blkdragon

grounded
2008-06-07 22:13:31 (UTC)

Where's your Mother?

6/4--8:54PM--I took Charles to Faddegon's Nursery yesterday,
bought some herbs for the planters on the stairs, we talked;
he said he was doing landscaping with some guy that lived
next door to him. He asked for $5, every time he's near me
he hits me up, I didn't have any money on me and told him
so; we walked around the nursery. I had Charles pulling the
cart, telling him to watch where he was going, I told him
his lack of attention is the reason he hasn't learned to
drive my car; he would tell me that someone else would be
letting him use their car, I think not. We left Faddegon's,
on the way to Hollywood Videos, I told Charles that he and
people like him are the reason I don't carry money; he began
laughing. What I said was funny, but true, I would stop at
the bank and give him what he asked for; I took him home. He
enjoyed the music I played while we rode together, I decided
I'd make copies for him, I brought them to him later that
night and went to the supermarket.
I noticed a young man that reminded me of Joshua, that isn't
odd, lots of young men remind me of him; the man went to the
counter at the deli. I was also heading for the deli, there
was a woman there with a little girl, I didn't recognize her
at first; she finished her order and turned to continue
shopping. She looked at me and asked if she knew me from
somewhere, I told her she knew my Son, she immediately said
Joshua; she didn't know what to do after that. I took
Dominique into my arms, told her that the young man her
Daughter was playing with reminded me of Joshua, at that
very moment; she agreed.
We began shopping and talking, I hadn't seen her in 5 years
or longer, I'd find that her Daughter was 4 years old; this
was the Daughter she believed should have been my Granddaughter.
She wanted to give Joshua her new phone number, she asked me
to call him, apparently she knew his schedule better than I;
I called and he answered the phone. I told him someone
wanted to speak to him, she spoke to him for 10-15 minutes,
gave him her number and the phone back to me; I told him
that I'd been with his Brother earlier and that he should
call him.
6/5--12:30PM--Yesterday, Charles called to ask for money to
get to a new job, I asked what happened to the money I'd
given to him the day before; he said he used it for food. I
began questioning him, I don't trust Charles, I told him
years ago that if he's getting high he can't ask me for
money, even though he asked the day before and I gave it to
him. It's my call, he told me he used the money to eat the
night before, everything he said to me brought questions to
mind. He's telling himself that he shouldn't need to go
through this level of questioning for a couple of dollars,
I'm telling myself that I need to know exactly what he's
going to do with money I give to him; in hindsight, I don't!
Suffice to say, our talks disturbed me greatly, I redialed
the number; he was at a place of business. I asked to speak
to my Son, I told him that we needed to talk and I'd be at
his place later, he told me that he was able to get the
money he needed and would never ask for money from me again.
I said, "of course you won't," knowing full well that day
would come sooner than later. Charles doesn't understand
that he is the sole reason for the feelings I have regarding
him, I never wanted not to trust my Son, the lies and
disrespect have taken their toll; as I warned (both Sons)
would happen. He called me later that day, told me that I
didn't need to come to his place, that I'd been treating him
as though he lived in my house; I began questioning him again.
I wanted Charles to see what I see, I asked if his girl gets
foodstamps and cash assistance, he wanted to leave her out
of this scenario; that was impossible. So she gets stamps
and cash, the system is smart enough not to give everything
at once, two weeks and both adults were unable to manage the
available funds to keep from being in need; neither of them
understands the word moderation. Charles didn't want to hear
any of this, the truth is always a bitter pill to swallow
for those that refuse to use it, all he wanted me to know is
that he wouldn't ask for any more money; I was tired of this
endless nonsense and told him ok.
I found myself talking to myself aloud, Charles disturbs me
that much, so much I question my own motives when dealing
with him. I'd mentioned to him, the day before, that he's
been unemployed for 18 months; that he'd been gainfully
employed for 15 months in the last 6 years. No diploma,
can't keep a job, gets high and he can't see that his life
is becoming a sinkhole; he won't even wash himself
regularly. I realized that Charles was exhibiting junkie
behavior before he ever decided to get high. Kathy could
never be more than ghetto, she taught that to Charles, he
has no aspirations to be anything more than what he is. It's
possible to live in the ghetto, without being the prime
example of poverty and ignorance, lots of good people do it
daily.
6/7--12:41PM--I'm tormented by incessant graduation
processionals, this allows me to see an ebb and flow of
humanity I normally wouldn't see, it also gives birth to a
lot of negativity; I'm watching the ignorant and emotionally
diseased. How little we care for ourselves is reflected in
how little we care for our world, we pass that on to our
children, my Sons are good; caring people and I'm proud of
that fact. Even though Charles is battling personal demons,
he has the potential to be a great man, the bad thing is
that by the time we learn our lessons; there's very little
we can do about the situation. The most we can hope is to
pass those lessons learned to our children, they learn
enough to be able to handle the situation before it's too
late, the problem for me is I'll be gone before the tear in
God's Eye gets wet.
Cigarettes are about to go to $10pk in NY, as of Wednesday
it will be two months without smoking, I still want a
cigarette from time to time; I don't like the idea of
tobacco being in control of me. I don't like the idea of
anything or anyone being in control of me, I still find
myself wanting Charlotte as well. I'd sat down for breakfast
on Wednesday, another graduation passing my window, I
spotted an athletic little thing in a lovely blue mini-dress
heading for the theater. Bleached blond, in a hurry, with
legs that could probably kick a hole in wood; I noticed she
was trying hard to be pretty and sexy. What this did for me
was highlight the young lady's insecurity, as pretty as she
may have been, there was something about herself that she
didn't find attractive; I thought she was overcompensating.
The dress was pretty as hell, the bleached hair, apparently
she wasn't born blond; her body was slamming. She had a
powerful and distinctive walk, I couldn't help but wonder
what it was that she saw in herself that made her feel that
she was less than she should have been; I noticed the
discrepancy immediately. Here's another question, why can I
see this shit?
I skated Thursday night, I noticed Lisa talking with Mike
and Finnius, I said hello to Finnius; I didn't interrupt
Lisa and Mike. Lisa would wave to me later, I also noticed
Paula, the woman that used her contacts to try to get work
for me after the closing of Tech Valley; I waved to her. I
found myself saying hello to just about everyone that night!
I'd notice Lisa on the phone a lot, after Mike left, I'd
also notice her standing at the window so she could see her
car; guess it means a lot for her to have this Beemer. The
car isn't a current model, I'm hoping Lisa is enjoying the
engineering of the car, one of the best in the history of
automotives; as opposed to the status it implies.
I'd had an appointment at Probation earlier in the day, I
had cable at the apartment earlier, the technician finished
with enough time for me to be prompt for my appointment. I
sign in and the PO calls me, a woman, she asks what I have
in my mouth; it's a chewing stick to offset my oral
fixation. She tells me, "You're going to have to throw that
away," I tell her that I'll put it away; I'm not obligated
by the statutes of probation any longer. she should have
been aware of the fact that I'm no longer on probation,
before she decided to make any demands that I needn't honor.
She directs me to the booth we'll be using, makes the
observation that I'm here for the certificate interview,
asks why I'm applying; I have no idea why I'm sitting with
this woman stating the obvious. I tell her gainful
employment and higher education are the only reasons to
petition for the certification, she attempts to be glib and
comforting, she'd already stuck her foot in her mouth; we'd
already gone through who has the bigger dick, the only thing
left to her was not to swallow her foot. She hits me with a
battery of questions that I answer effortlessly, she asks
for the documents I was required to bring, she makes copies;
reminds me that I'll get a letter in the mail from the
Judge's office.
I leave the probation department, I have another appointment
in the city in 3 hours, I don't want to drive home; only to
return. I spot Lamere and his Mother (Geraldine) walking up
Central Avenue, I stop to say hello, the Dean comments on my
car and I tell them "later." I'm considering going to see
Dana, the therapist, I realize I don't have my checkbook and
I need to go home; I return to Schenectady and have a meal.
I leave for my appointment with the Dentist, as I wait in
the chair, I'm staring out the window at a bird feeder; I
then notice that the walls are painted in a pastel green.
I'd been reading, the author had surprised me, I found
myself pleased and began composing a piece of poetry. I also
notice that there are what appears to be three squares of
color on one wall, the "pages" are different colors and
there's a green-leafed branch, a twig with autumn colored
leaves and three sienna-colored geodesic designs. I think
the composition is impressive, also that it's the only thing
on any of the walls has captured my attention, keeping the
walls from being busy was a good idea; I found myself
enjoying a serious feeling of well-being. I found myself
enjoying the fact that I was alive, the Doctor would enter
the room and I told him that he has impressed me, he had no
idea what I was talking about; I told him about my overall
feeling and we began to talk about his practice.
I told him that I'd heard him laughing with his staff
earlier, he told me that he doesn't come to work, that when
you love what you do it ceases to be a job; he also told me
that he is blessed with the best staff ever. I know that he
was serious in his statement, his staff has been with him
for the last 30 years, new members outstanding; we got to
the exam.
He would comment on my returning, jokingly telling me not to
leave town this time, I reminded him that I'd just given him
$1200; I wasn't putting a stop on that check and they spaced
my appointments with enough time for the check to clear. I'm
sure the spacing of the appointments was his decision, to
ensure the check cleared before we begin working, I'd find
after making the appointments; the cost has risen by $900. I
mentioned this to the receptionist, inflation and a lack of
insurance, I told her not to worry; the increase is do-able.
I'm also certain that the good Doctor will give me leeway
for the 9, after getting the 24, he'll know I won't stiff
him for the remainder; it's usually my habit to pay for the
work before he begins. I neglected to tell him about the
seeming jaw slippage, next time, I'll make a note to self.
After Lisa and Finnius left, I continued skating, Sheridan
and Anne had arrived; Paula would stop and call to me. "I
need you," I immediately turned around to see what she
wanted, she threw her arms open, told me to give her a hug;
then proceeded to tell me what her problem was. I pulled out
my tools and went to work on her left truck, I tightened it
(even though I didn't have the proper socket for her skate)
and we got to talking, we touched on so many things; then we
went back onto the floor. I finished when I saw that
Sheridan was done, I thought we'd have coffee and talk a
bit, he and Anne had helped his Brother load a truck; his
Brother (and Mother) was supposed to be out of his Wife's
house on 6/5. Anne would tell me that they hadn't bothered
to shower, that Sheridan drenched himself moving the
furniture, that they both were going home to wash; they
thought they'd have to go back to Binghamton to finish the
move in the morning, how did Anne assist wearing a skirt?
I said goodnight and gathered my things to leave, it was
almost 9 anyway, I would put my things in my car and return
to say goodnight to Paula; we'd start another conversation
that would last until the parking lot began clearing out.
During our discussion, I'd mentioned an instance that
occurred to me, called the culprit a faggot; completely
ignoring the fact that Paula is a lesbian. She didn't
respond to my faux pas, I think she knows me well enough to
know that I meant no disrespect, before the night's end I'd
feel bad and I've been meaning to call her to apologize for
uttering what may have been a slur. I never think about
being politically correct, now I see that I may have to. It
also came to mind the way she got me to do what she wanted,
she said, "I need you;" I realize I didn't consider her need
for a moment, I responded without thought. I found that
interesting and plan to test the theory, get someone's
attention, tell them you need them and chances are they'll
respond without thought; I mentioned it to Luv (last night)
and told him that I couldn't wait to try it on him.
Paula and I have both had situations where road rage was
imminent, I mentioned my theory, what I've tried to teach my
Sons; anywhere you are should be a better place because you
were there. Paula told me that she feels the same, how she
cleaned her apartment before leaving, that you could eat off
the floor; how aggressively she drives and we've come to
know that we're very much alike. I think she's a phenomenal
woman.
I'd gotten a call from (my landlord) Paula, I was at the
Dentist's, she wanted me to know that the plumber was going
to be at the apartment by 4:30; I wasn't sure I could make
it and told her so. We'd waited for her "plumber" the night
before, 2 hours and a no-show, she called that guy because
he charged a third of what a real plumber would charge; my
opinion is the guy isn't worth whatever he's charging.
I got out of the chair and back home in time to meet her
plumber, he arrived before she did, I was on the phone with
Lynne when Paula did arrive; she had to leave and asked if I
could stay until the plumber was finished? I didn't mind
staying as long as the guy finished by 6, he finished by 7,
with my help; his assistant left half an hour earlier. I
found myself liking the guy, Mark, he liked me as well; when
he finished I told him that he could call if he needed any
help. I haven't seen Paula since 5pm Thursday, Mark assured
me she wasn't going to like her bill. Paula had gone to get
the screens she was supposed to have made for my apartment,
they don't fit and have no locking mechanisms, she's become
exasperating in her zeal to save money; I'm not even sure
she's Italian.
Paula's Mother was cremated, Paula moved into a new house
and her Mother is still at this address, her ashes are in a
beautiful jewelry box; the box is in my old apartment. Paula
made mention of the fact that her Mother is next door, I
wonder if she thought I'd leave her Mother where she was,
why would I want someone else's remains in my home;
especially someone that isn't related to me? I mentioned
this to Lynne, she was aghast, if that were my Mother and
I'd bought a house; nothing would enter my new home ahead of
my Mother.
I just spent the last two hours working on the bathroom,
what I thought was dirt in the shower was (in reality)
dirt/body oils and caulk; I see that caulk is Paula's best
friend. Paula has made a habit of hiding things, the
metallic fire escape has a hole that she's covered with a
piece of metal, the metal is covered with a rug and that is
covered with a large throw rug; when it rains I'll be
traipsing water in here. Paula makes a point to hide things
from herself and everyone else, I don't think I can trust
anyone that won't take care of themselves, you don't care
for yourself there is very little that you will actually
care for. If you make it a point to ignore yourself, you'll
ignore everything, that's what she's done; ignored
everything. I have to make a point to be out of here in the
next year.
I think my generation has witnessed so many technological
and social advances that they became upheavals, now we're so
punch-drunk, we don't know whether to shit or shut up.
I go to the rink last night, everything is fine, I spot a
couple of girls opening lockers and they stop when they get
to mine; I'd put my cell and Bluetooth in my bag. I went to
the lockers and asked the girls if they'd lost something,
they began stuttering, I stopped them with a word and told
them to go play; they decided to do something else entirely.
A group of children returned, no adult present, the
ringleader is a little Asian; she had to be much older than
the rest of the children because she would need a training
bra soon.
I didn't realize their appearance had to do with me, I did
notice the Asian paying undo attention, I looked up and
noticed that all the children were heading in my direction;
all little girls. I didn't wait for whatever they had in
mind, I went to hit the floor, as I made circuits around the
rink; the girls were on the railing trying to get my
attention. I thought they wanted to cross palms or
acknowledge my skills, boy was I wrong, they continued to
get me to stop and see what they wanted; I really didn't
care what they wanted. I saw them run into the concession
area, I exited the floor for the practice area, I then saw
the Asia girl bee-lining for me; I pulled the headphone from
my ear. She began accusing me of following two of her little
girl friends, I was flabbergasted, I told the girl that she
needed to get away from me; I stopped listening to whatever
she was saying and recall hearing her mention the police.
I'd had enough of this Lucy Liu wanna be, I began looking
for the rink owners, I found Charles and pointed the little
girl out to him, I told him what she was trying to say I'd
done. Charles conferred with his Father, I'd make it to the
area ahead of them, I'd seen an adult I needed to confront;
I asked the man if the girl belonged to him. I told the man
what the girl just said to me, she immediately began
attempting to explain, I told her and the man before me; if
she believed I'd done any of what she'd been told, she
should have found an adult to confront me. In saying this, I
touched the man's shoulder with my finger, I felt an
immediate physical response; as though something passed from
me to him that he didn't want. I made my point and went back
to what I was doing, Charles and Skip had arrived and I
didn't wait to find out what was being discussed, I'm sure
they explained to the "man" that I'm their best and most
frequent customer; I'm also sure they insisted that the
adults keep their children away from me, especially the
Asian terror.
I was now in the mood to kick some ass, I'd start with
little Lucy and then begin working on the Parents she's
never had, I'd like to give them the ass-whooping they
should have given her. I skated hard, trying to overcome my
anger, I returned to the floor and engaged speed; when I
returned to the practice area a couple of boys came to me.
I removed the headphone, they apologized for the behavior of
the little girl, I told them they had no reason to
apologize; it should have been the little girl. Apparently
the little girl's Parents weren't present, imagine that! The
man I'd touched may have been the Father of the two boys,
I'd noticed him and a woman at the entrance, they watched me
for the rest of my time there; I'd pass them on my way out
of the rink.
I'm curious how we got to a point where children believe
they can act as an adult's equal, who told this kid that it
was alright to approach an adult with righteous indignation?
Had I put my belongings out of reach, locked them, I
wouldn't have been concerned about the two girls opening the
lockers. I also find myself trying to instruct the skate
guard, the one Paula and I laughed about, they hire a skate
guard that constantly falls down. I show him how people are
skating in the opposite direction of the traffic, tell him
that if he doesn't mention it to the culprits, their
continued behavior could hurt them and everyone around them;
I'm of the opinion that the kid is "slow." I think the
owners have him there to appease their insurance company, as
long as someone is on the floor the skaters skate at their
own risk, if there is no guard the rink would be liable.
We'll try again tonight, I was supposed to go to Colleen's
yard sale, got busy in my bathroom; I also called HFH about
the availability of screens for the windows that are
without. The woman at HFH told me the percentage of my being
able to find screens that fit the windows I need are slim at
best, I wasn't about to drive 25 miles to find out.




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