How can that Son of a Bitch not like me?
it's a weird thing, that first time we realize that we may
not be as universally revered and loved as our mothers tell
us we are. that first flash of truth; that first glimpse
into the backroom of ill intentions and names-called leads
us down a spiral of self-doubt and sometimes even outright
i remember the first time i was told that someone didn't
like me. it was the new boyfriend of a female friend of
mine. he apparently thought that i was a threat or
something along those lines and had a few choice things to
say about me. it was weird, realizing that i wasn't liked
by someone. i mean come on, except for the deeply neurotic
we all tend to think that we are universally loved. or if
not loved, at least held in a neutral compartment in
everyone's mental model of who we are. a few years after
that i happened to overhear some acquaintances of mine
saying something that wasn't too flattering although wasn't
earth-shattering. they said that they thought i was a bit
too care-free and not 'in tuned with reality' when i was
making fun of religion.
lest it should seem that i am one who shouldn't be surprised
to see that people have ill things to say of me, let me just
say that the present instance is merely only the third time
i've ever goten wind of someone "talking shit."
you see i have this friend, he has a tendency to just blab.
you tell this guy something and the whole school will know
withine minutes. sometimes when his jaw is flapping he lets
out some choice words which actually elucidate your own
version of the world. through him i came to the shocking
discovery that this guy, "david" thought that i was a "major
now ordinarly this would be hilarious, if it were not
targeted at everyone's favorite austrian. so i inquired of
my friend, "why, why does david think that i am a douche?"
"apparently you talked some shit during freshman orientation
or something like that."
freshman orientation? that was close to two years ago now!
and sadly enough i remember EXACTLY what ole david was
you see it was during that time when everyone nervously
twitters around, looking to make as many friends while at
the same time trying to drum down their own nervousness of
beginning law school, that i first met david.
we sat together at a table eating our pasta salad and fried
chicken. joining us were two girls an another guy. after a
bit of banal conversation, david piped up with definitely
one of the weirdest sentences i have ever heard come out of
a man's mouth.
"i was featured on a beard fetish website."
yes you heard that right. apparently ole david had posed
for a website, upon which homosexuals (he made it clear that
this was a website frequented by those homosexuals who refer
to themselves as "bears") go to jerk off to the site of
another man with a bristling beard.
upon this elaboration i took my plate of fried chicken, and
"this is the point where i go find chris hansen...i mean go
see if there's any more pasta salad."
i got a laugh from the rest of the table, and amber (with
whom, coincidentally i am still great friends with) left
with me intimating that she had never been more weirded out
by one person. through all this i distinctly remember david
glaring at me with absolute hatred through his thick rimmed
glasses. i didn't think much of it then...so why now?
well because coincidence loves to fuck me sideways. that
VERY same afternoon i was in the gym when jessica came up to
me. jessica is a friend of mine in law school who had just
recently gone thorugh a pretty bad divorce and was really
happy to have found a new boyfriend. i'd been meaning to
meet him for this entire semester but the torture of law
school always got in the way.
and of course who should he be?
david of course!
at first i was perplexed and almost said, "but i thought you
were a homosexual?" as i awkwardly waved a limp hand in his
man he was not too excited to see me. i started to feel
like Seinfeld in the episode where Kramer tells him that
this guy thinks he's a phony. it's just hard to keep your
mouth shut; the whole time jessica was gushing on and on i
just wanted to say something like, "dude that was two
fucking years ago, get over it!" or "a fucking beard fetish
what ended up happening was that we stood together awkwardly
while jessica, oblivious to any previous problems between
us, chattered on and on. so i wonder if, after they left he
let her know what i had said.
in the words of barack obama, "i could have worded it better."
which of course provides me the segway to obama and clinton.
if anyone really wants to debate that the moral majority
isn't right leaning then they have to get hit upside the
fucking head with a 2x4.
you want to argue that the majority of our society doesn't
CLING onto conservative ideals such as god, guns, and (not)
gays? look at obama and clinton bending over backwards to
act "normal" and shed the "elitist" label.
can you even imagine george bush or any conservative
presidential hopeful sipping a latte at a posh coffee shop
discussing how the death penalty isn't right?
give me a motherfucking break.
the right thinks they're right and it is just shown by these
candidates cow-towing like a bunch of little bitches.
clinton's one state away from ripping off her suit and
flashing her titties for the camera.
obama's about to fucking wrestle a god damned hog in the mud
to shed the elitist label. and all the while? mccain is
just ch-ch-ch-chillin. and for some reason he doesn't seem
elitist at all. of course people always talk about the
irony of one candidate getting the label of elitism. but
seriously, if i'm looking at two ivy league graduates who
have lived in politics all their lives versus a guy who was
so dumb he finished at the bottom of his class, then went to
the army, and eventually has conservative values...who looks
more like a picture of the average american i see?