As I find myself in a world where I have lost my
scholarship, I find myself deadened at every road I take,
alas after my little school nothing seems to compare and I
do not want to explore other options. I am a failure, a no
one. This weekend we had violist stay at our house. These
violinist have made it into a very prestigious music
program. I am a failure. I wanted to play like them and I
know I will never be able to, I have decided to put down my
violin - besides I will never be able to afford lessons
again anyway. My parents didn't think a three year old could
know what she wanted, but I did. I knew. I knew I wanted to
play. If I had started then I might have achieved my dream.
My parents don't think an 18 year old could possibly know
anything about marriage, but she does.. she is gonna do it,
and she will succeed, unlike her violin, or her grades.
You know, you hear that before a wedding you get tempted. My
temptations have been truly unique. Usually they are
sexually, but considering the fact that we won't see
eachother until our wedding in AUG. there isn't much hope
there. So instead I find myself being equally stupid in
other areas of my life. I find myself with little red lines
on my arms, remnants of sharp objects - no real damage
done.. But the thought has crossed my mind. So have much
graver and more serious thoughts as I realize I don't really
belong.. I mean, sure.. get married.. But then what? I
can't get into any good schools, I don't know what I want to
be, and I can't go back to the old school.
I am lost, and I feel worthless.. So instead what do I do, I
exercise a ton, and deny myself food... Heck if I can't
control what's going on in my life I might as well look
like I have something.
This is all cureable by a good nights sleep, but where can
I get one of those? I wake up at odd hours, and I get weird
dreams or nightmares every night.
I just learned a lot about Ryans past that I didn't know. I
realize that it is painful for him to talk about and he
fears I will judge him... but then again it still hurts,
murders, takes what little bit of a heart I have left and
twists it.. Why? He thinks I will judge him. He doesn't
trust me. I dont know why it hurts so bad but it does. I
have lost my ability to speak again. I am slowly becoming
more and more silent as it all gets harder and harder. So
while I am sitting here wallowing in my misery Ryan leaves
for the gym, Blind I tell you, blind.