Middle Child

Listen. Don't Speak.
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2008-04-17 16:56:30 (UTC)

So it's done.

Him and I made it official? April 14th?

Would that really be considered official considering we've
been calling each other a couple and telling each other how
strong our feelings are towards one another?


It was cute how it happened :)

I was/am still a little bit unsure?
Because he still needs to experience things and i don't want
it to get to the point where i'm looking back and thinking
"fuck, what was i thinking dating a guy younger then me?"
It might not even happen, but I'm scared. Also, I feel like
he could be more mature then me when it comes to opening up.
We were talking yesterday and i was so "well... u know
'stuff' " and he said to me, "I'm your boyfriend, not a
stranger. what's the big deal, why are you holding back just
tell me what you're trying to say." He was right. But it
was so hard!

Maybe i'm not ready to be in a relationship; i still need to
grow up.

I'm scared that once we date he's going to see the real
reason why ex broke up with me? Maybe he'll see how jealous
I could be? I have to be honest with myself, I do get
jealous and I hate it. I know he's crazy about me, but
there's always that 'what if..' I don't to be blind! If i
see something fishy, I'm going to start thinking because I
don't want to get hurt.

Am I insecure? I think I could be.

Another thing, he's a really good looking guy and I feel
like he should be with someone better looking :( This hurts
to finally get off my chest, but that's how i'm feeling.

I don't know why I feel like this, but I never really felt
beautiful, especially after he said that portuguese girls
have nice skin. I don't have nice skin. That kind of killed
it for me. I shouldn't feel this way! He tells me all the
time that I'm so beautiful, why is it hard to accept? I have

But anyways, this should be an interesting summer.

Oh! I've decided to take summer courses. I'm taking some
elective courses. If I like it, i'll probably take more
music courses during the year. I really need to take some
courses that makes my transcript look good :( I also need a
confidence boost towards school.

wow, I have some seriuos self esteem, confidence problems.

I want to see a consular about my somewhat anxiety. I get
nervous out of the blue. Like now as i'm writing this, i
feel scared. why? lol. I'm fucked.