Middle Child

Listen. Don't Speak.
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2008-05-26 16:27:52 (UTC)

Mon. May 26

Good Afternoon!!!

It's such a beautiful day outside. I want to go job hunting
today, but I hate hate hate taking the subway. I wish their
were buses that went along the Bloor Line... but their isn't.

One of my good friend from elementary school is having a 3
day weekend party/get-togethers. I'm broke as fuck anndddd I
don't really want to go. I don't know why I'm like that with
her. When ever she wants to go out, I always cancel on her.
But I need to stop being so lazy and just go out, especially
since it's her birthday. I plan on attending her birthday
dinner, which is followed by a club. I wasn't really looking
forward to it, because it's going to be a bunch of girls
that I don't really know. Secondly, i'm not sure how I'm
getting home. Thirdly, I want my boyfriend to come, but he
can't. However, my buddy invited himself to come along
because I mentioned it was going to be all girls.

I didn't really ask my boyfriend to come with me because I
know he's not 21, lol. I'm just going to disappoint him if I
ask, so I didn't. I'm going to tell him that my buddy is
coming with me. If I know my boyfriend he won't be upset or
a bit concerned.

Why would I think that? Because I'm a scared little girl
who thinks people will change in a blink of an eye. My
boyfriend would be upset if he knew this... whatever.

I have 3 weeks left of summer school! I'm pretty fuckin
happy to say the least! Hopefully I get an A, I'm aiming
high! I'm glad I stayed in the 2 courses. The first week was
a bit intimidating, but I'm catching on.

I'm not sure what I want to do once the 3 weeks are over. I
would like to find a job while I'm in school, so I have
something to do once school is over. But I'm feeling a bit
unsure that I will find a job.

May 30th I have my appointment with a Therapist at my
university. Sometimes what I put a lot of thought into it I
get nervous and worried. I'm worried that the root of my
problem is my mother. I know she kind of fucked up while she
was raising me, but I don't think that has to do with
anything. Figuring out the root of my anxiety is very
difficult for me. I've always been really shy. I've always
thought people were looking at me and judging me. I always
feel like that people are so much smarter then me and that I
don't belong in university. But... that for my therapist
and I to discuss, lol.

I like my boyfriend a lot. I love him, but I'm not in love
with him. I love him because of the 2 years I've known him
and the 3 months we've been together. I'm kind of wondering
why he hasn't told his mother about me. He met my whole
family, lol (it happened accidentally) so why hasn't he told
his mother? Is it because his mother is in her own world
right now? Or that she hasn't been trusting him because
she's never home? Or that he's embarrassed to tell her that
his girlfriend is older then him? I don't understand. I
don't want to bring it up to him because honestly, it's not
a big deal. I'm not having a panic attack about it, I'm only
wondering. He's young, I know. He probably wants to tell
her about it when we've been dating for a bit. I understand
that too. Well... I haven't told my parents we're dating
either. But my parents aren't stupid.

My friend just decided to come with my to apply. YEEEEEEAH!
I have an hour to get ready and possibly make some lunch. I
should get my ass off this chair and clean up the place
before heading out.


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