blkdragon

grounded
2008-04-07 21:13:14 (UTC)

Lovers and adversaries

4/5--1:20PM--I had difficulty getting to sleep last night,
before and after Charlotte called, I woke to find Pharaoh
sunning; relieved myself and returned to bed. The problem
Charlotte and I faced bothered me more than I could have
admitted to myself, my discomfort manifest itself on my
skin, rash-like areas of irritation; it seemed my
displeasure wasn't contained by my mind. I decided to take
my vitamins immediately, doubling up on the ones for
stress, I'd been procrastinating about getting on the
floor to exercise; I've concluded that I need to stay away
from my office first thing in the morning.
Getting out of bed to sit is a bad idea, going into my
office often means my not noticing the passing of time,
I've also got to consciously maintain the proper posture
when at my desk and I've got to increase the lighting to
compete with my monitor. I forced myself onto the floor,
did two different sets of push-ups, I'll be back on the
floor to work on my abs in a minute; I'll then get up to
do stress related exercises. I'm running meditative sounds
on the media player, ran a bath, I'll head to the library
to see if I can access my diary; return home and prepare
to hit the rink tonight.
I hadn't planned to skate, need to release the demon
wrestling for control, wear it out with motion and
meditate upon returning home. I'm managing my insecurity,
somewhat, Charlotte has been showing me where we are; I
still need to hear it from her, all things in due time. I
make a point to tell her where she is with me, she still
feels a need to be careful, I can't blame her; we still
have a way to go before her trust is cemented. I know that
she doesn't see other men in me, I also know that she is
looking for that, for something she's familiar with; it's
my uniqueness that scares her. Charlotte keeps waiting for
the shadow (in me) lurking beyond the light, the
uncontrollable thing that wreaks havoc, that hurts
indiscriminately; I won't allow that near her. I won't say
such a thing doesn't exist within me, I know that it does,
it can only rise when one loses control over themselves;
that only happens to me in the heat of battle, she and I
will not be pitted against one another in battle.
I knocked out the ab-work, the stress related stretches
and realized that I'm much more stressed than I could have
imagined, I'll do more sets of the stress related
stretches until I'm pliable.
4/6--8:48AM--I woke this morning and considered the talk I
had with Charlotte last night, I've decided it's time to
walk away from her, we discussed the issues from Tuesday
night; why it seemed ok for her to attempt to get close to
me and why it wasn't ok for me to attempt to get close to
her. Charlotte considered the fact herself, refused to
recognize that she needed to control the tempo and
direction of our relationship, this suggests that we would
go no further than she chose.
What I concluded upon awakening, Charlotte's not being
honest with herself and can't be honest with me. I told
her that I wasn't going to ask about Billy, I told her
that she'd tell me what she wanted me to know, whether it
be the unfettered truth or by omission; she chose omission.
Her insecurities were coloring everything between us, I
was trying to be careful and not add to her insecurity,
attempting to prove that she didn't have to worry about
trusting me; her trust issues are too ingrained, she
believes people are weak because she's weak. She couldn't
tell me why she got so angry when I suggested being a CNA,
my attempt to get closer would allow me a view of the real
Charlotte, not the Charlotte she wanted me to see; she
didn't believe a clarified view of her would support my
love; she was wrong!
The women in my life bothered her, so she said, regardless
of the fact that I've never been intimate with any of
them, trust; she brought up the feelings I have for Bea. I
told her (again) that I would probably be friends with Bea
for the rest of my life, that shouldn't have been a cause
for concern, I was on the verge of understanding more; I
told her that my relationship with Bea hasn't been altered
by shared intimacy. I also told Charlotte that if she were
the only woman dressed in a room full of naked women,
she'd be the only woman I'd want to see, I told her if any
of the women just mentioned took their clothes off in
front of me; knowing how I felt about her, they would only
succeed in pissing me off.
Their attempts would show that they have no respect for my
feelings or me, they would consider me so weak that I have
no control over my passions, Charlotte wasn't believing
any of that; the men in her life have been that weak, as
has she.
She mentioned thinking about why the double standard
exists between us, I've concluded that I would only remain
a distraction for her, she was pleased and loving in my
presence; her time with me would only prove to be a tryst;
she didn't want me to know this. Charlotte knows I rest on
the strength of my convictions, my morals and principles
dictate my actions, she knew that if I found out that all
we would share was our bodies it wouldn't be enough for me
and I'd step away from her; as I'm doing right now.
Charlotte always knew this and truly realized it last
night, that's why she was reluctant to end our
conversation, that's why she wasn't forthcoming with what
happened between her and Billy; she told me that they
discussed remaining friends. Charlotte remaining friends
with Billy means both of them deceiving the woman he lives
with, this shows a lack of self-respect to me, not only
that; it shows that she'd be willing to deceive me if she
could justify it, as she already has.
What is most important here, I'm not angry, I'm
enlightened; The God/dess has revealed a truth to me.
Charlotte is not part of the path I'm on, I'll be quick to
inform her, this also means our communications must end;
whatever befalls her needn't be my concern. I'm not saying
that I don't love or care for her, I'm saying that we get
what we pay for and we have to live with it. Her telling
me that a piece of music brings me to mind suggest to her
that I won't require her to live with the decisions she
makes, the song is Fall by Clay Walker; it suggests that
regardless of the decisions a woman made in her life
choices he wouldn't abandon her. I don't feel I'm
abandoning Charlotte to her fate, she's chosen to continue
to put herself in harm's way, she's refusing The
(God/dess) Truth; turning her back on The God/dess by
disrespecting herself. I have to leave her to the hell
she's devising, I don't need to share it with her, my
direction lies elsewhere.
The God/dess will not embrace those that refuse to love
themselves, when we tell ourselves that we are less than
the glorious creation He/She made us to be, that we are
not worthy of the utmost respect; we won't receive it! I
don't need anyone else to validate my life, I merely want
someone to share this life with me, my worth is not
dictated by another; it's immutable by design of the
Divine! I feel a sense of relief, a peace that tells me
all will be well in the end, the path I'm on will never be
easy; I've accepted that fact.
It was easy for me to tell Charlotte that I trust her, she
couldn't say the same to me, she wasn't trusting me
because she couldn't be trusted; she knew the direction
she wanted to go didn't involve me, that's why she was
troubled whenever I tried to get close to her. Charlotte
doesn't have to worry about my attempts to get closer, it
won't happen, I'll be more honest with her than she could
ever be with me; I'll tell her that I know we're not going
anywhere with one another. She told me that she didn't
know what she was doing, she knows exactly what she's
doing, she just didn't want me to know; I know exactly
what I'm doing and I'll make a point to tell her. I'm not
worried about her response, she'll want to know if we can
remain friends, the question remains; were we ever really
friends? I don't lie to my friends, I'm careful in my
interactions with them, I'm respectful of their feelings;
all she had to do was be honest and tell me our
relationship was merely physical. Charlotte didn't want to
risk not getting what she wanted, having a body close to
her validated her self-worth, being alone suggests to her
that she isn't what she believes herself to be; it should
suggest that she's unwilling to compromise her principles
and desires for a more perfect union with another.
Charlotte will want to call me to guage my love for her,
she'll wait to see if I call first, more of that control
bullshit; when I want to talk to Charlotte I call her.
Charlotte knows me rather well, it was in her best
interests to learn to read the characters of others, it
was the only way she could ever gain a modicum of control
over her abuser, she knows that I won't be calling her;
she'll feel rejected, eventually she'll call telling
herself that she just wants to see how I'm doing.
Charlotte's call won't just be to see how I'm doing, it
will be to see if the possibility exists that she can get
what she tells herself she needs from me, can't say that I
wish her luck.
The problem remains, Charlotte doesn't love herself
(still), she's aware of this and that's why my saying it
causes her anger; she doesn't have to worry about my
saying it again because whenever she thinks of me she'll
be reminded. I won't ever stop loving Charlotte, I told
her this, that isn't the same as being her tool; I can't
show Charlotte why she's worthy of love, I can't teach her
how to love herself. I can only show Charlotte that I love
myself enough not to be used by her, that sex with her,
without love isn't enough for me. Sex without love is too
easy, Love without sex is improbable. Charlotte was of the
impression that I'd asked her to marry me, that never
happened, I told her that I could see spending my life
with her; she could only see spending her life with Billy,
she's welcome to do just that. Charlotte doesn't even
realize that they don't love each other, are co-dependent
relationships the norm for everyone on the planet?
I wondered how Charlotte knew I was angry Tuesday night,
she told me that I usually talk a lot and I suddenly got
very quiet, she told me that she didn't understand her
intense anger and wondered; "What does this woman mean to
him that he's willing to take her suggestions so readily!"
She wanted to be the only woman in my life, yet I wasn't
her focal point, that wasn't supposed to bother me because
she thought I wasn't aware of the fact that she had
intentions of making sure Billy remained available.
Charlotte wants to be a player and hates to be played.
It wasn't (merely) Billy's idea to keep the mail
connection, that was the only way Charlotte could ensure
maintaining contact, it's really sad and pitiful; such is
life! I thought Charlotte had come to terms with the abuse
she suffered in the past, being someone's tool, someone's
possession; the abused often become the abusers they
suffered under.
Billy's being neglected during his childhood keeps him
seeking the attentions of a Mother that was never there,
this is why he's always being kept by the women in his
life, why he's always dependent upon them; why he's never
matured. Charlotte's being used as a child keeps her
constantly choosing to be with men that use her without
consideration, she was (ultimately) able to manipulate her
abuser to get what her Sister's didn't, she became the
favored one; now she manipulates every man in her life;
even me for a time. Charlotte and her Sisters are
constantly vying for the affections of their Mother now,
they have problems with each other and keep their true
feelings hidden, those feelings only surface in moments of
extreme stress and anger; this is why I remove myself when
I'm upset, I need to think about what's going on so I can
honestly discuss it.
I told Charlotte how I began seeing something of her in
most of the women that grabbed my attention, she wondered
about that, she thought it had to do with my wanting other
women; I told her that what I saw that reminded me of her
only made me want her more and I don't think she believed.
I have trust issues, to get over them I have to risk
trusting everyone, constantly; when my issues are
realized, I don't assume everyone to be guilty because of
that person.
Charlotte told me that she was getting irritated by all
the attention she's been getting lately, yet she dresses
to get the attention that's been bothering her, if you run
into a wall and realized it hurt; wouldn't you figure out
how not to run into that wall? Yes, I gave Charlotte
another opportunity to get it right, unlike Kathy; she's
not getting 21 years.
I told Charlotte that after informing Lisa and Patty about
her, their attitudes seemed to have changed, now they were
maintaining a closer physical presence and smiling at me
more; I'd also noticed how they seemed to have been
huddling with one another. It was ok for Charlotte to tell
me of all the men that were attracted to her, she
obviously didn't like hearing of the women in my life,
still wanting to be the center of my attentions and not
realizing that she was.
I thought Patty was getting closer to Lisa to minimize her
opposition for the attentions of others, keep your friends
close and your enemies closer. I noted the sincerity in
Lisa's voice when she told me that she was happy to see
me, she'd never said that to me before, she also made a
point to come directly to me to say that and ask how I was
doing; normally we'd just wave to one another. I've noted
the coquettish smile Lisa flashes whenever she's near me,
knowing that I'm concentrating on what I'm doing and
making sure I notice her, I've also noticed how much
Finnius dislikes when his Mother receives the attentions
of any man at the rink; especially Mike, this is why I've
distanced myself.
I often see Patty sitting with Lisa, watching me, there's
no doubt I'm the topic of discussion, last night I saw
that Lisa and Finnius were discussing me; Finnius often
makes a point to show me what he's capable of. I've
distanced myself from Finnius as well, I like the boy, I'm
not there to instruct him; I usually have other things on
my mind.
Symbolism is important in our lives, I imagine I'd kept
the things that Charlotte left in my house because I'd
hoped she'd return, hair/tooth brush-
hairspray/shampoo/soap; even though I said otherwise. I
didn't know that I'd made a decision while talking to her
this morning, the truth of that wouldn't hit me until I
woke up, I lay in bed; attentive to my emotions. I wasn't
saddened, there seemed to be a sense of relief in finally
noting the truth, the truth wouldn't hit home until I
began throwing what I had here for Charlotte in the
garbage, I don't need feminine sundries and I wouldn't
have any other woman that I allow into that area of my
life to see evidence of her predecessor. Yeah, those
things could always be replaced by Charlotte if she were
to return here, that would only happen if I went for her;
I'm planning to concentrate (solely) on myself and my
place in the emergence of this new era we're about to
enter.
Symbolism, I just remembered I'd given Charlotte keys to
my apartment, a sign of my trust and desire to have only
her in that part of my life; there's no need to ask her to
return them, I can always have them remade. I'm not
worried about Charlotte showing up on my doorstep, she
knows better. Charlotte was specific in telling me that
she loved and cared for me, that's not the same as telling
someone that you love them, the caring is a matter of
course. When you truly love someone, you refuse to do
anything that would cause them harm in any way, Charlotte
was more than aware that she wasn't being honest with me;
first it was shame on you, now it's shame on me.
Charlotte used the term, "we're not on the same page,"
more than once; what I'd come to realize is that we
weren't even reading from the same book. I'd just had
this talk with Pretty last night, about being true to
oneself and standing by one's convictions, if one is
willing to settle for less; there's no such thing as
getting more. Pretty's sponsor was of the opinion, like
Charlotte, that 90% of all men are dogs; that was enough
for them not to target the 10% that aren't. Pretty's
sponsor wanted her to accept that fact and lower her
standards, I'm proud she refused, if 90% of all women are
fucked up; I'll only target the 10% and if that means
waiting, I'll wait.
One of the reasons Charlotte always has to be in motion,
she can't stand to be with herself and her thoughts, the
question remains; "If you don't love yourself, who can
love you?" Beauty is a spiritual thing, never relegated to
the physical state, everything decays and loses it's
lustre. The soul, being eternal, will either be a thing of
glory or a pimple on the face of reality; who decides? I
plan to be at the library for the day, working or trying
to work, being amongst the throng to glimpse the essence
of mankind; perhaps the 10% will be walking among them?
I'd received a response from ~t, her concern was
immediately evident, one of the things I love most is her
frank honesty; I think she'll be surprised to realize I'd
already done what she'd go on to suggest. It's not my
nature to be adversarial, that never lends itself to the
health and well being of any relationship, I tend to
retire to my thoughts and feelings; attempt to understand
them so I can return to the issues from a calm
perspective. I did this with Charlotte and she continued
her refusal to be honest with me, I know when someone is
dancing on the edge of truth, I've always felt that with
Charlotte. Once I realize the truth, I act upon it and
tailor my responses accordingly; I don't have to tell
Charlotte anything that she doesn't already know.
Charlotte now realizes that the truth is in the light,
she's trying to figure out what she'll do next, she also
knows me well enough to determine my response; she'll make
an attempt to keep me where she wants me. As much as
Charlotte knows about me, she still has a lot to learn,
the issue is never about one or the other; if it isn't
about both parties, it can't be about either and that's
where we are now! I told Charlotte that I don't normally
allow second chances, that I'd forgiven her another
opportunity, she refused to make the most of my gift; time
to step away!
Charlotte will not be pleased to know that I got a
pleasant night's sleep and woke feeling good, I found
myself smiling during my soak, I thought about the act
making love and how different it is from having sex.
Making love is the selfless act of pleasing another, it is
born of the love you feel, sex is about pleasing oneself,
it is born of a desire to receive pleasure! I didn't stay
in the tub long, got out and oiled my body, I have one
cigarette left and decided I wasn't planning to buy
another pack, we'll see how long I can stand firm on that
one; it is my only addiction and I think it's time to rid
myself of it.
Charlotte will never know how influential she's been to
me, it's a beautiful day, 50 degrees and I'm out!




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