lee_the_messed_up_punk

my #ucked up life
2008-03-28 10:09:03 (UTC)

bed bugs and no sleep

4:52AM Friday

I havent writen an entry in so long because I've been
really sick both off and on, mentaly and psyicaly.
Yesterday was the first full day I had in weeks were I
didnt have a constant fever, hearing voices, sweating and
shaking in pain. If it wasent for my neighbor having bed
bugs I might have not forced myself to work so hard,
cleaning every little crack and crevise of my apartment
suite before they spray at nine in the morning. My place
needed a massive cleaning anyways and I dont think I could
have worked harder, starting early in the morning
yesterday, there's still the stove and fridge to be moved
and cleaned under.

Since I've been moving stuff and vacuming all day, I
cant continue because it's too late and my neighbors need a
break from hearing me clean. It's one of the things that
sucks about living in an apartment, being the night owel
that I am, I always feel as if I'm being to loud. I've
gotten so much excersise that I'm going to be sore later on
today but if I didnt eventualy move my body, either then
laying in bed or on my mothers couch, I would have gotten
extreemly sick past where I already was.

I feel better and stopped having auditory
halusinations but since I havent had my proper medication
in two weeks because my docter is on holidays until the
third next month, she's the only one who can phone the
pharmacy and aprove them since I'm a week early. It's
complete bullshit and by the time she gets back to work I'm
going to be a wreck. The only other way I can get them now
is if I goto emergency and I've been too fucked up to walk
all the way there since I don't have the money to take a
cab or even a buss.
I understand the argument that I'm early but it's been
a ruff month since my grandma's funeral. I've been having
more then one panic attack daily and it only reminds me of
what led me to attempting suicide. I wont now that I
understand the disorder more, that the periods of
dillusions will go away eventualy and that I just have to
wait through what's almost torture. Fearing skitsofrenia,
I'm starting to accept that I might be and that there's a
reason why I'm not working at this stage in my life.

I went a few days without any medication because when
I ran out the pharmacy where I get my Seraquel and mood
stabalizer was closed for the holidays and I think the
auditory halusinations was a reation. When it gets that
bad, I get paranoid and dont even want to leave my
apartment, never mind waiting in the emergency room for
hours. I thought I would fall asleep eventualy without
them and that it wasnt bad enough. Since the Seraqual is
what's been helping me sleep for so long I couldnt stop my
mind from racing thoughts that only got worse by the hour.
I decided to wait until it re-opened and that I would get
them delivered but ended up missing the deliverey man and
waiting another day, getting even sicker. It got so bad
that I couldnt sleep until I got them delivered which was a
few days and by the time I took them my body began to break
down and fall into an uncontrolable sleep which felt like
death. I couldnt move my body as if a weight was on me and
when the church I live next to began to ring its daily
bells they started to skip like a record. I'm not sure if
it was actualy skiping or that I was just hearing things,
either way it was fucked up.

My mother has been sicker then me, completly
halusinating both psyicaly and mentaly that I cant even go
there for comfort. It's so strange how similar me and her
are, the only main diferance is that she hides her
halusinations and even when I try to tell her what I'm
going through she refuses to accept that she's seeing and
hearing things and blames my condition on medication and
that if I had a good job I liked everything would be fine.
She forgets how bad I was when I worked without any meds,
it was a nightmare that lasted years that I couldnt wake up
from. Her being as sick as she has been the last week
probably has a lot to do with the stress that I'm going
through watching her go through diferent moods at times
more then one an hour. Once she'll be fine and tell me she
loves me, then she'll start to shake and yell at what she
calls invisable people.

I should try to get a couple hours sleep or at least
rest my body before I have to leave here, for some reason
she hasent phoned me like she normally does to do her meds
before the morning, hopfully she's asleep since she didnt
sleep last night and why I'm not phoneing there until the
morning.

lee




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