maybe it's the stress of exams or maybe it's just because
the song has won a long and drawn out war of attrition, but
i FUCKING LOVE "Our Country" by John Mellencamp. I first
heard this song about two years ago as it was played every
fucking commercial break for chevy during the football
season. well damn it! i love it now! i love the
beginning, what heart-felt soul!
"Well I can stand beside, ideals that I think are right!"
for some people their ideals involve 4 tacos instead of 3.
upon leaving jiu jitsu and still nervous as hell as my first
exam was in a few short hours, i decided to treat myself to
a calming chipotle burrito!
the first thing i noticed was that chipotle's prices had
gone up 5 cents. fuck that! but i was too hungry. another
thing i noticed (although it didn't matter to me as i never
buy them anyway) was that you now got 3 soft tacos instead
of the usual 4.
so i was at the point where the employee laboriously asks me
if i want hot or mild salsa (i always want both) and then
dejectedly points towards the sour cream and cheese
realizing that pantomiming is the bridge between all languages.
so just as i was about to respond-pantomime that i didn't
want to get ass-raped by the guac this guy came up all out
this dude was your typical white loser. you know the white
people that black people make fun of? this is the guy in
person. he was a middle-aged man, short in stature, a bit
pudgy, and with one of those "white person" voices that dave
furthermore, he was one of those people who have the god
awful audacity to wear an underarmor shirt over his pudge
along with ray-ban sunglasses. why do people who get winded
just tying their shoes buy underarmor gear? and why do they
were ray-ban glasses? isn't that sort of out of sorts?
so anyways, kobe bryant was really peeved as he felt
slighted, i think his own statements serve the best.
"i only got 3 soft tacos, i was supposed to get 4!"
now, normally i thought this would be resolved quickly. but
in the midst of the chipotle line was one of those
overweight geeks who always seems to be working at these
types of restaurants. the kind of geek who LOVES people
like this so that he can fuck with them.
his response was priceless.
simple and sweet.
"but i paid for 4!!!"
"no, you got what you paid for, which was 3."
at this point i kind of stepped back thinking that ray-ban
man would explode. instead his voice took a pitch that i
think only dogs can hear.
"DID YOU, OR DID YOU NOT JUST GIVE ME 3???"
i love it when people word their frustrations in
hypothetical academic terms, "am i, or am i not a loser who
wears underarmor at 1 pm in the middle of the damn day?"
"you did get 3, because that's how many we give now."
the dude was wigging out. the subprime mortgage, wife with
a pancake ass, and now this...no 4th taco.
"i want the taco that i paid for!!!"
"sir, right here, it says that we are now only serving 3
instead of 4...i'm sorry, but that's our new policy."
it's true, i noticed it myself upon arriving and i don't
even get the tacos!
"i want to speak to your manager."
the dreaded words.
"he's not in right now, but if you'd like, you can come back
at 4, which is when he comes in."
the dude was beyond busting, at this point, he actually took
off his ray-ban sunglasses,
"now you see here, i'm going to talk to your manager if you
have to call him right now."
"fine, just wait until i take care of these customers."
and with this he turned with a sing-song voice to the asian
ray-ban was freaking out, muttering to himself that this was
"unbelievable" and an "outrage."
so he was standing at the end of the line waiting for the
fat geek to get through the line of customers. of course it
was 1 and the line was out the door.
i couldn't resist. i had to sit down in the restaurant.
so i sat there eating my burrito and actually had to slow
down because i was close to done before there was even a
wiff of this guy getting to call the manager.
the best part was that fat geek behind the chipotle counter
was still talking to ray-ban. he actually said the
following which i KNOW isn't true,
"you see, we now only serve 3 tacos, but their circumference
is greater, so you actually get the same amount of food,"
and then quietly to himself, "it's a lot of food anyhow."
ray-ban wasn't having it, he snorted and crossed his arms.
what must have been about 5 mins later (i'm a fast eater)
the guy in the underarmor went back to the line realizing he
had fallen into the common trap of, "please wait for
he said something i couldn't hear and, with a roll of his
eyes went to the phone.
i watched fat geek dial a # wait a few seconds, then shrug
his shoulders and hand the phone to ray-ban man.
now THIS is the classic aversion technique! i knew exactly
what he was doing as i would use to do it when i pissed off
people at the pizza parlor i worked at. i'd tell him the
manager wasn't there, but that we could gladly call him.
i'd of course be the one making the call. only i'd call my
home phone or cell phone. once the machine played my name
and it got to the standard, "please leave a msg after the
beep," i'd make sure to hand it to the customer so that they
of course the customer would go off on the answering
machine, letting him know what was up.
works for everybody.
wonder if that's what this guy did. i raised my burrito to
there was no 4th taco forthcoming by the way.
this is oooooouuuuuuuurrrrrr cccccoooouuuuuunnnnnnnttrryy!!!