All that is
im so up and down right now its unbelievable. I feel like
a semi-pubecent teenager overwhelmed by her emotions.
whats funny is when i was that age - 14 or so, i wasnt so
over-emotional as i am now. Like im literally up for 5
mins and im about to cry the next. always been a late
bloomer i guess, haha. or maybe is my surroundings - the
environment im livin in at the moment, when i was that age
i wasnt exposed to it so i had no idea of what my
reactions could be... dunno. Either way, i seriously need
some happy pills. they say banana is an anti-depressant. i
should just carry a stack of bananas around with me. In
case i get a sudden bout of melancholy. It definately has
something to do with fiona. And our tutor group. possibly
luke in particular. i dont know why. i mean i do, but i
dont want it to be so. I know he has an inkling, and i
dont like the way i'm treated. it really upsets me. and i
use every opportunity i get to blank the bitch. He's like
the typical example of peoples' attitude towards me. I
actually hate him sometimes, today in the workshop i found
myself saying to him "Luke, go fuck yourself if you must,
but you're not that wonderful. Really" this was said
inside my head of course. Even amartey. i dont like the
atmosphere the carry. the yr hasnt gone as expected at all
i dont think. I feel so down all the fucking time. I think
its because of the lack of real attachment and so much
disconnection - in such a place as csm, the level of
competition is so high and so varied that its often easy
to become overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy. eye
opener i guess. nothing i was ready for. i was so used to
being the top. the best. and thank god for mr willison. my
confidence in my artistic abilities were so strong once.
but now its so elusive. i feel like im neither here nor
there. I'm not likin people too much at the moment. I used
to thnk i was an easy person to get on with..and i am in
the technical sense but i'm really not. not that i'm
argumentative or opinionated or any of those things which
make u difficult person, but there isnt actually someone
there who's company i like much better than my own. for
example i had a spur of the moment thought to go and find
lucia. and i did, she was in her classroom, but i changed
my mind immediately. luckily she had her back turned and
so didnt see me and i made a quick exit.
i thought csm would make me happier, but honestly, i dont
feel any different to how i felt this time last yr. next
yr should be better... what is it i keep doing wrong?
Today, Juan pablo (who is a complete sex god in real life)
Oleg and some other dude named howard (all in the drama
dept. were outside playing footy. (OMG, fucking hot) and i
was so strung up and anxious that i didnt even get to
enjoy such a rare occurance let alone take good
advantages. the scene was perfect too. they were smoking.
i could have asked for a light!! gosh.
anywho. for the record, Juan pablo is a fuckin sex-god.
i've gone ghost on everyone this week. i have to reply