Middle Child

Listen. Don't Speak.
2008-05-31 16:44:16 (UTC)

All Friday.

I had such a busy week. Even my friday was pretty busy. I
haven't napped all week and yesterday when I tried to nap
for a little bit, I couldn't.

I had to wake up early friday morning to go with my friend
to renew some documents. I wasn't able to go because I've
been feeling sick and tired the night before. I then went to
the counseling at my school to see a Therapist about my
anxiety. She told me that the most important thing I need to
do it accept it. I thought I already have, but I guess I
haven't. I told her that it's hard to accept something when
your friends can even accept it. I know it's stupid, but it
makes me think that I'm just being weak. She reassured me
that being anxious doesn't mean I'm weak, I have an illness
and I need to accept it even if my friends don't.

As we continued talking, she informed me that I need to see
a Psychiatrist so they can give me a proper diagnoses and
perhaps give me some temporary medication. It's not a
medication that I need to take for life, only until the
chemicals in my brain change and I'm able to control the

I've been doing some of my own research for the past few
weeks. I started to ask her some questions regarding alcohol
and whether or not anxiety is a genetic or an environmental
factor. She told that I can not drink coffee AND alcohol.
What a killer. My world almost came crashing down lol. I
knew that whenever I drank, I would feel anxious, but I
wasn't 100% sure if it was my anxiety kicking in. Indeed it
was. I told me friends I couldn't drink, but you know how
the pressure is when everyone is taking shots lol. As for
the genetic factor, it does play a role especially since I
get anxious out of nothing.

When I left the room I approached my friend and started to
cry. I couldn't believe it was true. I have a disorder. I
need to accept it. She's the only person I told about it. I
can't tell my parents and I can't tell my friends. At least
not yet. I'm scared to tell my mother because she'll think
I'm faking it and that it's all in my head. Maybe I should
remind her that their are people on her side with bi polar
and depression.

I don't want to tell anyone about it, because it's just not
me. I don't have a problem, but I do. It's effecting me too
much. By telling them what's wrong with me, I need to hear
it and it hurts. I break down in tears just hearing it. It's
bad enough I need to think about, but worse that I need to
hear myself explaining it.

Putting all that aside for a bit...

My boyfriend came over last night and we watched a movie. It
was such a good night. We watched The Notebook ( lol) and
cuddled AND it was raining hard with lighting and shit. IT
was so romantic! hahaha I love that kid. What made it an
even more prefect night was y parents. They didn't give me
shit about him being at the house. However, my mom did give
me shit (about 5 mins ago) because he left the house really
late. Actually, my mother keeps walking in and out of the
living asking me questions about last night.

She just asked me how old he is. OH SHIT. My boyfriend is
younger then me. he was born 1989 and I was born 1987. I was
born in january though, so I've always been older. He was
born in July, kind of late. But who gives a shit. He's very
mature for his age. If we were given an age according to our
maturity level, he would be at least 26. It's ok.

Anyways, I think I'm going to keep eating or go back to bed.

I'm going to dinner this evening for a friend's birthday,
then a club. Fuck. fuck. FUCK.