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I just can't do it. I can't.
This has all just been building and building for two
years. When I thought I couldn't get any lower, I was
proved wrong, and again, and again, and again.
The last thing I want to do is admit that I am just too
far down to function, but what else can I do?
I have no interest in living right now. I have tried many
things but they just end up blowing up in my face. I met
with a guy today to try to help find me a job, but soon
after I realized that there is no way in hell I can work
right now. No matter how brave of a face I wear. The only
thing keeping me afloat right now is my girlfriend who has
access to this diary. I love her to death, but I HATE the
kind of person I am becoming in front her. I loathe this
fucking bullshit I have become. It kills me that I am
continually thrusting this pathetic persona on to the one
person who gives me a reason to get out of bed in the
If I don't get help soon I don't see myself lasting much
longer. What I feel is that I am literally a shell of who
I was not 4 years ago. To me, I feel that everytime I talk
there is an air of dispair in my voice. I have good
moments, but they vanish before I have any time to enjoy
them and I end up feeling like useless, worthless, rotten,
shit, with no reedeming quality what-so-ever for the rest
of the day. It's so tiring and it's so debilatating.
That cat is out of the fucking bag. This is not a false
alarm. I wish that one of those ambulances driving by was
for me and it had the intention of taking me to a white,
steriliazed place with enough meds to melt this unbearable
I am so sorry. I want to be better.
The hardest submit ever.