Emilee

Phantomgirl
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2008-04-17 22:48:38 (UTC)

Struggling

If you read someone else's diary you get what you deserve.

So.. I hurt right now.
I was in dance class when I saw Kory kiss Rachel. I don't
know why this hurts so much. Probably because Kory and I
used to be so close - and now it feels like he disowned me
because he knows he hurt me. Rachel as well - she has tried
to befriend me and we just have never have had time to do
anything together. Why does it hurt so bad? I don't know. I
feel like I am slipping again - back to where the colors
loose their intensity and viberance, where the world just
feels dim.

I realize I live a double standard. Ryan knows that I am
going through a rough time. It makes it even harder that I
feel like he isn't there behind me, helping me get through
this. He went on a mission - he learned to be independent.
I never fully learned that lesson. I need his help to get
through this all. I feel like every time I want him - I have
to call him. This gets annoying because it creates an
imbalance. I tried to tell him that he needs to call me more
often - he hears the hurt in my voice but he has yet to do
anything to change it. Kinda like when we go to far - he
knows how much it hurts me, but when he is in the mood
nothing seems to stop him. He is just as stubborn as I am,
and unless we learn to work together soon this is going to
be very difficult for both of us. The other day he called me
and told me he did something and then told me "I don't need
your permission to do it." I questioned him on his remark
and he responded, "you told me you like it when people stand
up for themselves." True, I let it slide. Today he called me
up and told me he was on his way to a military recruiter. I
once again know that he has our best intentions in mind, but
I wish he would start talking to ME about OUR decisions. The
ones that affect me. This is all very difficult and very
painful - sad part is I know it is only going to get worse
after marriage. I know that the only way to get through the
difficulties is to be optimistic and embrace them. This
would be difficult no matter how old I was.
It's been very difficult to pack up and accept that I am not
coming back - it's a similar feeling to the packing I did a
year ago - the feeling of "Is this really happening?" and
then one day you open up your suit cases in a new location -
and discover - yeah it happened. I won't believe it until I
am there. Just like now - setting a date, I was having a
good time with all of this until it came down to setting a
date. The load of all of this hit me like a load of bricks.
Wait? I think to myself.... Marriage? Me? I am excited
though. I will be living in a new place. I saw a cool quote
today it went something like this, "The world is like a
chapter book - the only way to read the entire novel is to
travel." I had to agree with this. I am excited to go and
experience another culture for a time in my life -
especially one I have had such an interest in. It will be
like college all over again - moving to one location not
knowing a single soul except for the one I love - except
hopefully the one I love won't leave me after a week. lol.
Funny how some of my friends envy moving to England. My
sisters were saying "Marriage at a young age is difficult as
you see your friends doing things like study abroad, things
you will never get to do." Lucky me, I get to live abroad.
I have to question some things about Ryan - I think it is
funny that he DOES NOT want to live in his native country,
but then he goes and moves us right next door to his
parents. There are so many things he wont answer - Why won't
you play guitar? Why don't you want to live in England? ect.
ect. ect. I simply sit here and am patient with him - I know
someday I will learn. I


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