Not re-stocking toilet paper should be a felony
i go through a little prelude before i actually take a shit.
it's almost a fugue if you will. the urge rises gradually
and right at the moment that i think that i can't possibly
crest any higher it returns to the state it began at and i
forget about it.
until the next crest.
until finally i realize that i really gotta take a shit and
a bolt through the 4th floor of the law library to the men's
the prelude essentially leaves me with very little time to
actually get my pants around my ankles and my ass on the
now i know that they have those little things that women use
to cover the toilet seat. but you see, in my sophomore year
i hugged a dorm toilet seat. literally. for four hours.
after having survived that ordeal without getting a j.r. or
herpes on my face, i've decided it's a bit ludicrous for me
to cover any seat (unless it's a nasty 7/11 one).
so anyhow, i raced into the first stall available. for some
reason the men's bathrooms are all kept at a chilling 63
degrees (i have no idea why), so your ass basically shrivels
up when it hits the seat. worse still, when you remove
yourself it's all warm and weird and makes a horrible
anyways. my perfectly formed anus hit the chilling ceramic
and i was set to go.
yet just as the first turd was crowning i turned to my right
and noticed with utter horror that there was no toilet paper!!!
i tried with all my might to keep my turd from coming out,
but it was hell bent. so i had no choice.
i felt the second one coming right after like my colon was a
crowded freeway exit. so i did all that i could. i
listened carefully to see if there was anyone else present
and, upon determining that i was actually alone in the
restroom i half-hiked up my pants and boxers and opened the
with my pants and boxers hanging around my upper thighs and
in a semi-squatting position i quickly shuffled forward.
but i mis-calibrated my ability to shuffle, i quickly
snagged myself on my pants and started (to my utter
unfathomable horror) to careen towards the white tiled wall
directly in front of me.
at that moment, as i was lurching forward uncontrollably an
image flew through my mind. it was of me. knocked the fuck
out cold, lying on the 4th floor law library floor, ass
erect, pants around my ankles.
i would not be found like that.
and with all my might i came to a screeching halt probably
tearing 6 ab muscles in the process.
upon halting my almost-decent into infamy i quickly hit
reverse and backed, ass first, into the second stall.
my ass hit the second seat just as the second turd decided
it would no longer wait.
i was almost afraid to look to the right.
phew. toilet paper.
so there i was thinking about all the ways i would kill
whoever the janitor was around here when i heard some
i knew that shuffling. it was the sound of someone who had
to hit a toilet seat before he filled his trousers with his
i heard the guy move into the first stall and i let out my
but as i let out the last portion,
"there's no toilet pa-" SPLAT! (i don't know how to
accurately describe the sound shit makes, but this sounded
like someone had turned on a faucet full force), "per."
next to me was, what could only be kindly described as,
i reiterated my warning.
"what...oh fuck. you gotta be shitting me."
"sorry, hey, here you can have one of my rolls."
that's when i really looked at the toilet paper dispenser.
it had a fucking lock on it! who the fuck steals toilet
paper? who the fuck steals toilet paper that feels like
broken glass on your ass?
so i offered wads.
the dude sounded so embarrased i felt so bad. after i
handed over three wads, which, by the way was really fucking
weird in and of itself, he sheepishly asked for another.
that's when i realize that my humor doesn't always translate
so well across stall walls.
"how about i just call the fire department and they turn the
hose on you?"
"here's some more dude."
i swear to god i deserve to be canonized for this shit.
seriously. make me a saint and be done with it, because i
don't think you can possibly find another instance in which
one person was in so much need, and another bridged an
awkward gap to come to his aid.