All that is
God, and the work i had to do to get there. I basically
orchestrated the whole thing. our first conversation, our
friendship, our communication, his asking me out, even his
suggestions, EVERYTHING. I had a major part to play in it.
like a fucking puppeteer. I knew what was gonna happen even
before it did because i made it happen. i set it up so it
was on the fuckin cards all i had to do was wait for the
right time to play it. everything worked according to plan.
god, manipulation. i do it well. how clever am i.
and yet. it can feel empowering but also sad. disconnected.
yes, i'm getting, or i got what i want, but it wasn't even
real was it? how can it be if his actions were subtly
prompted by me somehow? and this, now, is the result. like
edie haha. was our romance superficial? the answer to that
is yes. a tad. slightly. the lust was real, hell yes but
the drive was artificial..is that correct? its sad because
real romance isn't prompted or anticipated, and created.
ha. it just happens. I've become good at knowing what to
say to get what i want out of some1. i dont know why. i
think its from being an observer, an onlooker at rms for so
fucking long, ( i even suspect sometimes that i lost my
personality there somewher along the line...) and so you
see what makes people go. its sad a little. sometimes i
question, like im doing now, if im being myself. or why
cant i be myself? or just 'use myself' iin the same way i
use this 'alter ego' to get what i want. but maybe this is
who i am. and i'm just settling into it. so its kinda
overwhelming at this stage. but in the next two yrs or so,
would i have grown into myself? But you need people around
you to be able to define your personality, to be able to
know what you yourself are like... gotta say, havent had
people around for a while. not constantly. not like it was
back at junior/mid at rms... back then i had a personality.
but now i always feel like im tryin to walk in some1 elses
shoes. Is that the problem. do i want to be somethin im
not, or somehthing that just doesnt suit me as a whole. u
feel outta place. some times, always have done actually. i
wonder if there are actual peeps like - or is everybody
like that - where its like wherever you go or whoever you
are with, you always feel displaced. like you can remove
yourself from the situation, stand back and take a look and
say: "This is me. And look at these people.." I look at
them and they all seem so involved, engrossed in whatever
it is they are doing. they never seem to stop and stare a
bit. but maybe thats the problem with me. I'm such a
dreamer. ha but maybe its a gift - maybe i'll realise that
in some yrs to come, and then do something fabulous and
creative and dreamlike with it.haha. there doesnt seem to
be anyone else like that. everybody else is inside the box.
or maybe they're not and they feel exactly the same way and
think that i'm inside the 'box'. i dunno. the only other
person who i suspect is like myself is daniel. daniel
christensen. norwegian dude. so graceful, so elegant. like
the way he moves. slowly, but purposefully. with intent. he
rarely speaks unless spoken to, and has his own reasons.
whatever they may be. such an air of dignity about him. he
too is usually by himself. infact he's barely seen with
another person, except recently when i saw him with jack -
they were presenting something together. he comes on his
own, does his thing and does it well. he's admired for his
work, and then he leaves by himself. like he has somewhere
important to be. non of that lingering about after class or
walking together to the tube or shit. and with the way in
which he does it, no one can call him a loner. because he
chooses to be like that. that's who he is. he'll speak when
he pleases, and when he does, people listen as its a rare a
occurance lol. im drawn to that. not in a romantic way.
theres this quiet strength which he has about him. and i
think i'm drawn to him and am in awe of him because i see
something of myself in him. we would we great friends. in
another lifetime tho. i hear he's engaged to his french
girlfriend. and at such a young age aswell. that's another
draw, i think. the mystery. to be 19, actually just turned
20 and be engaged is mad love. and to know that he's
capable of that kinda depth proves what i mean about him.
he's quiet but there's a flippin volcano under the surface.
I see myself in him.