Getting Coffee shouldn't be this annoying
deciding to come out of my zombie-like study state i went
outside and opted to get some coffee. at first i turned the
corner and headed towars the usual starbuck fix, but, upon
rounding the corner and seeing the green sign, i thought to
myself, 'no, enough propping up the mega-corporations let's
go to a mom and pop store.'
fortunately, the area in which my law school is located is
replete with such shops. i chose one because it had the a
german name. syllogizing that, as i was austrian, i spoke
german, and hence i would love this new german coffee shop,
i immediately ran inside.
i was greeted with blasting machine music. i don't know
what the proper term for it really is. you know that
machine like sounding music that used to spew from germany
in teh mid-80s early 90s? well that's what was being played
at this "coffee shop."
but it wasn't even really a coffee shop. upon entering you
are faced with two options. 1. head straight forward to a
cramped line of booths or 2. move slightly to the left and
be faced with a bar.
i turned to the left and was practically standing right at
the bar. i waited for a good 2 minutes as the two people
who were apparently the bartenders decided it was more
pressing to finish their conversations with the retro-geek
block-shaped glasses wearing losers at the other end of the bar.
the bartender who finally decided to acknowledge my presence
sauntered over with a look of what i could only describe as
active distaste. she asked me what i dared to do in such a
fine establishment dressed as i was (in a non-retro-geek
way). i said that i would like a drip-coffee.
we don't have drip coffee, just and with a rhetorical
flourish that would have made shakespeare proud, she twisted
on her heels and vehemently pointed up towards the board.
i opted for a dollar latte.
"i'm going to have to let the foamer heat up."
i had no idea what exactly that meant so i just nodded
placidly and watched her walk to one of the booths.
i decided to sit down and noticed that, sitting in front of
me, was a large bottle of sparkling water with two shot
glasses next to it.
the bottle was open and had that cool condensation on its
side just beckoning me to reach my hand out to cleanse my
but i was skeptical. if i took some, does that mean i
bought the bottle? as far as i was concerned these morons
probably thoguht that bottle contained teh elixir of life
and woudl charge me $30.
i decided against the bottle and, instead, turned an ear
towards the two people talking next to me.
the one guy had weird dyed hair and the obligatory
block-shaped glasses. the other looked like the post-modern
deconstructionist era had sex with the cubist era to produce
the sack of shit sitting next to me.
thinking that i would be privy to an astounding conversation
predicated upon the complex intricacies of a socialized
governmental mandate on grain, i was somewhat surprised to
hear the following conversation.
"you know what fucking blows my mind?"
"those conveyer belts at airports...i mean, you know what i
mean? the ones that, like slide the discs and go around in
"i mean, how the fuck...no, WHO the fuck came up with that.
i mean who said, 'i'm going to make a conveyer belt that
goes around in circles and has sliding discs?'"
"dude, but don't forget the walking escalators. you know,
the walking platforms that move? that's just genius."
i sat there debatng on whether i wanted to break the $30
elixir water bottle over this guys head when i was accosted
by the second barkeep.
"what you want?"
"i'm waiting for my latte."
"are you ordering something to drink."
"no," at this point i could tell he was really exasperated
by me, "are you ordering anything from the bar?"
considering that hte latte machine was heating up (for over
5 minutes at this point) right next to him, i thought i had
answered that question.
"if you're not going to order any alcohol, please don't sit
at the bar."
now, normally, i would have jumped the bar and choked this
motheer fucker out, but, in my tired and somewhat listless
zombie like state thanks to all the studying, i complacently
got up off the chair and moved 5 inches to the left.
so now i was standing directly next to the chair i was just
sitting on, maybe 7 inches further from the bar (as a
metallic bar that was apparently a part of the ambiance was
keeping me from moving further back).
the second barkeep, apparently satisfied with my removal
from the bar went back to his prior conversation. i watched
the latte machine warm up. fuck! how much longer am i
going to have to wait in this post-modern germanian
i finally decided to force my way over to the lady in charge
of the lattee machine.
i pushed my way past many an aspiring socialist and finally
got the the lady in knee high dominatrix boats in charge of
"is the machine warmed up?"
"the latte, i would like my latte."
she rolled her eyes, emphathetically pushed herself up off
of the table occupied by two women who looked like they were
literally constructed out of shiny metallic objections (each
had dog collars and spiked jackets on) and moved over to the
30 seconds later i had my latte. fuck was that so hard? so
she gives it to me in what can only be described as a sorry
excuse for a paper cup. hot as hell i couldn't even pick it
"do you have a second cup or a sleeve?"
i craned my neck around the latte machine to see if she was
telling the truth about the lack of a second cup or was only
trying to save the environment...she was telling the truth.
so i had to stand 7 inches from the bar for another 5
minutes until the coffee cooled to a point where i woudl
pick it up and leave.
next time, it's corporate coffee.
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