Casinos and New Jobs
nothing is weirder than entering a casino if you're not a
gambloholic. there's something strangely intimidating yet
exciting when you first pass the security guard and ask for
the black jack table with the lowest minimum bet. it's also
even weirder when you're entering the casino on some odd
monday at 2 in the afternoon because you just had to rent a
car to retrieve your wife's wallet.
what type of people are in a casino run by indians? mostly
old people. i sat down at the $2 minimum table, next to an
elderly man who was quite huge, next to whom an elderly lady
sat, and further on down a severly obese (and i think
somewhat retarded) black guy was lounging with a cup of
coffee. the elderly man gruffly turned towards me and
"you're not a smoker are you?"
"good, i hate smoke. it kills."
so i cashed in $40. after about an hour i was down to $5.
3 o'clock. eh, i might as well throw in another $20. and
that's when i started winning.
and during my winning streak people came and left. the
elderly guy who had been next to me move away from me to the
other end of the table, apparently still not trusting that
my resolve not to smoke would hold up.
the odd thing was that almost everybody seemed to know
everybody else. the dealers knew the patrons and the
patrons knew each other. if it weren't for the huge wheel
that would light up and shout, WIN A FREE CAR!!! i would
imagine this was some local coffee shop.
and people were dropping benjamins like it was nothing. i'd
managed to cling on to $60 for close to 2 hours when i
finally turned my luck around.
the fat black guy at the end of the table kept on giggling
every time he got a card. it turned out he wasn't drinking
coffee but green tea and, every time he ordered it, he would
clear his throat and say, "green tea is good for you."
it was all going well and good. i was up $100 to $160 when
a guy settled next to me that was fucked up. now i don't
use the phrase 'stinking drunk' literally very often, but
this guy was literally 'stinking drunk'. he could barely
manage to creep his huge pudgy butt into the bar stool-like
chair. he grunted, eyed my stack, and threw down $2.
no joke. $2.
the dealer looked at him. looked concern for a second.
then shouted (as they were apparently obliged to) "change
for two dollars!"
the two dollars came out, and he put one down.
the dealer sighed visibly. poor lady. rebecca seemed so
nice, or mainly i thought this because she was perpetuating
my winning streak.
"sir, the minimum is $2."
"BUT I ONLY HAVE $2!"
he said in his outside voice. within a few seconds two pit
bosses were next to me and leaning in towards him.
"sir, first off, take out your headset," he had a bluetooth
head-thingy on, "secondly, please calm down and place the
minimum or we'll have to ask you to leave."
"i'm expecting some CALLS!" he damn near gasped the last word.
"then take them outside!"
he angrily placed his two chips down, "i will, soon, and I'M
NEVER COMING BACK!"
so aside from seeing old people blow their IRAs and pudgy
man wig out over $2 bets, i started my new job.
it seems pretty cool with one wrinkle. i am now working for
a rather large corporation.
i've never done this before. i've always just worked for
smaller law firms.
it's crazy the formalities that corporations must adhere to.
my first day was spent with the human resources director.
talk about your perfect stereotype. he spent most of the
time trying to be my best friend, which i found annoying
because i really just wnnated to learn about what i had to
do at my job.
he started talking about insider trader policies, codes of
conduct, and of cousre, the harrassment code.
"if someone harasses you," at this point i was a bit tired
of it all and for some reason i just imagined the 300 lb
lady who had just given me my bus pass grabbing my ass and
calling me a nice piece of meat, and i...snorted. well
hr man was a bit perplexed and then, stammered on. "just
report it to me, and i'll take care of it."
so then i spent the next three days like a blind calf
feeling his way around a corporation. it's weird. i'm now
in contact with at least 30 people that are perfect
stereotypes from the OFFICE. it's so weird. like the guy
who is my assistant acts like a gerbil on crack. he's
worked there for 3 years and feels like the slightest
misstep could cost him his job.
i asked him to copy some shit for me and he asked me the
following (no joke),
"sure, let's save paper."
"stapled or hole punched?"
"what type of paper?"
"like what density?"
i stared at him and he quickly took off.
i am also in a cubicle which is weird. i've only been in a
cubicle once before and to be honest, it's not as bad as i
imagined. i always thought of it as the mmost degrading
work environment, but to be honest, i don't mind it at all.
what i do mind is when an ass-pirate from accounts payable
will pop his head in whenever he so damn well pleases. i
guess that's the biggest advantage of an office.
the door. for some reason people view a cubicle as an open
invitation. it's at a point where i went to a lady in
marketing who actually had a sign on her cubicle saying,
"knock...i'm serious." hand-written.
"hi i'm nick, the new le-"
"what do you want?"
"um....i just need you to sign off on the substantive
portion of this work order."
"why do you think i sent it to you? don't you think that i
signed off when i sent it to you?"
"it's just that...well, there's a contradiction in the
statement of work."
she glared at me in a way that i was thinking of filing some
harassment suit, the look was a distinct, i'll kill you.
"i'll look at it again." she said in an eerily slow tone.
it's just crazy. people are just crazy. i guess i just
have a very small sample size of humanity, but are people
really this weird? do they laugh crazily about things that
aren't really that funny? do they giddily look forward to
company softball games? they act as paranoid as my asssitant?
i guess i have a while to find out.