Jencaero

Happy Noodle Boy Rox!
2008-04-01 01:21:27 (UTC)

A strange world without you...

I mean. Sometimes I wonder. Deeply.
"Who the hell did I think I was"
Goo goo dolls, perhaps a line that lays within all of us.
The world is so confusing to me. I feel as though it's all
fallen down. Everything that I wanted to be, everything I
had faith in (and oh, it is so hard for me to place my faith
into things), all of this has collapsed. I am lucky to have
loved, I just don't understand how it all could end so
coldly. There was once a time, a distant time, when I felt
as though love would be enough. I had faith in its
delivering power, if I pour my soul, my being, my feelings
into one person, and that person loved me back, we could
take on the world together. Perhaps it's my failure to step
back from things. Perhaps it is as I fear, that love simply
isn't enough. Oh but to take a step back from the ideal,
from what I wish it could be and embrace such a cold idea
tears me at my core. When I was younger (and I remember
this, vividly), I used to contemplate the nature of such
ideals as love, justice, I used to contemplate the nature of
my existence. I still contemplate the nature of my
existence, oh but love I fail to probe. Perhaps because it's
more of an experience to behold, and upon entering such a
depth of existence with another, I no longer need to
contemplate it, rather, am content to revel within its warm
embrace, within the warm embrace of another.
To end a relationship that you wanted to endure a great
while seems to me one of the painful things I've ever had to
go through. What's worse, he won't talk to me. Oh, but don't
you love me? But don't you care? How could you sequester
your emotions like that, how could you fail to tell me my
shortcomings if they were not blinded by your love for me?
Oh your shortcomings hurt but indeed I found them endearing
most times as they were simply part of who you were.
But your criticism of my very nature seems to shatter my
core. Don't you know you were a huge affirmation of my
character? Do you not recollect telling me that I was
"glowing" on many occasions, did you not realize that I was
simply rapt with joy at having you, at existing with you and
carrying little pieces along with me, reflecting upon who
you were, your ideas, your existence, all of which added to
my character?
Where are you. Where did that go? I fell. Horribly. Deeply.
Oh you were a guitar dude. I was always a sucker for guitar
dudes. It's because you felt, you felt as I felt, deeply,
some days a sadness in your eyes but we could hold each
other. Some days you had a deep sadness about you, and I
could do nothing to assuage this. Indeed my sadness seemed
an insatiable monster which annoyed you in the end... All I
wanted was your recognition, your touch, some softness in
your voice, in your eyes...
You showed me the stars and we shared our true selves with
each other, and I felt comfortable. You played songs for me
and I loved every nuance to your voice, in your voice I
could sense your fragility. It had a softness to it. And
that is who you will always be to me. Behind all your harsh
words, behind everything that seemed so aggressive, there
was a softness and fragility in you that I know in myself.
Perhaps because of our fragility we simply collapsed. You
always talked of never changing yourself, but sweetheart, I
would have changed for you. I would have tried harder.
Because whatever it was I felt in you, it touched a lonely,
lonely piece of myself, made me feel welcome in a strange
world.
And now the world is stranger still, in your absence.
How, now, can I face the world without your comfort? What
shall I make of everything that happened, what shall I make
of your decision not to talk, not to be friends, don't you
know that I simply do not connect...
And you were not a monster. But you broke my heart. And all
the tears that fell because of that, in your presence, when
you simply tried to get me to stop, were they wasted?
Because you shut yourself off from me, refused to feel and
god damn it, I have no way of shutting off this leaky faucet
of my emotion that has recently grown into some horrible
deluge...
I need to read again. Oh, where do my thoughts go? And good
things happen, the sunlight shines a certain way, a stranger
smiles, and all I am compelled to do is to share my
happiness with you. Oh, love. Am I such a fool?
Twenty one. How quickly time has flown. I find it
terrifying. There is so much left to learn before death and
what I want most is a deepest love, with a deep person oh
and one who takes me for who I am, one who again touches
those parts of myself that most simply write off as
"weirdness"...
And I worry. About everything.
You saw god in creation. I wish I could know god, for sure,
in creation. Oh, there is something I'm sure, but why must
it be god the way we all depict it?
What is most terrifying is that I thought I knew who I was.
And everything simply falls to pieces without you. Certainly
I think about the same things but oh I feel like a nut when
I speak to people of things I find important, most important
in life and they look at me as though I'm speaking a
different language... Yet the things of which I speak are
closest to my heart...
Sometimes I wonder if abuse or personal tragedy deepens a
person more than otherwise, or causes them to question the
world in new ways... I believe that questions are of
ultimate necessity to really engage with the world and
become happy... Wouldn't it be ironic if the prime cause of
such questions is some sort of personal assault or tragedy?
And I just want some answers. And even if not answers, I
want someone to connect with, someone to love. I need that
companionship...
My music is playing and my tears are flowing and I just
don't understand anything on this earth. Love, let it die?
I keep waiting for you to call, hoping you'll call and say
"we love each other, let's give it a shot"
But I know that you won't. And all those memories, where do
they go now? It all hurts so much, without you. That
happiness. Remember when we drove on the beach and the sky
was beautiful and there were immediate dolphins? Remember
playing in the ocean, as the waves crashed down around us,
remember waking up early in the A.M. and watching the
sunrise, my bare feet stinging from cold and from seashells,
but everything feeling better than ever, such a vast array
of colors come from the skeletons of such creatures... And
the day your car died because we blasted the music too long,
the beach music. Oh the stars. Talk of ghosts, spirits, of
what it is to be human. I cast my line and caught a fish the
first time... Fearing there were wolves. Your stories. Safe,
feeling safe and finding the good in everything as I stood
near you, and it was all a sign to me, it was a sign that
you were right for me, that we were right for each other and
I found that deeply comforting.
This Goo Goo dolls song is exactly how I feel
Stranger than your sympathy
And this is my apology
I killed myself from the inside out
And all my fears have pushed you out

And I wished for things that I dont need
(all I wanted)
And what I chased wont set me free
(all I wanted)
And I get scared but Im not crawlin on my knees

Oh, yeah
Everythings all wrong, yeah
Everythings all wrong, yeah
Where the hell did I think I was?

And stranger than your sympathy
Take these things, so I dont feel
Im killing myself from the inside out
And now my heads been filled with doubt

Were taught to lead the life you choose
(all I wanted)
You know your loves run out on you
(all I wanted)
And you cant see when all your dreams arent coming true

Oh, yeah
Its easy to forget, yeah
When you choke on the regrets, yeah
Who the hell did I think I was?

And stranger than your sympathy
And all these thoughts you stole from me
And Im not sure where I belong
And no wheres home and no more wrong

And I was in love with things I tried to make you believe I was
And I wouldnt be the one to kneel before the dreams I wanted
And all the dark and all the lies were all the empty things
disguised as me

Mmm, yeah
Stranger than your sympathy
Stranger than your sympathy
Mmm hmmm mmm


I should go now, let the tears flow and try to make sense of
my world as it is now, what a strange world without you...