blkdragon

grounded
2008-04-25 17:53:44 (UTC)

Responsibilities and liberties

4/25--8:33AM--Ran into Sheridan and Anne in the parking
lot of the rink, he was early, they were planning to ride
bikes after Sheridan skated; he joked about having to be
early to compete with me. I didn't know we were competing,
at the end of the night he suggested my doing some work at
his property to repay what he's given to me, I thought
that a good idea; we'll be working out the cost concerns.
He told me that he didn't expect the money to be returned
to him, he knew that I'd return it, he quoted what he
believed he'd given me and it was $80 short of the total.
I don't believe Sheridan would be so lax as to not keep
track of the money he spends, I'm not lax in keeping track
of what people do for me and I'd never consider not
repaying my debts, I'm also waiting for Paula to let me
know when we'll start on her place; the last thing I want
is to have someone standing over my shoulder at Paula's
place, that would cause me to reconsider doing the work.
As far as the CNA training, I'm realizing how difficult it
would be for me, not for the reasons hinted at by those
that doubt me; my empathy would be hard to manage. It has
nothing to do with my ability to be patient, I'd be
feeling everything my charges would be feeling, their
despair/fear/confusion and I'm not sure I'd be able to
help them.
David made it to the rink just before closing, a Chinese
woman has been doing the exact same thing, I'd first seen
her with her Son; last Sunday. The woman came in late on
Tuesday night! David is ridiculous, when he notices
someone watching me, he'll skate close enough to me for
the watcher to notice him; he thinks he can divert their
attention. David's not watched because he wants to be,
he's inflexible and it shows in his style, he only moves
from the thigh down; most skaters only move from the waist
down.
I stopped at Stewarts for Sherbet last night, I ran into
Pelham, he was heading to Colonie; I drove him to the bus
stop and we talked for a while. A bus arrived to unload
passengers, a woman and her Daughter got off, she was
looking to light her cigarette; eventually she'd come to
my car. Pelham noticed the woman coming to the car and
asked if I knew her, I knew her as much as he did, not at
all. I lowered the window, she asked for a light, I told
her that I had none; she was loaded on something, perhaps
a few things. She would mention how much she was starting
to hate Schenectady, who really cared what she was hating?
The Daughter would tell her Mother she was tired, what
happened next was rather shocking to both Pelham and
myself, the woman called the little girl a nigger;
pronouncing the term as though she were black herself and
had been using it all her life. "Nigga, shut the fuk up!"
The girl might have been 8, we were so astounded, we
couldn't move; the woman went to another vehicle to ask
for a light, the Daughter dutifully following. Everything
the girl owned was probably contained in the bookbag on
her back, Pelham began expounding on the problems the
woman was obviously having, I could care less. All that
woman needed to do was verbally abuse that little girl in
my presence again, I was going to exit my car and revoke
her ghetto pass in a hurry, I'd probably dial 911 to allow
the protect and serve guys to do their thing; I find
myself hoping to run into that woman again, soon!
I've got calls to make this morning, the probation
department, the attorney, the college offering the tech
program and I realize I'll need to eventually make a call
to Charlotte as well. I'm under a good deal of stress,
it's manifesting itself by way of the herpes, it reacts to
my stress levels and I'm experiencing a serious outbreak;
it's like miniscule volcanic eruptions occurring on my
skin. I'll wake and notice scaling on an area of skin, or
what appears to be a boil, the irritation causes me to
scratch and that merely makes things worse. I'm
experiencing eruptions on my face and both shoulders, I
didn't acknowledge Charlotte's description because I
always considered a boil to be larger and pustulous, the
encrustation is usually the depth of a single epidermal
layer; it's irritating because one expects skin to be
smooth and not feel chitinous. Removing the encrustation
merely exposes the eruption and encrustation reoccurs,
eventually the outbreak subsides, once the stress levels
are reduced.
Prior outbreaks haven't been like this one, my stress
levels were never this high, not even when I caught my
hand in the press, the incidents were few and far between.
I need to close the door between us, she won't close it
and it doesn't help me for her to keep it open, I'll tell
her that I won't be her fantasy; if that's all she can
offer me it's not enough! I'll let her know that I'll
always love her, we weren't done but we need to be, if she
loves me she'll need to let go! I did find a number for
her, I think it's her home#, I'll go into my yahoo address
book and I'm sure I'll find her cell#; if I don't hear
from her before her birthday, I'll call her. I'll let her
know that there's too much stress involved in relating to
her, I don't want to deal with it. I'd like to believe
that I'm not angry, I am, some part of me is seething and
I have to acknowledge that; I don't have to allow it to
control my actions. I'm not angry with Charlotte, I made
the choice to do this dance with her, if I'm angry with
anyone; it's with myself.
I left a message with the Chairperson at Hudson Valley, I
called the court clerk, I need to fax my address and
they'll send the appropriate application to me; I'll need
to get it notarized and return it to the court. The judge
will then do an investigation and make a decision, I'll
get the certificate and include it with any and all
applications. I called the attorneys, the ineptitude of
the staff is astounding, I referred Laurie to a particular
letter located within the file she sent; she told me that
she didn't have the file before her. If the letter I'd
received from them is current business, why wouldn't the
office manager have instant access to that file; she would
go on to tell me that we should wait for the doctor to
return his percentages. Every current case should be
referenced in a database, all she should ever need do is
request the file on her computer, every document should be
scanned and entered into the system; as opposed to
continuing a physical file alone. She told me that once we
have the most recent slu percentages, the attorney will
prioritize the reopening of this case for finalization, my
problem was with the slu percentages then, that's what the
award should have been based upon; this means I'll be
coming up short and why?
I'll have to speak with Laurie (the office manager) to let
her know that we are not familiar, business etiquette
would suggest a formality be observed, she doesn't know me
well enough to call me by my given name. When she and I
meet, I will ask if we'd ever shared a meal or a bed, if
so; she can call me whatever she likes, if not Mr. McCloud
will do!
I need to find a place where I can harmonize with the
world, a place of temporal serenity, I'll be going to
Central Park in Schenectady to see if that place exists
within it's boundaries. I'll also need to get pedals for
the bike so I can ride to the park, instead of driving
there. I'll be doing some editing today, perhaps more work
on the current scene, I've been thinking about Bea; got to
give that some rest, I've also been wanting a cigarette!
The County has sent a letter requesting payment, I wish
them luck, should I have to request a hearing; the worker
will have to explain how she computed the payment
agreement after she had me sign the form. My signature
fell on page three, I never saw pages one or two!
Time to give the people at One Stop someone to talk about,
personally, I'd read a book before engaging in gossip that
highlights my insecurity. Just got a call from the
attorney's office, a paralegal making sure I remembered my
hearing appointment, asking if I'd be attending; imagine
allowing the attorney to handle my affair in absentia,
shuddering at the thought.




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