Cowgirl_Mom

Negativity

I know I haven't been on here in a long time, but who
cares, ya know? Today I just have to vent. I keep getting
more and more withdrawn, more quiet, and one of these days
I am going to explode.
Here's the deal. I am not the best housekeeper in the
world and I have time management issues. Isn't that nice
to just throw that out there. But I tell you what, between
my Mom having the GALL to compare me to my deadbeat addict
brother and my husband becoming increasingly negative
towards me, the house, and the kids, it's getting to be too
much to take right now.
I know and acknowledge that I am not good with time
management or with housekeeping. I also know and
acknowledge that I am not good with the follow through with
what I set out to do. However, when I do try to follow
through or when I do attempt to improve myself or my
surroundings, I get beat down like I am right now. Then I
ask myself, why try? Why do things to improve myself?
Nobody supports me going to the gym, because that takes
time away from them. I work on the house, cleaning floors,
cooking dinners every night, making sure the dishes are
washed daily, the laundry is kept up, and decluttering in
general, and I get nothing but complaints.
There was not a single word that came out of his mouth last
night that wasn't negative. Not one! The same with the
kids. I played animal doctor yesterday and repaired a
couple of their stuffed animals and I was asked about the
one I didn't repair, and then the younger child brought me
back one I did repair and asked me to repair something else
on it. Then got huffy because I didn't do it right then
and there.
I believe that part of the disrespect I get from our boys
is because they learn how to treat me by their Dad's
example. I am not sure at this point if I am angry or
hurt, whether I want to hit and scream or just cry.
I am trying so hard right now to improve things, but it's
like a hole you can never climb out of. I am taking weight
loss supplements and trying to exercise at home (because
the kids won't behave at the gym for 30 minutes nor do they
like being left at their activities for 30 minutes so I can
work out). I am juggling that, decluttering, cleaning,
learning to be a better parent to Tyler with his AD/HD,
completing personal projects, and housekeeping. I have so
many balls in the air, it's no wonder I can't keep them
from falling down around me.
I can't even take the time to be with my friend who's
husband has been in the ICU with staph pneumonia for 3
weeks now. All I can do is call her each day to let her
know I am here for her. If I left here to be with her, I
would never hear the end of what I hadn't done ahead of
time. Like last night, my husband told me that our son's
room has been cleaner than mine for 3 weeks now. Yeah,
that's nice to hear.
I am getting to that point of just shutting down, becoming
the Stepford Wife, those who act without reminder, but have
no feelings or thoughts of their own. I don't feel that I
am allowed nor are they valid enough to matter. Whether it
be as big as parenting or as small as a TV show, his
opinion is the only one that matters. What he says rules.
I wonder where I fit into his world. Or do I? Am I just
the one to write the checks, keep food in the house and hot
on the stove, parent the children, keep the house moving,
and give the blow jobs at night? Is there a person allowed
to be behind all of this, or just a robot?
I guess I'll use this as my forum for right now until he
gets tired of the robotic antics.