passnpalcechica1

Maggie Mae
2008-04-02 20:25:55 (UTC)

I'm a little confused...

I'm kind of confused right now. :-/ This morning was
great, I felt great, I was upbeat, happy, I spent nearly 2
hours in quiet time, it was great and I was learning some
profoundly impacting things....and now I feel sort of
deflated. I think I know why, but even that confuses me.

I think I'm feeling deflated because I was hoping to have
friendly banter with Matt again, and it hasn't happened
yet, and even more to the point, when I saw him at 11 I
could tell he wanted to talk to me, but he never did and
left saying he wasn't comming to the CRU event
tonight...which is his perogative I know, but having had
my hopes dashed in talking with him, it felt sort of like
a rejection. I know it wasn't...and this is why this all
really confuses me. I understand why my mood changed so
suddenly, but I don't understand why it impacted me so
intensely, especially considering I'm thinking about this
completely logically. I suppose that could be the
problem...I think it very likely now, that he has touched
my heart much more than either of us are aware. Certainly
more than he is aware I am sure...I would hate to think he
would continue to toy with my emotions if he knew the
impact he had on me. I thought I was being cautiously
optimistic, I thought I was reserved enough to just walk
away...but it takes some very specific acts of tenderness
to get to me, and it is those moments my heart returns to,
time and again.

Perhaps, this is a thought that just came to me...perhaps
I should have started the conversation this afternoon. I
don't see how there is any reason for me to NOT talk to
him...he may have been waiting for ME to say something to
HIM, and took my silence as either proof of my
indiference, or was just as confused by MY silence as I
had been by his...hmm...interesting thought. Perhaps I
should be more willing to talk if I feel that awkward
situation comming along again. Recently, I have had the
perogative that I am going to wait for the GUY to
initiate, because I don't want to imasculinate any of them
and I've had bad experiences in the past...I know I tend
to want to take control of situations...and I shouldn't do
that. However, usually I only apply that to things like
asking to hang out, or initiating dating, etc. The major
things...I don't really know WHY I didn't start talking to
him first. I was just so emotionally confused I guess,
that I didn't know what to think or say....and I was
eating my lunch...he left before I even finished.

Well, I am in the chez, and there are people here, and
computers are messing up, and I don't want to occupy this
one with my long spurious rants....and I don't want people
to read over my shoulder...so I'm going to end this.

Take care and God bless.
~Mae




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