be on the verge of a sexual explosion waiting
for me to culminate her longing; that her entire being would
be in a constant state of anticipation.
I told her how I would touch and kiss everywhere, told her
not to be afraid to satisfy every whim to please me, that
nothing would be taboo; that I would make her go slow
tasting me. I told her that by the time I entered her she'd
be beyond ready to come, the mere sensation of my entry
would be enough to make the walls of her rose shudder, my
whispering in and tonguing her ear; alternatively sucking
her and when I stuck my finger in her every part of her
would grip me and her rain would begin.
Before I'd send her to bed, I'd make of her a volcano, she
was so hot she'd have to satisfy herself before she could
sleep; she thought we'd do that together. She was fondling
herself while I talked to her, she was far too quiet, I'd
put a stop to that. Were Charlotte and I actually together,
I would have loved to share phone sex with her, it wasn't
going to happen; I told her to get to the business of
putting out the fire I'd started and said goodnight. If she
and I have sex before her surgery, it won't be because I
went to get her, it will be because she came to get some of
me and she'll leave the way she came; (honestly) I don't see
that happening.
What Charlotte fails to see is because she wasn't honest
with me, I don't trust her, I can't have a relationship with
her; I'd feel a need to use her now, because she used me. I
don't get down like that, I used to and I enjoyed it, that
was a long time ago and I was not the man I am today; I was
as despicable a character as Billy, if not worse. I don't
want to return to that, I would use her ruthlessly and
relentlessly, until there was nothing left and I'd walk away
from her; I don't want to do that, so I'll walk now. I don't
think Charlotte has had sex since she was last with me, I
didn't ask, I don't really care. I imagine she'll call again
on Sunday, she wants to be with me next weekend, I'm the
only one that she feels comfortable and safe enough to have
sex with; too bad for her. My plate is still empty!
I'd really wanted to watch the movies I rented last night, I
am not going to force any woman to compete with the memory
of Charlotte, she wants to make sure she's always on my
mind; I'd told her that I think of her everyday and that's
the truth. I'm not going to continue to allow her to
insinuate herself in my life at a whim, she'll be leaving
messages from now on, I considered turning the phone off;
I'll treat her as though she were a cigarette I don't need
to smoke.
It started raining so hard the drains backed up, water began
shooting out of the manhole covers, drivers were afraid they
wouldn't be able to make it through the flooded sections.
I'd listened to a group of Harley riders, they were bringing
donations to the Mission, in a torrential downpour;
apparently no one checked the weather.
Now to eat and watch one of those movies!




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