All that is
There's nothing better than that feeling which gradually
emerges - the slow realisation that you're Actually getting
over some1. I called today and didnt kick (to hard) myself
afterwards for not suggesting a meeting.. My 'missing
passport' was the excuse - and a bloody good one too i'd
say, despite our last (and first) 'meeting' being over a
month ago. He sounded surprised and awkward (well it was an
awkward call - i'd imagine - for him that is) some for me,
but for him mostly. Well he would be rite? - you get with
some1 and then you ignore them as if they fell of the face
of the earth and then dont reply (we both know) and thats
it. easy fuckin peasy. you think you've rid yourself of
another conquest [that not being me - dude's lucky if i
take my socks off next time) - LESSON LEARNED MISSY - never
again. He asked how 'i had been at uni' and 'stuff' I
replied, keeping it soley about work, no partying
or 'suggestions' that i had an exhibition in a few weeks
which i was preparing for. then I returned his question,
asking after his well-being, to which he replied along the
same lines - "...exams coming up soon...been revising..."
Well played. Then awkward silence - at which i was tempted
several times to fill with, something i've come to learn,
is rather typical of myself - something along the lines
of "so what happened...you never..." OR "...do you wanna do
something sometime..."(and punctuated with pauses
and 'likes' and uncertainty and more pauses with giggles to
fill them in).
I resisted these urges and instead asked if he went
to 'that festival in camden' (the infamous camden crawl of
course but i was careful not to reveal that i knew he had
gone - as if i didnt know he had) mate, i fuckin WAITED for
the pics to come up. silly me.
He said he went and it was 'awesome' and 'a load of his
mate came dwn from exeter' I've gotta say, I did feel a
kinda of warmth and familiarity when he mentioned this,
that he mentioned exeter and his mates back home - as if he
expected me to know that level of his personal life, was
heartening if only for a second.
And all the time we talked there was the strange
reassurance of his uncertainty,(how silly he must have felt
haha - oh yes and i feel like some kind of redemption has
been claimed, on my part) and the underlying (but unspoken)
knowledge which we both shared of what happened between us
of our familiarity with one another.
the reason i decided to call so promptly after my 'plan'?
usually i contemplate for days maybe even weeks - maybe i
felt he 'owed me some kind of...i dunno what i felt he owed
me actually...but i felt indignant and when you feel
indignant u feel like you are owed SOMETHING - quite what
it is, i dunno. But the 'thing' is from him, whatever it
is. He's in debt. to me. emotionally. and i guess i wanted
to hear his voice (subconciously) so that i could...shit i
dunno. i'm not sure what exactly i was looking for by
calling him, but i do know that feeling his slight
discomfort on the other end and hearing his voice and the
underlying familiarity made me feel good and on top of it.
I was in control of the situation. Even though my underarms
got considerably sweaty (and i didnt realize this untill
after the call), I congratulate myself for my
nonchalance.haha and my redemption (which i will no doubt,
soon be ready throw away again at the sight of an
enchanting smile directed my way, or a lingering glance or
the senstaion of parted lips.
Hearing his awkwardness and feeling it too - or should i
say then, sharing a ceratin awkwardness - this awkwardness
being the result of something that we both shared, felt
strangely comforting, consoling, gratifying. The fact that
there was awkwardness kinda meant that what happened does
have an effect on him also, even though its effect on him
was of this sort. it happened. and he acknowledges that it
happened. that even though no communication has been made
till now, he knows that what he did or is doing, IS
something to feel awkward and embarrassed about. It gave
that incident some kind of meaning and life of its own,
that wasn't apparant before.
Ok, so i say 'i'm over him' or 'i'm getting over him' but
does the fact that I literally know, word for word our
whole conversation suggest otherwise? I'm reading so much
meaning into something that was nothing but a 'bit of fun' -
but that's me. over-sensitive emotionalist. emotionally
over-driven. Irrational. so does it suggest that i'm
actually not over this chap - that i'm a socio-path in
search of something else? not love. too cliche. well hell,
why not love? - love is the underlying force behind
everything we do afterall, i believe. It is. I'm searching
for connection. yup.
So as of now, my passport lies safely tucked inside my
the main reason i thought of him so much today is i dreamt
of him last night. I didnt expect to either, i mean i had
given up (i think it might have something to do with julian
mcmahon of nip/tuck last night - he did remind me ALOT of
Elton) - so he was the first thing on my mind this morning.
The dream was sweet. We were with some of his mates from
the crawl, they were telling me what it was that i did
wrong. I was listening and was sad a tad coz i thought i
wouldnt get another chance. But somewhere along the line we
werew holding hands and walking around furiously kissing.
then we start looking for a place to handle our bizz and
wer enter a cubicle inside a toilet. unfortunately for me
me, and much to my annoyance, the set of cubicles are
inside a girls' changing room and so people keep on opening
the door and we dont get a chance to make out like we want.
we move into another cubicle and the same thing
happens...this time he's sat on top of the toilet and i'm
straddling him like i did that time (in the same black
jeans that which i wore) and we're kissing and then i'm
awoken by the sound of the cow fiona entering my room and
asking "why do you barricade the door - is it because of
the cats?" - i wonder why the stupid cow wont just keep her
fucking coats inside her own fuckin room - shit, its big
enough rite? she uses it as an excuse to enter my room. the
Anyways, honestly, and really honestly, if i saw elton
tomoro, and he tried to kiss me again i wonder if i would
resist. or succumb. I think the latter is more likely. he's
just so gorgeous and right now i'm just so emotionally
starved. i think i use physical closeness to compensate for
something more..a more profound connection. Hell its there,
and its for the taking. why not? really i dont mind, but
it's just the after-taste sucks if you dont get what u
want. but yep i'd deffo do it again. god. i'm thinking of
it now, - we see eachother at one of those roughill staff
get2gethas/meeting/lunches, and we cross eachother
downstairs and literally grab eachother. god our chemistry
was so HOT. we were hot for eachother totally. thas what
puzzles me. how you(men especially)can be so hot for you
and then turn it off. but from what i've gathered, the
dude's got good self control - he was 'cleaning his room'
when i rang lol and the morning after, he had to get up at
8 as he was leaving for exeter at 10 - and 8 o'clock he
did.ha.(not before one more of course and a shower heh) but
how you can do that, i dunno. its true what they say about
boys - once the physical thrill dissipates any interest in
you begins to wane. Or disappear completely. And Elton's a
typical lad i guess. thats the shame i guess. but u cant
always have it both ways. Elton as a boyfriend? nah. i'd
get frustrated trying to get anything
outta him emotionally. theres like a wall there. i felt it.
but i didnt broach it. he was very guarded. and i wanted
in. I still do. i want him to open up. I asked about his
parents and if he misses them living while living in London
and he said yeh. I asked if he was close to them and he
said yeh. and then i asked if BOTH his parents lived in
exeter. and 'yeh' was the answer once again. Monosyllabic.
Hiding something. and i know what. His got 'a past' and
he's trying to come away from it. He was born a chav i
reckon, into a not so privileged background...(he moved
around foster homes too) and is
desperately trying to leave it. In both his dress sense and
his taste in music, but i saw them in his mannerisms and
dialect sometimes. I may me very wrong.
I wanna say:
"Wow, you're not as mature as i thought you might
be...Elton, when you get with someone, whether or not you
sleep with them and whether or not your intentions were
honest, ask after them afterwards, at least be a gentleman
and call to find out if they got home alright - its only
common curtesy (with a wry smile of course). ignoring them
is just plain childishness -
it shows you can't handle your business.
Just a piece of friendly advice for future reference..."
God, and the work i had to do to get there. I basically
orchestrated the whole thing. our first conversation, our
friendship, our communication, his asking me out, even his
suggestions, EVERYTHING. I had a major part to play in it.
like a fucking puppeteer. I knew what was gonna happen even
before it did because i made it happen. i set it up so it
was on the fuckin cards all i had to do was wait for the
right time to play it. everything worked according to plan.
god, manipulation. i do it well. how clever am i.
and yet. it can feel empowering but also sad. disconnected.
yes, i'm getting, or i got what i want, but it wasn't even
real was it? how can it be if his actions were subtly
prompted by me somehow? and this, now, is the result. like
edie haha. was our romance superficial? the answer to that
is yes. a tad. slightly. the lust was real, hell yes but
the drive was artificial..is that correct? its sad because
real romance isn't prompted or anticipated, and created.
ha. it just happens. I've become good at knowing what to
say to get what i want out of some1. i dont know why. i
think its from being an observer, an onlooker at rms for so
fucking long, ( i even suspect sometimes that i lost my
personality there somewher along the line...) and so you
see what makes people go. its sad a little. sometimes i
question, like im doing now, if im being myself. or why
cant i be myself? or just 'use myself' iin the same way i
use this 'alter ego' to get what i want. but maybe this is
who i am. and i'm just settling into it. so its kinda
overwhelming at this stage. but in the next two yrs or so,
would i have grown into myself? But you need people around
you to be able to define your personality, to be able to
know what you yourself are like... gotta say, havent had
people around for a while. not constantly. not like it was
back at junior/mid at rms... back then i had a personality.
but now i always feel like im tryin to walk in some1 elses
shoes. Is that the problem. do i want to be somethin im
not, or somehthing that just doesnt suit me as a whole. u
feel outta place. some times, always have done actually. i
wonder if there are actual peeps like - or is everybody
like that - where its like wherever you go or whoever you
are with, you always feel displaced. like you can remove
yourself from the situation, stand back and take a look and
say: "This is me. And look at these people.." I look at
them and they all seem so involved, engrossed in whatever
it is they are doing. they never seem to stop and stare a
bit. but maybe thats the problem with me. I'm such a
dreamer. ha but maybe its a gift - maybe i'll realise that
in some yrs to come, and then do something fabulous and
creative and dreamlike with it.haha. there doesnt seem to
be anyone else like that. everybody else is inside the box.
or maybe they're not and they feel exactly the same way and
think that i'm inside the 'box'. i dunno. the only other
person who i suspect is like myself is daniel. daniel
christensen. norwegian dude. so graceful, so elegant. like
the way he moves. slowly, but purposefully. with intent. he
rarely speaks unless spoken to, and has his own reasons.
whatever they may be. such an air of dignity about him. he
too is usually by himself. infact he's barely seen with
another person, except recently when i saw him with jack -
they were presenting something together. he comes on his
own, does his thing and does it well. he's admired for his
work, and then he leaves by himself. like he has somewhere
important to be. non of that lingering about after class or
walking together to the tube or shit. and with the way in
which he does it, no one can call him a loner. because he
chooses to be like that. that's who he is. he'll speak when
he pleases, and when he does, people listen as its a rare a
occurance lol. im drawn to that. not in a romantic way.
theres this quiet strength which he has about him. and i
think i'm drawn to him and am in awe of him because i see
something of myself in him. we would we great friends. in
another lifetime tho. i hear he's engaged to his french
girlfriend. and at such a young age aswell. that's another
draw, i think. the mystery. to be 19, actually just turned
20 and be engaged is mad love. and to know that he's
capable of that kinda depth proves what i mean about him.
he's quiet but there's a flippin volcano under the surface.
I see myself in him.