Mark Gittner

Gay Guy juggles his life struggles.
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2008-03-15 02:44:54 (UTC)

Gimme it... amnesia

Today i am tired of crying... I am running out of energy
for everything today. I am tired of hurting... both inside
and out. I'm bleeding again from my colon, which means the
stress is at my breaking point. I was out with hte flu and
so this paycheck is half anyway, and i don't have the
money to drive to spartanburg for school back and forth
and I am so tired of being broke. I spent 35.00 today on a
prescription, because I had my first doctors appointment
today, only to have bloodwork run and an appointment get
set for next month, and to be told that he was not a
psychiatrist and would not deal with my bi-polar disorder,
this is a low income health clinic so they will not deal
with my pain because and i quote "we are not a pain
management center", and tell me someone will call me for a
colonoscopy soon, and he would like to biopsy my moles,
because they all have funny pigmentation. He will check
out my ganglion cyst next month when my next appointment
is. And the 20 fee only covers the visit so I am still
going to rack up a radiology bill for the back x-rays he
ordered.

It has been 6 years now since I had a romantic day in my
life and I am so lonely. I am so isolated from friends
right now and my mom is hurt from a fall, and I just want
to give up and close my eyes until itis gone and all
feels like I did when I had a career in theatre, and maybe
my family was nearly dead but I had so many close friends
it almost made up for it, but now the only things left to
me is my mom and the love I get from friends and family
over a keyboard or phone... Thats not ME... I cant
survive this. I need to be hugged and held and touched
damn it. I need human contact and a social life and a
career I love to distract me from this hell I am feeling
now.

I look at myself in the mirror now and see someone who is
almost a stranger to me, where once upon a time I knew
myself so well. I knew my every motivation, my every
feeling and could trace where evry thhought I had came
from. I can no longer do that. Somewhere in the last
couple years since all the medical problems have taken my
life over, I've lost me... all my dreams have drifted
away in the mist. Feelings I thought I had dealt with in
my teens are rearing ugly heads, and things that never
bothered me now tear me apart and I don't understand why.
I have gained so much weight and my joints are hurting and
have killed any dreams I had left for the theatre, and I
have to finally admit it. That show I did in Sumter was
probably my last...

No I don't think I'm suicidal, but I have no energy left
for living. Sleeping hurts now too, and my studies are
starting to slowly suffer, I can feel it happening, and
it's too much to care very much. and I care a lot which
drains me more, and I know I don't make much sense but
every little thing I do takes so much energy, but I've got
to get it out or go over the edge

And so many I love are hurting and alone right now and I
can't do anything...

I wish I could get amnesia and wake up somewhere and start
everything over and become an asshole who cared about
nobody and nothing and who was content with nothing in my
life, yeah. that would be nice....


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