I drink Alone
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2008-05-07 21:10:53 (UTC)

I can feel you all around me.

This week so far has been fairly uneventful. It's just me
and the kids at home doing the usual things. It's a
struggle to keep the house straight and everything kept up
with Hayden tearing through the place like a tornado.

Good news, our dog is back. Yesterday afternoon I heard a
dog barking and got up to go check it out, I heard our
gate close but by the time I pulled the door open whoever
it was was gone. (John, I assume) I could smell cologne in
the air like someone had just been standing there but
there wasn't a car outside ora nything. I guess he parked
down the street a bit and walked the dog over then ran for
some reason. I don't know, what a dumbass.
I'm just glad lily is back, even tho she acted like she
hadn't been fed since she's been gone, and like she was
scared of everything. His dogs might of gotten hold of
her, he may of beat her, who knows. I just know I am not
going to allow that person in my house again.

Joe is still kind of quiet, I think he's still kind of
going over things in his own head. I'm pretty much over
it. I mean, it was humiliating at times (like when I was
locked out of the house in front of mom and all them) And
it brought the opinion of my family down of him. Mom kept
asking if I thought it was safe to go home, I told her
yes. I mean, I'm not an idiot, I know if Joe really wanted
to he could wreck my shit up pretty bad, but I'm not
scared of him. If something like that happened I'd be
giving him just as much hell and I damn well sure would
come back after he'd sobered up and fuck him up.
I'm not into people staying in abusive relationships even
emotionally abusive. But Joe only acts this way when he's
wasted out of his mind, I kept telling myself that this
wasnt "my joe" and things would go back to normal.
and of course, things did. But I don't know what to do
really, this can't keep happening. It's kind of few and
far between but what if that changes too?
The last time this shit happened was at his friend John
Michael's house, I remember that was so bad. I was 3
months pregnant and we were screaming at each other
outside this guys house, I kicked him too which isn't me.
I'm not a violent, angry person. But he knows just what
buttons to push to make me go insane. All I want to do is
hurt him like he's hurting me.
He said he wasn't going to drink again, but it's easy to
swear off something when you're still hungover.
There are no easy answers. I married him, I love him. But
I want my kids to always be safe and happy. When he's that
fucked up no one is safe. He doesn't know what he's doing.
If something were to happen to one of my kids it would be
my fault for not doing anything.