Bruce Wayne

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2008-05-14 18:33:20 (UTC)

another long time gone

I wish I'd been better about posting in here... but I can
add that to the list of things I should do.

The rollercoaster continues. I'm in a new job with huge
potential and enjoying it ...for the most part. It's s new
product that appears to be best in class and a great story
to tell as far as sales pitches go. It's providing me a
great distraction and giving me something to sink my
teeth into.

In terms of life with Robyn...I'm absolutely clueless.
We've been going thru a pretty rough patch and despite my
best efforts to find out what the root of the problem is.
I find myself alone with my thoughts. for the last 6 mos
or so she had been saying she was "sad". I made several
attempts to find ut what she was sad about and she claimed
not to know.

In the midst of all this she was drinking to excess on a
very regular bassis. My questioning of this was; not
welcomed, appreciated, or barely noticed. We fought on
multiple occasions because I felt she shouldn't have
driven home. On one occasion she was out and called to
tell me she was on her way. She was obviously drunk,
slurring her speech. I told her to stay put cuz I would
come to get her. She said it was too late, she was on her
way home. Another night we got into a fight about her
driving after drinking and she got mad and left. She
stayed away all night and when she returned home in the
morning the first thing she said was that I didn't call.
The fact of the matter is that I begged her not to go...I
litterally begged her not to leave but when she angrilly
leaves I'm supposed to call her and beg her to come back.
She doesn't have the courtesy to call me to tell me she's
someplace safe. People started asking me what was going
on with her and I had no answers. I try to help her by
finding out what the issues are and she locks up and
refuses to give me anything to go on. I don't know if the
issue is us, her job, kyle, mid life....I have no clue and
she's resistant.

With all of that going on there have been all sorts of
things that have happened that, ordinarily wouldn't have
been a big deal, but under the current conditions they
seem very suspicious. Marks on her neck that look a bit
like hickeys. Dinner with Sue Shehan 2x in 2 weeks...when
months go by without even speaking to her. The 11pm call
on her cell to someone I don't know (wayne) and then text
messages from him at midnight on New Years Eve. Then
there's the body modification. The tattoo was one thing.
The piercings became an entirely different thing. I could
live with the nipple piercing. I don't mind it and it
looks nice...when I get to see them. Then she comes home
with a "Christina piercing". This is a fish hook type of
piercing that places two beads above the clit. She came
home with this unannounced and when I was surprised by it
she procede to tell me that it wasn't for me anyway...it
was for her. It felt like a "big fuck" you to me. Our
physical relationship has slowed to a trickle and she's
getting piercings is rather provocative places. It felt
like she was claiming her vagina..."this is not for you".
No sooner do I bring this up to herr than a few days later
she tells me she getting her clit pierced. Just in case I
didn't get the message the first time?!?!?

Just before Xmass I tried to get us in to see a therapist.
Apparently that's their busy season because I couldn't get
anyone to see us. Sometime after the New Year she found a
therapist to begin seeing for herself, who referred her on
to a Psychiatrist. The Psychiatrist perscribed her
Welbutrin after only one visit, along with a sleep aide. I
was stunned that a Dr. would get her on meds after 1
visit....seems inappropriate to me and I voiced that.
Apparently a big mistake...now I'm judging her. She
doesn't know anyone who would be more supportive of
theraputic treatment, or who knows more about it but the
default position when deciding my intentions is always the
most negative option. I get no benefit of the doubt.
Guilty till strenuously proven otherwise.

In the meantime I have initiated a number of conversations
with her about us. i have tried to pick my spots so these
can be pleasant and constructive conversations. This has
not been easy. The more I ask the less I know. She's been
in therapy for a couple months now so I thought I would
ask about it since she is volunteering no information. She
admitted to feeling like the medication is helping and
asked if I saw any difference and I said I had. The more
indepth the questions became the more evasive she became.
She has this notion that I am judgemental of her and all
she does. She claims this as the reason for not telling me
things. She is the only person I've ever known who would
say I'm judgemental. There are things that I am not happy
about...like her desire to have a motorcycle. I've
expressed my displeasure about this based on the fact
that I think she's going to kill herself. She is a very
impatiet and aggressive driver. With her weight loss she
is drunk after 3 glasses of wine. I fully expect that
initially she will be steadfast about not drinking when
riding the bike. I suspect that to be a temporary
condition.

So last thursday I initiated another conversation about
our status and basically left it feeling like the end is
near. The conversation was about her unhappiness about
where she is and where we are. I asked what was making
her unhappy about us and was told that I'm being passive
about us. I could not believe what I was hearing. The only
substantive conversations we've had have been initiated by
me. I've spent numerous nights with her drunk, trying to
negotiate a peacefull end to arguements where she says the
nastiest things only to have no recolection of them in the
morning. But I'm the one being passive.

I expressed concern about the things I see her doing and
how they are all "for her". This in of itself is fine ,
but this insistence that I know she is doing them for her
not us is concerning. I told her that I feel like she is
preparing for a life without me and she didn't deny it. I
told her that I always felt like while Kyle was in HS
there were things that we had to do to accomodate that. I
expected that when he graduated the focus would change
from him to us. It has changed, but to her...not us. I
asked if the was thinking of leaving me and got an evasive
answer. "I'm not going to say that I'm not thinking of
it" What the fuck does that mean. In all of this there is
no recognition of the difficulty this has posed for me.

I"m getting set to ask her to ask for a referral from her
therapist so we can see someone together. I want an
impartial party to hear me ask these questions so she has
to answer me in a straightforward honest manner. I'm
concerned that she is representing a version of the truth
to her therapist and coming to conclusions based on that
version of the truth.

I think part of my motivation for wanting to see a
therapist, at this point, is so I can get answers from her
so if/when we divorce I'll know why. I have seen her
deternmined to do things and attack those things
intensely. I don't see an ounce of that determination or
effort in mending this relationship. I feel like I heplped
her raise her child and now that he's close to being on
his own ...she done with me.


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